Yeah I'm fired up in Sometimes I feel dead inside

I can really hate myself. It's impressive how little I think of myself. I just want someone to realize that. The ego stroke is great, the appearance of having it all together is not entirely superficial. It's also not entirely correct. I doubt myself all the time. I regret more than I'm proud of. Life sometimes feels like I'm watching a tv show. I can yell at the tv all I want but it doesn't effect anything. It's frustrating feeling powerless in a world that doesn't seem to want to play by the rules. I don't want to be a cheater, I don't want to take advantage of the system. I see no other way, the good guys don't win, there aren't happy endings, there won't be any great love of my life. I've been living for the adventure of it all. But that only leaves me with stories and scars. Which I am appreciative of, but I want something that doesn't exist. I keeping a carrot at the end of the stick. I don't even know if I want it or why I want it. I have no reason to think it's anything good. Maybe it's the fight, I don't know anything else and I refuse to be beaten when I'm sure I can win. Is it pride that keeps me here? Is it fear? Is there something I'm missing? Maybe I'm insane and due to my insanity I will never be able to see what I'm missing out on.