could honestly say that in my life at the moment I only have one true friend, a true friend who cares about me and likes to play Xbox with me, the time difference between where I live and where he lives is a hassle but it’s worth it to have a friend like that. I still have many “friends” on my facebook page, the majority of them are cool and all but we haven’t ever talked since high school, facebook is the only thing that keeps us connected and I don’t talk to most of them anyway. My life is such a fake, so unfortunate for me.
It is so unfortunate that I have to deal with all my illnesses and have no real support outside my family. But something isn’t right there either, my mom yeah but everyone else, well when I am around them their “support” feels fake, I don’t feel like I belong and I feel like everyone around me is faking being my friend or faking their smile, their love.....
I had a crisis earlier tonight that has made me realize this. I played with my normal two “Friends” for a little while and then watched a movie, one of them, the dickhead <----- that is the nicest word in my vocabulary that I could use to describe him., texts me asking to play call of duty, I don’t want to play so I just reply with Nah, he said “don’t be like that”, and then he tried the guilt thing “come on I played the game you wanted for so and so hours” I said that he asked me to play and he tired to play it off like I only got on to play with him. I just ignored him for a while and I was posting stuff to facebook about mental health and I showed some artwork that describes the illnesses I suffer and I put in the comments the description of the illnesses so anyone who reads can understand. Short version is, I try to educate people on this subject. Dickhead posts on it “Who the F*ck you talking to?” because I post under my original post to add more information and empty head over here can’t get that. I delete his message on there and I was starting to feel really crappy and I am thinking “Why do I always have to go through this?”
The next one was “ha ha he deleted my comment” - and this was on a post about mental illness, this post is serious and it’s been something he could never understand. It isn’t happening to him so it must not be real right? Then he starts posting other stupid stuff and I just started texting him and said “You know, being an a**hole isn’t helping your case for me getting on . (Xbox) “ “Oh I’m just playing around.” was his responce. see I hate that, I just can’t understand that whenever I don’t want to play with them they got to act like spoiled brats and through hissy fits just because I didn’t get on and play. They act like children and that is saying a lot coming from me who is still a child on the inside.
Before this happened I was talking about my illnesses and I was already feeling really down and this whole thing through me over the edge into a deep depression mood and I don’t have those as often anymore due to the mood stabilizer so when it happens I don’t know how to fight it anymore and it just overwelms me to the point where I am in so much pain that I just want to die and I start thinking about dying and killing myself even though I know I will not go through with it I am just saying that those thoughts run through my head. I started to dissociate very badly and everything around me started to feel fake and it felt like a part of me was trying to leave my physical body like my soul was trying to escape basically. I was on the verge of crying and the pain was so bad I wanted to die.
It made me realize that everyone in my life (cept for my mom) is just fake, their liars, frauds, and that they don’t care for me one bit. It truly made me feel so alone, I felt I really don’t have anybody and my only real friend is a person I don’t even know in real life. I know him on xbox but he is the only friend that when I talk to, I can hear sincerity in his voice and I can tell he does care about me. Why me? WHY DO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH EVERYTHING GOD D**NIT!!!!!!! WHY ME??????????? I just stopped after that, I cried for a good while and I begged god to help me and show me the right path. I begged him to give me a real friend like my friend on xbox but here where we can hang out.
I don’t understand why all of this is happening to me. Why does everyone hate me? Why is everyone around me fake? Why is my life this painful? I am all alone, with only the monsters in my head to keep me company. God please help me.
Loading comments...