Also... in Book of M...

V asked me if I’ve ever been to a swingers club and said I might like it. I’m not sure how to take this, but I’ve never even gone to a club/bar and picked a guy up or gone home with a guy, so fucking some random guy in a club is probably not for me. It was also just very odd coming from him.

Sex with V has still been mediocre at best but at least he’s trying to improve. I’m having some fun.

I still don’t feel like M and I talk that much anymore. I miss it. He did talk to me on Tuesday and could tell I was upset about Monday and said he was just kidding. He listened to me bitch about stuff while I cried a bit. B came up in the middle and was like none of that now. I like that I can talk to M and that me crying doesn’t seem to make him uncomfortable. It definitely makes most guys uncomfortable. He doesn’t seem very happy right now. His relationship seems to be on a downward spiral. No matter the outcome I’d really like him to just be happy. I doubt he’d ever be happy with me, but I’m not sure anyone would be. Either way, fighting sucks, and even thinking about ending a relationship sucks more. The longer you’ve been together and the longer you wait, the harder it gets. And unless you’re just a sociopath, no one likes breaking someone’s heart.

I’m terrible at breakups. I’m terrible at dating. I’m terrible at being single. I think I’m pretty good at being in a relationship. I’m just a little needy. In the I want to see my SO at least every other day and I want them to spend the night with me regularly sort of way. I don’t need a guy to spend a lot of money on me or buy me stuff. I’m perfectly happy cooking dinner and staying in and cuddling on the couch watching a movie. I’m great at spending lazy Saturdays in bed cuddling and having sex intermittently. I miss that… a lot.

I hate being home alone. I hate that the only me time I have is spent sitting in my car in the driveway. I hate that I’m entirely unsure that I’ll ever find anyone who loves me for me. I hate that I care so much.