super spicy food in Sometimes I feel dead inside

i find myself questioning my life mission. i mean my motivations. i’ve done some really crazy things out of spite or revenge. motivations that have caused change in the past no longer fuel me the same way. i want to improve my mind constantly. mostly to make life easier. so i can understand the situations but no get too emotionally involved. that doesn’t mean to remove all emotion, it just means to understand them and not let them overpower rational thought. i want to be able to achieve all of my goals no matter what they are. i would like to get my body in fantastic shape as well. to have both my body and mind sharp and ready for any challenges. increasing my value to women wouldn’t be a terrible side effect either. fear is a strong motivator. the fear of not having money rules a lot of my life. it keeps me from certain things, when i don’t worry about money i tend to have a better disposition. though i wonder if its about money or knowing the potential situations that may arise will be handled. then i look to my role models, i haven’t thought about it, i mean i wouldn’t mind having an hedonistic life, i enjoy those environments. living a life like bilzerian wouldn’t be terrible. though not necessary. having a physique like brad pitt in fight club or a pro wrestler like dolph ziggler or something like that. not really sure. those are really extreme ideas. that would have me get a couple million dollars and less than 10% body fat. maybe thats the plan. i don’t know, maybe those are just nice things that i don’t really need. i’m not even sure what my mission or purpose in life is. part of it is just seeing what the day brings and handling it the best i can. there are things i would like to do. i would like to travel not necessarily anywhere in particular just be traveling, just be on the move. wake up somewhere else than where i fell asleep. have my means of making money be a side effect of doing something great with my life. but i don’t care about leaving a legacy or leaving a mark. i suppose everyone wants to make money doing nothing, or doing something they really like to do. its part of the lie that you can get a job doing something fun and make millions of dollars doing it. so you can get that huge house and all that stuff they show in a beer commercial. i don’t even know myself, i’m a driven person once i know what i want and see the steps to take to get it. i just don’t have a target, i don’t know what i want. its a difficult situation to find myself in. i think my biggest problem is that everything comes easy to me and because of that i don’t know what to do next. cause i can do pretty much anything. though it may also be my fear of commitment or the lack of decisions being made. very odd to find myself questioning my road because i have no other plan.