Making Up, Apparently - 7/9/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

The hardest part of going to Molly's was walking from my car to her house. Driving there was fine, but once I got out of the car it was an effort to move my legs. It was especially weird because they don't have a doorbell and they don't lock their doors. So people just walk in. It was weird to just walk into Molly's house. She was in the kitchen. She jumped when she saw me. Bonnie hadn't arrived yet. We didn't have much to say to each other, and she pointed out that it was awkward, which I hate. She talked quickly and nonstop and blamed it on having had a can of coke. I couldn't look her in the eye.

It didn't really get better when Bonnie came. It didn't really get better when we left the house to go out for icecream. She is phony and obnoxious, and I couldn't help but notice it, and she didn't used to be that way.

It got better when Bonnie said, without any sort of transition, "I want to go to the zoo" and we started planning a trip to the zoo the next day. For some reason that's when I stopped noticing her personality and we melded a little bit the way we used to. We invited as many people as would fit in the van with us. They were: Dave, Laura, Speedy, Eric and Julian. Laura had something else to do. Eric said maybe and didn't show up. Julian said yes and didn't show up. So it was a relatively small group and I think Speedy felt kind of weird.

I called Dave before I saw him to make sure he was okay with me. He said, "Oh. Yeah." That was the entire conversation. The zoo was kind of disappointing. I had never been to the zoo, but I guess I wasn't missing out on much. Molly and Dave had the decency not to touch each other. Speedy is still pretty adorable. It was adorable when he was nice to the cat, and it was adorable when Molly's mom was interviewing him (presumably trying to figure out who the hell he was) and asked, "Now what is your instrument?" and Speedy said, "alto saxophone" and his voice was full of affection. There is something admirable and sweet about people who are attached to their particular instrument like that.

It was good to see Dave. My brain let out this sigh of relief when I first saw him. I could look him in the eye more than Molly. But he gave me a ride home and we spent the five minutes in complete silence.

I am not writing about this very well. I am writing about it like a robot. The reason for this, and the reason that I've putting off writing about it, is that it is very surreal. I really don't know what is up with it. It makes me want to say, "Wait, what?" Because nothing has been resolved. My feelings haven't changed. I guess Molly said that she would try to be more considerate and things, but still, it's like we're pretending nothing ever happened, and that's bizarre. This is like breaking up with your boyfriend, writing him a letter that says "you've changed, and I don't think I like you anymore" and getting into a somewhat nasty fight with him, and then a month later him calling you and saying "I understand how you feel, but can't I see you again?" and you saying "okay" and then getting together and making out with him. That is what this is like. I don't really understand how it happened. I feel like I am not really in control of the situation. I didn't really make any sort of decision about this - she did.

But still... it was nice to see her kitchen again. It was nice to see her cat. And it was very nice to see Dave and Bonnie and Speedy, and I don't think I can really see them when I don't get along with her. It's either everyone or no one. And I didn't really feel sad when I was alone for that month, but I had fun when I was with them. I laughed. It felt like breathing, even if it left me feeling unsettled, the way that socializing always does.

My mother's laptop has become my laptop because my mother has decided that she doesn't need it and that she doesn't want to buy me a new one. I am still drawing fanart. I have not been doing much else. For the first time I am vaguely excited about going to college. I have bought bedsheets. I have started putting entries in a chapter called "freshman year" even though I might decide later that that's not where they belong.

I have to go to bed. I am working tomorrow. As always, I do not want to go to work. But I shudder to think of what I would do all day if I didn't have a job to break up obsessions.