Goodbye - 6/7/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

The dizziness did not improve during lunch with my Aunt Kathleen, nor did it improve when I went home. I fell asleep in the car on the way to graduation and was released into a mob of people in an unfamiliar place with no idea what was going on. Looking around, I figured out one thing: That I should put on my cap and gown. I did. I suddenly became part of a crowd of five hundred people in bright green wearing funny hats. It was bizarre. This is all that I felt: "Woah, this is bizarre."

The whole thing was like a dream. I followed the mob into a very small hallway. I stood against the wall with people inches away from me on all sides for almost an hour. But it was only a dream, so I kept calm. Another thing that kept me calm was keeping my eyes fixed on Julian. I could see his hat. I could tell it was his because it stuck up ridiculously in the "M" part of the hallway. I looked at his hat, and I was calm.

The mob started to move into the arena. I heard the steady beat of a bass drum. Just quarter note, quarter note, quarter note, quarter note. It reminded me of some sort of pagan ritual. It got louder and louder, until it turned into the concert band playing pomp and circumstance. Lenablo was the one beating the drum, and I could hear Andy overblowing, his terrible tone sticking out from all the other trumpets. I laughed. It was so like a dream... I kept my eyes fixed on Julian's hat...

There were speeches. They echoed. They bounced off the walls of the arena, combining with the constant chatter. I got more confused. I didn't listen to the speeches. I focused on Julian's hat. I sat there in bright green, in the midst of five hundred chattering people in bright green. I leaned back. I smiled. So like a dream. My row stood up. I stood up with them and followed them. Onto the stage. Then someone handed me a diploma, only it wasn't a real diploma. Then I followed everyone to a circle of teachers. All of the teachers were there. All of them gave me hugs. Mr. Thomas gave me another hug and thanked me and cried. And I said "I suck at goodbyes, Mr. Thomas," and he said, "I do too, I do too." Mr. Sampson hugged me and the female Odyssey teacher hugged me. M. Wells hugged me. Madame Bellakanovski hugged me. My Chinese teacher hugged me. Man, I got more hugs in ten minutes than I have in the last couple of years. And there was still noise... Echoing... Everywhere... And nothing was sinking in... I wondered where Julian was... I just wanted to sit down...

Somehow it was over, and we were standing in a place with flourescent lights, and the gym teachers were handing out real diplomas, making fun of everyone's middle names in loud voices. I was vaguely trying to find the band, to say goodbye. But I didn't know where I was and there were just hundreds of people in green. Suddenly though, there was a stream of black through the green. And someone said, "Aidan!" and hugged me, without warning. It was Nicole the flutist. "Thank you so much. Good luck. Goodbye."

"I - I'll come back next year, I promise," I said.

"Yeah, we'll see you then."

She walked away. Then I woke up enough to chase her.

"Nicole - Nicole!"

"Yeah?"

"Where are the rest of you?"

"Well, Joe and Chris and some people are back packing up..."

"Where's like, Laura, and Speedy? Do you know?"

"No, I don't. Sorry Aidan."

I woke up more. I have to find the band. I have to find the band. I took off my robe and gave it back, and then I walked around saying, "damn." Suddenly I saw some more people in black through a big open space where a loading dock was. I ran onto the loading dock and leaned over the railing, looking out into the dark and rain. I could barely see her. "Laura! Laura!"

She ran over when she saw me.

"I - wanted to say goodbye."

"Oh. Goodbye."

"Good luck next year. I'll come back and see you."

"I'll send you recordings."

"Alright. Uh - I would hug you if I could get down from here..."

"I - I'll miss you."

"Oh. Uh -" she was making the whole thing more emotional than I had intended it to be. "Well yeah, I'll - I'll come back and see you..."

She put up her fist. After wondering what to do for a few seconds, I leaned down and touched my fist to hers. I think that was probably what she meant.

At this point Speedy ran over too. With huge, sad eyes. Seriously. Big old puppy dog eyes, beneath my balcolny in the rain. He stood a little bit behind Laura and just looked terribly sad. I saw him mouth my name...

"Excuse me," said someone in a truck.

"Huh?"

"You need to get off the platform, I need to move this onto it."

"Oh. Right. I - I'll see you guys. I'll see you." I got off the platform.

Speedy never got to say whatever it was he'd wanted to say. From this point onward, I think I'm just going to assume that he was in love with me. Mostly because it makes me feel good and is conveniently impossible to disprove now that I am leaving.

I have told several people about this goodbye and how epic it was, as if it were funny. I guess it was funny - Laura and Speedy reaching up to me in the rain for a last farewell as I stood on a balcolny. How clichÈd. But it was also too serious to make a good funny story. It was too sad. I fucking hate goodbyes.

The crowd had thinned by the time I wandered away from the platform, but Julian was still in it. He had taken off his robe too and was wearing a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up. I could see the shape of his body. I could see the veins and tendons in his arms. After stressing out for a few minutes, I said, "Hey Julian,"

He turned around.

"If I give you a hug, will you freak out?"

"Oh no - no, by all means," he said pleasantly. Which I also thought was funny. By all means. What a hillarious thing to say about a hug. Julian, you're hillarious.

It was the first time I'd ever touched him. And presumably the last. But all that I remember about it, all that there was too it, really, was that I forgot how tall he is and tried to put my arm over his shoulder, and that didn't really work. We didn't really fit like that. It was uncomfortable and was over very quickly, and I didn't feel warm and safe or anything. I should have wrapped both arms around his waist. That is how I suggest you all hug the very tall people you care about. I bet if I'd done that I would have gotten something out of it. I bet I would remember how he felt.

He didn't feel like anything. He didn't smell like anything.

"...You're going to senior safari, right?" he said.

"Yeah."

"Oh, so I'll see you there."

"Oh. Alright. See you."

I finally found my way outside and met up with Molly and her family and Dave and his family, taking pictures in the rain. They took some pictures with me in them too. My dad and my Aunt Kathleen were there. I felt I needed to say something to Molly and Dave, because maybe they would understand. It was this: "I fucking hate goodbyes."

"We still have another two months," said Molly.