Introversion, etc. - 7/26/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

Molly came over the other day. And it was fine. It was good. Well... It was weird. It was like it used to be - we melded, to the point where it felt like she wasn't even there anymore. It didn't feel the way interacting with people usually feels. It was natural, because she was me and I was her. But once again it seemed like I was only able to feel close to her by ignoring her personality. When I think about who she actually is, I don't like her. But when I let my guard down, she is me and I am her.

This phenomenon is exactly why I can't stand to be around my mother.

Yesterday we got together again, because Bonnie is leaving soon for Finland and will not be back for a while. I wasn't sure who would be there, and when I arrived at Molly's I was surprised by the number and combination of people: Bonnie, Dave, Julian, Valerie, and Laura Euphonium. No Molly.

"Hi," I said. They greeted me. "Where's Molly?"

"She's giving blood," said her father, who was hanging around in the general vicinity. "She left like an hour ago though." He sounded vaguely puzzled, but not particularly concerned.

"Well... Is she alright?" said Julian, who did sound concerned. "I mean, maybe we should call her just to make sure..."

"She doesn't have a cell phone," said Dave.

"Oh."

I had tried not to look at Julian too hard when I came in, but there was something weird going on with his face. It was either a beard or a large bruise. I couldn't tell which.

"So how's everyone's summer been going?" said Molly's dad.

There was a general murmur of "alright." Julian said, "wisdom teeth."

I looked. It turned out to be both. Most of Julian's lower face was swollen and yellow-green. Some ill-defined, mousy brown facial hair covered his chin and upper lip, but I could tell that underneath that the skin was light purple. I wondered about the purpose of the beard. Does it hurt to shave when your face is swollen? Was he trying to hide the bruise? Or had he just decided to grow a beard anyway? I've heard that sometimes men without chins grow beards as surrogate chins.

"I've forgotten your name," Molly's father stated.

"Julian."

"Julian. Right. And you are...?"

"Oh me? Laura."

"I'm Dave..." said Dave. Everyone laughed.

The most significant thing about this gathering was the fact that I felt incredibly self conscious the entire time. I don't think it was necessarily because of Julian either. I think it was just a lot of people, a couple of whom I don't know very well. It was also difficult to socialize after spending a long time doing nothing but sitting in my room obsessing. I also realized after I got there that I looked like I had been spending a long time doing nothing but sitting in my room obsessing. I was pale and pimplier than normal and my hair was doing strange things, and I generally looked like I hadn't been outside in a while.

Okay, and Julian was a factor too. I was trying too hard to make him laugh.

Anyway, for whatever reason, I was really nervous acted pretty stupid for the entire night.

When Molly finally got back from giving blood, we went out to dinner at an actual restaurant. (Waitresses make me uncomfortable.) Then we went out for icecream. We talked about the Meyers-Briggs test while sitting around a table that was far too small for seven people.

"Most of the tests I've seen test how shy you are, not how introverted or extroverted you are. There were a lot of people in Odyssey who were supposedly introverts who clearly weren't, and vice-versa."

"Well shyness is usually a good indication..."

"But it's not the same thing."

"They do ask questions like, 'Do you feel energized after being around people.' That's a good question. That's what it is, really. It's just that not all of the questions are like that."

"Alright," said Molly, "let's take a poll: Who here finds it draining to be around people?" Bonnie, Laura, Julian and I immediately raised our hands. Molly, Dave and Valerie did not.

"Wait, really?" said Valerie. Valerie is a shy extrovert and presumably doesn't understand these things.

"Well... I mean it's pleasant, just only for so long," said Julian.

"I'm going to go home and sleep after this," said Laura. "I think I was like... INTJ?"

"Hey, I'm INTJ!" I said.

"I think almost everyone I hang out with is NT," said Dave. "And most of them are INT. I'm... a lot more extroverted than most of my friends."

There was a pause.

"I used to be an introvert," said Molly. "I was an introvert the first time I took the test. I'm a lot happier now though."

Somebody made a face or something. I don't think it was me.

"No seriously, I mean, I was really depressed all the time in middle school and before that. I didn't like being alone all the time. And now that I don't have a problem with people, I'm not depressed anymore."

"Well then you were never an introvert," said Julian.

"I guess maybe not."

It was around this time that Molly and Julian inadvertantly made physical contact with each other. I didn't see it, but I could tell because Julian flinched.

"What?" said Molly, laughing. She put her hand on his knee. "What, does it bother you when people touch you?"

"Well, no, I mean..." He didn't say anything definitive, but he didn't flinch away or turn red. He looked as if he were keeping calm out of defiance. She laughed again and the subject was changed.

Everyone is leaving for college after me except for Julian, who is leaving the same day. (And Laura, who is not leaving at all.) Perhaps I should throw a party. Bonnie would be back from Finland in time. And I would get to see Julian for another last time.

Too bad I don't like parties.