No, I won't shed a tear in Dear Bee

Bianca,
Today, although impromptu, is a Letter Day.
This morning I went to the surgeon’s offices with my beloved. And I’m terribly emotional over this. I’m going to poorly attempt at putting my feelings into words, because there’s a reason for it – I promise.
Last night I asked Dylan if he wanted me to come with him to his consultation at the Surgeon’s. I must be honest I was slightly – just slightly surprised that he wanted me to come. I don’t know why I was taken aback, because I don’t see why he wouldn’t want me there. He played it cool you know?
J: Please don’t worry about tomorrow [he was worrying]
D: Okay my angel
J: You want me to come with you? I’ll wake up early so that you’re not there alone? Or is your moo moo going?
D: No munks, I’m going alone so far, you want to come with me?
J: If you want me to come with you, I will come with you.
D: Yes please munks, and I can get you a nice breakfast before we go in angel. :*
J: I just don’t want you there alone and worried.
D: You’re the best, I love you so much.
So I woke up this morning, and went to his place so we could drive to the offices and have breakfast together. There’s something so endearing about him in his work clothes. He looked like a little striped bumble bee. He was wearing a striped jersey. And so we drove and got breakfast. And he was all quiet and pale and I know he was worried.
You know when you know something about someone because you know them well? Well this is one of those examples. So I hold his hand and I sing in the car and he smiles a little, and we go and have breakfast.
You know, there is something to this concept of “Together Breakfast”. There was something about today, that made me realise that’s what it was. It was a together breakfast, and I really wish it never ended. I loved being stuck in that moment. I had tea. And he had coffee, and we shared a wrap. Dylan ended up drinking most of my tea. Tea never fails.
Anyway, we get to the doctor’s office and he isn’t doing well. He’s nervous. His hands are clammy and he’s paler than he normally is, and he’s gone quiet. And while I understand his nervousness and anxiety, there’s that bit of me that knows that there’s nothing to be afraid of. But I don’t say that. Because it won’t help, he gets to be worried, he gets to be scared, this is a big thing, and I’m not going to take away from that. What I do get to do, is stand by him. And hold his hand, and love him.
So we go to radiology for his X-ray. And then we go upstairs to the suite.
And while in the elevator I check out the X-ray and I immediately know this is bad. It really is. They are badly impacted and he’s going to need the surgery even though he doesn’t want it.
But I sit with him in the waiting room and he’s panicking and he’s worried. He giggles and gets rather embarrassing in public when he’s worried. So I hold his hand and wait to get called in.
We get called in, and my thoughts are confirmed. It’s bad.
On a scale of 1 to 10, it’s a 7. So I mean, its ‘Bad’ but not bad bad. But it could have been a 5 you know?
Dr. Selikson lists possible side effects and I literally hear the wheel in Dylan’s panic stricken head going off.
He’s concerned about Dyl’s medical history. In the sense that he doesn’t have one. He was on antibiotics once. ONCE. And had such a bad allergic reaction that he never took them again. He’s been on homeopathic remedies his entire life. So yeah, the general anaesthesia is an iffy thing.
But he assures us that the guy he works with, is the best cardiac anaesthesiologist in the country.
I know nothing will go wrong. But at the same time I see the worry in Dyl’s eyes and I worry anyway. Because I need him to wake up. He will. Like I know he will. But what if he doesn’t. So somewhere along the drive back home I realised I don’t want to live without him.
We stopped back at his house and when we said goodbye so he could go to work, he pulled me into one of those hugs. You know? That hug. The ones I’m normally looking for, yet here was this man. This man with all the testosterone and all the facial hair needing that hug. The hug that is universal for ‘I need you near me’. And ‘I’m grateful for you’ and ‘please don’t let me go until I let you go because I freaking need this’.
So I don’t let go until he lets go, and I hold him close. And whisper I love you in his ear.
I hope you know I didn’t realise all of this until later. I only realised later once I had gone home, like as if a fucking ton of bricks hit me, that he needed me. And I was there, as best I could be. And I realised that no matter what happens this man changed me, and I don’t ever want to lose him. I love him. I’ve loved him for a long time but fuck me, this is like the real deal. And I need him too. But mostly… this was like a tangible moment of him needing me. You know? Have you ever felt like AJ doesn’t need you? Like he’d be just fine and dandy without you? Sometimes I feel like that. Yet here is this tangible example of a man being not a strong and stoic force, but rather this human who just needs the love and support of another human.
And God. Oh God knows that relationships and people you spend your life with are a choice you make each day. And I choose him every fucking day. Rain or shine. And I want him to choose me. Because I’d put up with him for the rest of my life. So if this is what it feels like to want to commit to loving a person for the rest of your life and wanting to marry them. I’m in.
He can have me heart and soul.
He can have all of me.
As long as I get all of him.
He’s so panicked and worried about this fucking surgery, and I want to hurt evolution, and curse our jaws and lack of ability to cope with wisdom teeth without medical intervention.
I wish I could fucking have the surgery in his place.
Is this what they call loving so much it hurts?
Because I’m in pain. Like a good pain. A sickeningly in love pain. Because I would do anything for the guy. And I’m so scared that one day I’ll be alone on this earth without him.
I want to just be with him. And this is probably the first moment that I’m utterly jealous of your wedding. Because you get to start that “officially” with AJ. Together breakfasts. League of Legends. Date nights. All the sex. Just being. [I realise that you already do all of these things, and technically you’re already married but it’s that you get to do it officially]
I want to talk to you about my wedding wishes for you both…
But not tonight. Tonight I just want to feel how much this man needs me to be strong for the both of us. I want to revel in it. I want to bathe in this feeling. I am strong. I am loving. I am woman.
I am madly in love and it feels so good. And also super painful at the same time. Because I swear to God if something happens during this surgery when I promised him nothing would, I will literally lose my mind.
Anyway, I’m becoming an incoherent mess.
But I think you get what I mean.
I love you too by the way.
I’ll send another letter soon.
J