Nastiness, Hate, and Harry Potter - 7/12/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

I wrote this in my First Draft Before the Internet Notebook last night.

Today has been a weirdly eventful day. Especially when compared with yesterday. I couldn't think of anything to do yesterday, so I didn't. Do anything. I just sat around all day.

Today I went to work. Customers are a lot dumber when it's hot out. And old ladies are always the people who assume that I can't do my job. Really, almost without exception, if someone's treating me like an idiot for no reason, it's an old lady. Someone should look into this. Work has been pretty laid back recently though. I have been working short shifts and they have been giving me breaks anyway. I have also been working with Lyra again, who makes me laugh and slacks off more than I do.

After work I went to the church and rehearsed a piece that I am playing there soon with Eccentric Organist Guy. I can't fucking play it, and that makes me mad. It is not that hard. I am physically and mentally capable of playing it, I just can't not slip up. I consistantly make mistakes that make it suck. I don't think Eccentric Organist Guy thinks I'm an amazing musician anymore.

After that I got an icecream with my mother. She is a terrible conversationalist, and that is why I am a terrible conversationalist. I grew up thinking it was okay to tell the same story several times or to tell a story with no clear point or to just list things or to recount unremarkable conversations that I had earlier that day. These things are not okay.

Even though I told myself that I didn't care that much about the Harry Potter movie, as soon as I got home I got the overwhelming urge to see it. I mean, it seemed wrong to just be sitting there when I could be watching the Harry Potter movie. So I drove to the movie theatre by myself and saw it. It was simultaneously pretty glorious and very frustrating. There are just so many great moments in the fifth book, and they couldn't possibly fit them all in. So it had to be incomplete, and it also had to be all fragmented. After I watched the movie, it sort of felt like I'd watched a two hour long trailer. Anyway,

Things that I thought were glorious: - Everything about Luna Lovegood - Fred and George's departure - DA meetings - Grawp - Umbridge inspecting Snape. ("And you were unsuccessful?" "Obviously." Eeee.) - Tonks, even though she had like one line. - The GIANT EPIC FIGHT SCENE. - When, in the giant epic fight scene, Sirius punched Lucius in the face. Actually, this just made me laugh really hard. It's like, "What? You're magic, what are you doing punching people in the face?"

Things that I thought were frustrating: - No Molly boggart - Too little about the Order - Snape's worst memory TOO SHORT. LILY WASN'T EVEN IN IT. - Too little Weasley chaos. No swamp! Yeah, never introducing Peeves was definitely a good idea. Stupid movie people. - Too little interaction between Umbridge and McGonagall. And when they did interact, it seemed like Umbridge was winning! I was so looking forward to, "I wonder how you hope to gain an accurate understaning of how I teach this class when you keep interrupting me. You see, I do not usually permit people to talk when I am talking." - No Saint Mungos. I was also looking forward to "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'THAT'S THE BASIC IDEA?!'"

Ahhhh... I need to stop now.

When I got home I couldn't stop talking about it. It made terrible conversation. Also, I just made a list.

Then I farted around on the internet for a few hours, getting nothing accomplished, not evern internet things. Mostly I was trying unsuccessfully to satisfy the temporary increase in my obsession with Harry Potter. Trying unsuccessfully to satisfy an obsession is not a good feeling.

I don't know why I can only think of negative things to say right now. It's really been a pretty good day. I get weird at night. I apply the word "weird" to too many things. Emma's mother used to criticize me for that. I really don't like Emma's mother at all. She is one of those people who is so self righteous she actually has an accent from it. Like, she speaks in that I'm-better-than-you dialect that psychiatrists and old clichÈd movie stars use. And get this - she is not even a real intellectual. She is more or less the origin of my theory that people who claim to be "art people" or "English people" are really just making an excuse for being too dumb to do math. I no longer think that this is true for all English people, but I'm pretty sure it's true for Emma's mom.

I am disliking myself pretty intensely right now because I was just lying awake disliking Molly for being so full of nastiness and hate, and here I am, full of nastiness and hate. Why do I have to dislike people? Why do I have to get angry so much? Why can't I just leave Emma's mom and the condescending old ladies alone? The way I wish Molly would leave that girl from her Odyssey class alone? Molly hates this girl who was in her Odyssey class, and she talks about it all the time, and it makes me dislike her. The only reason she hates the girl is because she says dumb things. So? So what? How does that justify you hating her? Why do you have to be so nasty? And not just about that, about lots of things. She gets really angry about dumb little things all the time, and yells about them and stuff. Perkily. I dunno. I think when you hate that much stuff you automatically qualify as a mean person, in general.

But look at me. Look at how much stuff I hate.

She scares the shit out of me because I don't know why she wants to keep seeing me. I have a suspicion that it's not because of real emotion. I have a suspicion that she does not feel for me now that deep absolute something that I once felt for her. Maybe she isn't capable of it. It's possible. I get the feeling that my feelings tend to be pretty excessively deep. But who am I to say that? Feelings aren't measurable. Anyway the point is... Why would she want to continue to be my friend if she doesn't feel that? I don't know. But not for a good reason.

Why am I still awake? It is two in the morning and I am tired, and I hate waking up at eleven.

I suppose it's possible that either Molly or Emma is still reading. But I figure if they are it's no longer my responsibility if their feelings get hurt.

I figure that because I'm an asshole.

I fucking hate it when little children scream outside my window.