Loss - 6/15/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

I guess I should write about how I'm doing.

Except that I don't really know how I'm doing.

I guess I am in emotional survival mode, that's how I'm doing. It seems like I'm not nearly upset enough. And that's because some things just can't sink in completely. This is the most terrible loss I have ever suffered. I have lost the best thing I had, and the last thing I had. And it's my fault. I think if it sank in completely I would die.

I still can't believe it. It was only days ago that we were hanging out laughing together. Things were okay someimes. I keep asking myself whether this had to happen at all. It did. It had to. But it's so hard to believe that it had to, when we were happy sometimes. I can't remove them from my psyche. I would still want to automatically list them as my best friends in a description of myself. They are with me in my dreams. But they are not my friends. We have established - I have established - that we will never talk to each other as friends again.

Why did I do that? Because you had to. Why, why did I have to? Because Molly said that you either had to accept them as a couple or stop considering them to be friends. And you can't accept them as a couple, you've tried and you can't. It's like electrical engineering, it's like all that stuff you tried to do Junior year. Sometimes no matter how hard you try you just can't.

I can't help but think that this makes me a bad person. Even though I know I had to do it, it was a very weak thing to do, feuled by irrational dislike and emotions I couldn't control and didn't understand. That's what a bad person is. Bad people let their weakness hurt others. Bad people let themselves get thrown around by their emotions and the circumstances. Nothing's absolute for them, nothing is so important that they won't thow it away when things get too hard. I want desperately to be a good person. But maybe it's just something that you are or you're not, because I try and it's not happening. I can't believe I did this.

But I had to.

My father has suggested that I invite some people over. I have told him that there is no one to invite over. He said "what about Bonnie?" But for some reason that thought terrifies me. Then he suggested that maybe I should be cultivating a friendship with Laura or someone. That thought terrifies me even more.

I am not ready for a new beginning. I'm afraid I will get to Graham so exhausted by life that I won't want to do shit. I'm afraid it won't seem real because everything just seems like an end.

I have failed at every single interpersonal connection I've ever formed. I have pushed away every single person I've ever gotten attatched to. And I don't think I can get attatched to anyone anymore. I think that will always scare me, because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do.