This Feels More Normal, but is That a Good Thing in New Beginnings

Things between Holly and I have cooled. We’re friends now, apparently. When she said she could only offer me friendship at this time, I thought she was pulling the classic “friend zone fade,” meaning she would talk to and hang out with me for a time period, and our talking and visits would become increasingly less frequent until our friendship completely dissipated. Maybe she is, in fact, doing that, but she texts me regularly, so she seems to want to have some sort of relationship with me. We haven’t hung out in real life very much, but January has had a lot of work stress for the both of us.

We had a little bit of a spat a couple of weeks ago. When we first started dating, I asked if she’d be willing to house/cat sit when I went on a work trip. Every January, my company has a kick off meeting to start the new year, and it puts us up in a swanky hotel for a couple of days. Holly obliged, but soon after our incompatibility put an end to our dating, she informed me that she wanted to pursue a personal dream. Her passion in life is doing charity work for homeless shelters, a decidedly more noble dream than my “Work out all the time, so I can eat whatever I want” passion, but different strokes for different folks. Since we clearly weren’t going to become exclusive, she felt the timing was right for her to work towards quitting her job and taking a six month road trip in which she would travel around the country volunteering at different homeless shelters. She really wants to go to Pacific Gardens in Chicago, but I digress. For her to attain this dream, she will have to save up enough money to cover her living expenses for the duration of the trip. As my work retreat approached, I reasoned that her housesitting for me would cost her more in her commute, so I asked my neighbor to sit, instead. When I told Holly, she was distraught. I realize housesitting is fun sometimes, just living in a different environment, but she apparently had her heart set on it. I somehow apologized my way back into her good graces. I convinced her that it would be better for me if she house sat instead of my neighbor, which was true. Not that I have a lot of stuff of value to worry about getting stolen, but I kind of like the idea of my cats becoming more socialized with people.

Ultimately, she was happy, and our friendship sank into what I presume is a comfortable groove, even if it is just a little awkward for me because of my lack of experience in dating. Now, it’s not like I’ve just been laying on my bed, clutching my pillow, pining for her. I actually went out on a date with a different woman several weeks ago. Her name was Caroline, and she was perfectly nice, but she and I did not hit it off like Holly and I did on our first date. She and I had some apparent value differences, the most pronounced of which was her being a vegan. Do you have any idea how hard it would be to learn to cook for a vegan? I don’t, but I don’t like the idea of finding out. We parted our date on an amicable note with indefinite plans to see each other again. I haven’t called her, she hasn’t called me. I guess ghosting is all right. I always hated the idea of using the ghost technique, though. Back to Holly, I get the an unsettlingly familiar feeling with her. Specifically, I get a “friend zone” feeling. My intuition tells me that she likes me just slightly more than a friend. She likes me enough to want to maintain contact with me because I’m apparently a good guy, but that’s it. At least, that may be it until I start dating someone else at which point she’ll panic at the prospect of losing me, turn on the seduction and charm, then revert back to just wanting to be friends when I blow the other woman off.

That’s the historical precedent. I realize we’re in our thirties now, and we both should have long outgrown that pattern since at least a decade ago, but I worry that old habits die hard. Not that she’s my dream girl and I ache for her companionship. Even if she decided she wants to date me exclusively, I still have issues with her occasional smoking. I now worry about her flightiness. Is any sort of unpleasantness going to stir up a desire in her to change locales? More than that, I worry about her lack of long term planning. Her desire to help the homeless is certainly very honorable, but she clearly doesn’t think long term about things, like owning a house, saving for retirement, etc. Most egregiously, when we started dating, we were both up front about neither of us wanting children. I hurt her feelings when I asked if she was certain, interpreting my desire for assuredness as doubting her sincerity. After our “break up” when she was talking about her trip, she was discussing some of the items she’d need to put in storage, some of which was a box of her childhood toys because “in the future, who knows?” That’s not an exact quote, but a close enough paraphrase. Most importantly, I want someone who knows what she wants, and I now wonder about our compatibility.

I was expecting dating in my thirties to be more fish or cut bait. If we seemed very compatible, we’d keep seeing each other, and if we came across a impasse, we’d go our separate ways. Remaining friends seems kind of unfair. If nothing else, one of us (probably me) may not emotionally available when someone else comes along. I remember all the pretty girls who conveyed an interest in me in high school, but I was stupefied with my tunnel vision on the one I was convinced was right for me. I don’t want to do that again. All that being said, I don’t have many friends, and I really enjoy the emotional support I don’t get elsewhere. I’m not sure what to think of this indefinite friendship arrangement.

Last updated February 12, 2017