Post Graduation - 6/9/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

or A Short, Flat Entry About Things That Should Be Important.

You know why I have been putting off writing about Senior Safari? There is not that much to say about Senior Safari. Here is what there is to say about Senior Safari:

I had a moderately good time, except that it went until five in the morning, so I got really tired and sick and ended up curled up on a couch by the end. Molly and Dave were never once more than a few feet away from each other, but that didn't bother me so much because I found other people to hang out with sometimes. One of these people was Julian. And yes, even though he was pretty hesitant about it, I got him to play DDR with me. And we talked a little bit. And it was generally satisfying. At three in the morning a hypnotist came in and hypnotized people, and it was amazing and hillarious. It made me forget that I was so tired I was ready to die. And at the end of the party, as dawn was breaking and my father pulled up to the curb where the people without cars were all waiting for their rides, I said, "Hey, Julian, I'm leaving now. I'll see you," because I could not quite get the word goodbye out of my mouth.

And he said, "Oh yeah, see you!" very pleasantly, as if he actually expects and/or hopes to see me.

A lot of people have asked me questions which suggest that I should be feeling some emotion right now. "Are you relieved?" and "Are you excited?" are the two most common ones. And the answer is no. I don't feel any emotion right now. I feel tired most of the time. And lazy. And I feel like obsessing over things on the computer for hours on end. But I don't think those really count as emotions, and they are all that I feel.

I suppose to some extent I have been happy. This is because all that I have been doing is sleeping and obsessing over things on the computer and doing errands for my father. We have agreed that since he did all the chores for a while when I was freaking out about my eighteen projects, it is time for me to do all the chores for a while while he finishes up his school year. I have been grocery shopping and things like that. It makes me feel like an adult, in a good way. I can also just go out during the day in my mother's car if I feel like it. This makes me happy. I'd forgotten that I like driving, even if maybe my personality isn't very well suited to it.

(I have never once remembered to turn my headlights on at dusk. Hey, at least I remember to close the garage door now.)

I have had this vague feeling of unease... almost like when I have homework and feel guilty about wasting time. I have tried to figure this out, and the only thing I've come up with is that maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm still not practicing much.

One of my mother's nurses at the rehab was a music major.

"Oh, well that worked out well," said my father when she told us.

"Yeah, that's what I said," said my mother. "I asked him if he still plays, and he said no. He said he practiced obsessively for three years in college, but then one day he just completely broke down and wanted nothing to do with music anymore."

"Huh. What did he play?"

"Guitar. He was going to be the next Cat Stevens."

I have written down practice goals, things like "all major scales in 4ths" and "Long notes on C#s, F#s, Es" and "smooth transitions on Blues After Dark." I have hung them on my wall. I have done this because I once heard Jay Goldman say, "Well yeah, if you don't have goals when you practice, there's no point in practicing." But usually I just pick up my flute and play all the major scales and put it down again without bothering to pack it up.