I guess I never really realise how badly broken I am until something causes me to fall apart.
I was watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, and it got to the part when Dumbledore is killed, and everyone is in the courtyard of the castle, Harry’s in tears, others are getting that way, and Prof. MacGonagal aims her wand to the sky, followed by everyone else, and you can see Harry totally lose it as Ginny is hugging him. Yeah, I fell apart too.
This has been an issue for years, and there was a point in time where things like that never got to me. There was a time I could watch whatever I wanted, hear whatever I wanted, and it didn’t affect me so deeply. Before Mom died, the only time anything in music or movies or tv ever got me emotional, was when I heard BL play “The Coral Sea” (Gillock) on piano on a tape she sent me.
On a tape.... that makes me feel ancient.
I don’t like this. And yes, I’ve done therapy, and I’ve seen a psychiatrist, and nobody has been able to get me past whatever it is that has me like this. Nobody has been able to figure it out. I normally consider myself to be a strong person, but when I get like that, I feel like I’m not strong. I feel like I’ve failed myself, and no idea who else.
I have to adult now. I’ve just realised that tomorrow is Monday. Damn.