daze in --

I’m mostly living in a daze.

I’m always under a lot of stress and I’m not entirely sure of how to deal with it.
My brain feels foggy and I can’t concentrate. I’m making a lot of errors. I’m afraid of starting class next week, since this is going to be a problem with the work I have to do.

I’m starting a new job. I was supposed to start today, but my paperwork hasn’t been processed. For some reason. I’m making less money than my teenage sister who just got a job at Panera. I’m trying to find a reasonably-priced place to live since my ex absolutely doesn’t want me here anymore, and a second job. I took out extra student loans to support myself, which really, really sucks. If I can get approved anywhere.

I even went so far as to apply for egg donation (yeah, my own human eggs), but I was rejected as a candidate. The payout is like $5,000. I’ve been constantly applying for jobs for the past six months and I’m awfully tired of it. I am grateful I even have a job. I’m grateful for a lot of things. It’s just… I don’t care about much of anything. I feel ambivalent and indifferent.

I miss my kids. They’re at daycare. I wish I could be more present for them. I’m just so distracted and in such a daze that I don’t feel like I’m 100% here on Earth and I’m not doing my best at anything like I should be. I can’t even do housework, really. It takes monumental effort to do anything and I just don’t have it in me.

Mostly I just think about how to get out of this whole living and existing thing without actually dying.
The only thing that keeps me at least somewhat motivated are my kids and how devastated they would be if I wasn’t here anymore.

I can’t keep leaning on my significant other for emotional support. He does so much emotional labor as it is, and I am a burden. I feel like he should be with someone who isn’t so much work. I love him and I don’t want to lose him. But I think I’m too needy for him. He has his own life. He has kids and a career. He shouldn’t have to worry about me. I just really wish I was more independent and more sure of myself. We hardly ever see each other too. I feel selfish for saying this but dating someone who is still married but separated is way more draining than I thought it would be. He’s the love of my life and I have to keep trying, I get that, but… it’s just not what I want/need things to be like. I mean, fuck, I still live with my ex and I’m sure that’s not ideal for him either.

I wish I could be content with everything. I don’t know how to be. I’ve never felt that way. My life is just me fucking something up, then trying to fix it, then the cycle repeats itself. It’s exhausting. And I just feel about right done with it.

My sister is doing well, which I’m very thankful for.