An Entry Mostly About Sex. But Not Really. - 7/18/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

I am really not doing well right now. I suppose two or three years ago I would have called this "depression." But over time I have kind of gotten sick of that word and that mindset. So I don't know how I would describe how I am doing right now. Not well.

I have had almost no motivation. To do anything. I go to work, and then I burn my brain out on the internet for hours and hours. Nothing happens on the internet, but I am there all the time anyway. My shoulder hurts, and I have realized that it is from propping myself up on one elbow. That is my laptop position. All this internet makes my existence feel like nothing.

I just maturbated. Not because I was horny, just because I was bored. I don't know why I do it at all, really. I don't enjoy it very much. I have run out of things to think about during it. So it just feels pointless and empty and humiliating. It sort of always did, but it does now even moreso. And it makes me think that maybe sex doesn't mean anything at all, if I can do it by myself in ten minutes without even thinking about anything in particular.

I wonder if people at school thought I was a lesbian. Once in a while - too often, maybe - acquaintences would say things to me like, "I wonder about so-and-so... What do you think? Do you think (s)he's gay?" or "Isn't so-and-so hot?" And I would always turn red and say, "I - I dunno" all awkwardly. Maybe people saying stuff like that was a joke, or a test, like that time when Vajra was talking to Alicia about finding out a hot guy was gay, and Alicia turned to Julian and said, "Julian, if you were gay, what would make you straight?" That was a joke, and a test. Julian didn't answer all awkwardly though. He looked completely unphased and shrugged and said, "Well, I guess that would be like asking me now what would make me gay, and... I can't think of anything, so I guess nothing."

This is what I cite when I discuss with Molly whether or not he is asexual. I also cite the time he marked himself as completely straight on an anonymous GSA survey... That the GSA expected us to fill out during lunch. (Right, like anything is anonymous in a high school cafeteria.) But then Molly says, "Yeah, but maybe he doesn't get it. Maybe he thinks 'straight' just means 'not gay'."

On second thought, I don't think people at school thought about me enough to think I was a lesbian. I don't think they thought very many things about me at all.

A couple of days ago, I got so bored and lonely that I called Molly and invited her to go see a movie or something. She invited Dave, and we saw Transformers, because Dave wanted to see it. He really enjoyed it, because he is a young man who watched Transformers as a little boy, which was obviously exactly the movie's target audience. I thought it was pretty horrendous though. I got bored, the same way I got bored during King Kong. Except this time there was no one to amuse myself by thinking silly dirty thoughts about. (link!) So it was just kind of a bad time. Molly annoyed the fuck out of me, and I felt incredibly distant from Dave. Immediately after we got out of the movie, Molly said that she should really go home and go to bed. When we got back to her house, Dave got out of his car anyway.

"I... What's happening? I thought I was going to bed."

"What? Oh, uh... I dunno..." He was doing that thing where he wants something, and so he acts really dumb.

"...Oh. Kay. I'm going inside," she said.

"...You can come hang out at my house if you want," I said.

"No, that's alright," he said, which was of course the only appropriate response. I knew that.

I then drove all the way home with the emergency brake on.

Boredom: increased. Loneliness: increased.

It's not working. This whole thing really isn't working out. I really just have to not see them anymore.

I saw American Splendor this week. I liked it a lot. I think that it is a good movie for all bloggers. All you bloggers should go rent American Splendor. Then we should talk about it.

I do not feel bad about my insomnia today. It is intentional insomnia. I am adjusting my sleep cycle so that I can stay up late Friday reading Harry Potter. After I attend the midnight bookstore party. Dressed as Tonks. I am probably making too much of a big deal out of Harry Potter. I will probably be disappointed with it.

Another reason I don't feel bad about my insomnia is that I feel like I am accomplishing something right now. Whether or not that is true is up to interpretation, but I feel like I am.