I finally said on Facebook that I’m not okay. With Facebook’s ordering algorhythm and the people I have on my friends list, I figure 3 people will acknowledge it (J, S, and Nana) and probably comment, then I’ll get a thumbs up and some other emoji off the like button. To quantify, I only have 30 some odd friends on FB. I’m not a friend whore. I’m a private person.
I’ve gotten too good at faking smiles and shit. People actually believe me when I say I’m okay. Truth told, today feels like the lowest I’ve been in a long time. I’ve gotten so good at masking the pain, nobody knows. Or they know and they don’t care.
I’ll apologize for the nonsensical bits. I’m laying in bed and writing this on my phone, so I may not catch some autocorrect fail or just something it doesn’t understand.
I feel like it’s all falling apart around me, but I can’t pinpoint why. I know I’m not where I want to be. I should be ¾ asleep after going a couple rounds with my gf/fiancee/wife, but that’s obviously not happening. I should be in a slightly grander bed, in a bigger bedroom, in a bigger house, on significantly more land in a significantly quieter area, but that’s not the case either. So yeah, i do feel like a failure there, but that’s not feeling like part of why I feel like it’s all falling apart, At least, not currently, anyway.
I have changed things. I did get out of my home town, unlike a lot of my friends. I’ve not been in jail like too many of my friends. I’ve not had any near death experiences related to drugs or alcohol, unlike some of my friends. I bought my house. I bought the car I wanted. I bought the truck I wanted. I have the job I wanted (tho the money isn’t great). I started over. I recovered me. I got the chance to do it right, and I did. Had I stayed back there, I don’t think I’d be in a good position right now. I’d likely have gotten in with my friends’ bullshit and drama and probably gone a path I’d have regretted.
Not that I don’t have regrets now. I do. I wish I were already married with at least one kid. I wish my mom and grandma were still alive. I wish my dad were still alive. Fucking cancer takes the good people.
I was asked once if I was suicidal. I said no, but I couldn’t elaborate. I think part of why I don’t consider that is because I like to keep promises. Every night as I’m coming to bed, I look at my pets and say “I love you guys. I’ll see you in the morning.” To me, “I’ll see you in the morning” is a promise to them. I know it’s kinda stupid to see it that way, but if I died, what of them? Where would they go? Who would care for them? What would they think? I do not like to lie, and I do not like to break my promises. They’ve never quit on me. They’re happy to see me when I get home. They’re the ones who try to make me smile when they know I’m upset. Hell they’re probably the only ones who actually really know what’s going on with me. Don’t kid yourself. Animals are intelligent. They may not show it, but they know more than you think.
I hope this hollow closes soon. I can’t handle this very well. I can’t take a vacation cause that’s more time left to the devices of my mind and my subconscious. I am trying to make changes, but it’s not easy.