Ten Days - 8/6/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

That's how long it is before I leave for college.

This is the most terrifying thing I think I have ever heard. It also kind of makes me want to laugh.

The days go incredibly quickly. Wakefulness seems like just a break from sleep, and I stay up late because I feel cheated out of time. I started taking melatonin a while ago, at the suggestion of Ann Whatsherface, so that I would not get addicted to my prescription sleeping pills. Now I can't get to sleep without the melatonin. I am telling myself that it is probably only a psychological dependence.

Ten days.

Molly is throwing a Harry Potter party for before I leave. I am helping to organize it. It scares the crap out of me, because it is going to be an actual party. There are going to be people there that we don't know very well, and we are actually going to plan to do stuff. I am afraid that not that many people will come, and so it will be a small group of people we don't know that well, which is worse than a large group of people we don't know that well. I am afraid that it will be terrible and that I will be held partially accountable. And besides that, I am afraid that because Julian does not like Harry Potter there will be no excuse now to see him for another last time.

One night a few weeks ago, I stayed up late replaying the same non-sexual fantasy over and over in my head. In this fantasy, Molly touches Julian, more than just her hand on his knee, and so I kick the shit out of her. I hit her as hard as I can and knock her down and step on her face. I have never kicked the shit out of anyone before, but I can imagine what it is like. I couldn't stop the fantasy from replaying. It was simulateously satisfying and excruciatingly painful. She has been over here a couple more times.

I had to select my "courses of interest" today, which is apparantly not the same thing as registering for courses. It was as confusing as hell. What is the difference between "Beginner Physics" and "Intro to Physics" and "Intro to Physics: Mechanics and Special Relativity"? Which is harder to get into, "Jazz Ensemble I" or "Jazz Ensemble II"? Why the fuck are there five different "Tonal Theory I"s, whereas there is no "Survey of Western Music I" even though there is a "Survey of Western Music II"? Since I got the impression that it didn't really matter, I just put down some stuff that looked good, even if it didn't make any sense. Hopefully my advisor will explain all this stuff to me when I register for real.

I bought a lamp and a body pillow. I am a little embarassed about the latter. Isn't it common knowledge that those things are for lonely women? I dunno, my mom bought it for me, so I guess it is okay.

Ten days.

Home is starting to feel like summer camp does on the last day. I have been listening to Joanna Newsom every day. Two albums, all the way through. I have not been listening to anything else.

It is the end of the day again, somehow. I should sleep.