I'm not sure... in Book of M...

Of anything really…

I’ve been in a super funk recently.

Last week I fostered a dog. I took him to the adoption event on Saturday and a nice couple took him home for a foster to adopt trial week. So hopefully that is going well.

On Sunday my goat Cocoa finally had her baby. It’s her first. He’s super tiny. Since he put my animals count at 21, I shall call him Blackjack. Initially I really freaked out. I had gone to feed them Sunday night around 10pm and found Cocoa no longer pregnant but couldn’t find a baby. I had to go get a flashlight and start searching outside the barn. Luckily he was mostly white and close to the barn so I spotted him fairly quickly. Also grateful that she had at least cleaned him up good so he was dry because it was pretty cold that night. But got them shut up in a stall, but afterwards I was just way too anxious and adrenaline rushed to get to sleep anytime soon.

On a side note… my dad did come up today and put in the new led lights I’d bought for the barn… so now there’s actually light.

Thus far my week has continued with very little sleep. Monday was awful. I was hormonal. My sister pissed me off. I was gone all day. I even left work early to go with her to get a tattoo. After, her and K wanted to hit Hobby Lobby, but by the time that was done I didn’t have time to stop by the house to let the dogs out. So I asked my sister if she would do it because K and I had to be at a pasta making class fairly soon. Of course my sister is a selfish fucking bitch and was all that’s a lot of driving wah wah wah… so I said whatever… I left work early for you, but you can’t take an hour, fine. Anyways, after pasta class, K and I stopped to grab a bite and by the time I got home it was like 10:30.

I was basically having a nervous breakdown and I was talking to my ex hubby and yelling and screaming and crying. He ended up coming over to help even though I told him not to. Even with help it was 12:30 by the time I was finished feeding everyone and had cleaned up. So no sleep again.

Then on Tuesday my ex hubby and K came over and me and K made pasta from scratch. In reality I did like 90% of the work including cleanup and all the actual cooking. There were leftovers and I took a bowl to M at work today. He shared a little bit with B. They seemed to like it though I didn’t get much feedback. I’m not sure how well it reheated, but it was really yummy last night.

Also on Monday, M spent a fair bit of time picking at me. He says he was just joking and that if he actually thought what he said he wouldn’t talk to me. It’s still hurtful though. Trust me… I already generally feel like I never do anything right and that no one in their right mind is ever going to be interested in me and all my craziness. I certainly don’t need to be reminded.

I know a lot of people think I’m nuts because of my animals. And yeah, it’s a lot of responsibility, and sometimes I want to pull my hair out, but at the same time… I wonder if anyone realizes that there have been multiple times that they’re the only thing that keeps me going. My only reason for getting out of bed. My only reason for cleaning. My only reason to not run away. Or something worse. They are the only ones who are always there when I need to cuddle up in bed and cry. They’re the only ones who depend on me or even really care most of the time. And they’re the only ones who love me unconditionally. Even if there are days that I swear they hate me.

So yeah… they’re my reasons… for everything.

Last updated February 02, 2017