Yearbooks - 6/2/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

The rest of senior week has gone more or less as expected: It's been slightly unpleasant and very weird, and it's made me tired and queasy and emotional. Wednesday I skipped the trip and tried to sleep in, but couldn't. So I farted around on the internet and didn't practice and went to the library and Brueggers, where I had very awkward interactions with several people. I hate that I can't just get a sandwich in there anymore. Thursday I went on the trip. They drove us to the beach and didn't tell us to do anything in particular. So I sat on the beach doing nothing with Molly and Dave and the drama kid who sang summertime... for some reason. Then they fed us lunch, and then we went home. The trip was marked mostly by me getting furious at Molly and Dave for talking to each other in soft voices all the time and exchanging looks of understanding and always sitting opposite me. But not acting it. I didn't act furious, because I knew I didn't have the right to be. Once again I reminded myself that in any argument against them, I would be in the wrong. I would be the crazy irrational bitch.

Friday we went to the gym and lined up in alpahbetical order for an hour. Like, it took us an hour to line up in alphabetical order. There were signs on the wall telling us what general clumps to be in. One of them said, "Miller, Julian to O'Connor, Aidan". ("Aww, that's cute," said Eric when he walked by.) But by the time Julian got there we had been instructed to straighten the clump out into a line, and we were on opposite ends of it. Then they filed us into the gym and sat us down the way we'll be sitting at graduation and told us to behave. They also read lists of people who never turned in their science books freshman year and therefore owe the school a hundred dollars, and everyone laughed. Then they gave us our permanent records. (My elementary school report cards all said things like, "Aidan continues to do well in academic areas..." and "Aidan needs to improve her ballance skills. We will work on that next term.") Then they drove us to a place where they fed us lunch. Then they gave us our yearbooks, and we started getting them signed.

I was suprised at how easy it was to go up to people and ask them to sign my yearbook. I was surprised that I could think of things to write in theirs. Reading what people wrote was interesting. I feel like mostly my acquaintences just found me amusing. Eric made fun of me for having dated Adam. Dave made fun of me for going to a snobby school. Molly and Bonnie both refused to sign, for different reasons, I'm assuming.

I found Julian very deliberately, very nervously and relatively late in the signing frenzy. Surprisingly, I think he cared too. I think he had been anticipating it as well. Because we both awkwardly made eye contact and both awkwardly asked question fragments that added up to "will you sign my yearbook?" That's how it worked. It was mutually awkward. He took a very long time. He sat there staring at my yearbook for a good five minutes, tapping my pen on the inside cover, looking not particularly freaked out, but very thoughtful. This is what he wrote:

It's been nice knowing you since (I think) middle school. Alternative Jazz Band was a very ambitious project and a huge success! I know I learned a lot about the trumpet from playing in a band. I hope you keep developing your talent for music even if you do choose a different major. I came really close to going to Graham, so I'll be curious to hear what you think of it. All the best, Julian Miller.

This is what I wrote in his:

Julian, it's been really nice. Thanks for playing so much music with me. I'll always remember that, and I'll always respect you. I've always been amazed by how you are never, ever a jerk. Anyway, good luck, and I hope I'll see you around. You should get a facebook. Seriously, it's not that bad.

Julian, I love you. I worship you. I'm in this beautiful, intense, glowing pain all the time because of you. And it's even more intense now because I have to say goodbye to you. I might never see you again. It hurts so much I feel like I might die. My heart is breaking, Julian, I can feel it splitting open and filling my whole body with warm, heavy liquid. Beautiful, glowing pain... I'm squirming from it Julian, I'm dying from it...

(I did not really write this part in his yearbook.)

I had my headphones on and was starting to walk home when Dave ran in front of me and jumped up and down goofily until I took off my headphones and said, "Um,"

"Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Alright."

"It is MacBeth made into a dark comedy. And it has Christopher Walken in it. And it is about a fast food restaurant. It is called Scotland Pennsylvania. I thought that I should share this with you."

"Oh. Kay."

I got into Dave's car with Molly (who seems not to use her own car very much anymore). I said, "Is Bonnie taking her car?"

"Yeah. I invited Julian too, but I don't know if he has a means of transportation."

"Oh. Why are you talking like a robot?"

"I don't know. It is fun."

Dave picked up his phone. "Hello?" (pause) "Yes you are invited, do you need a ride?" (pause) "I am downtown." (pause) "Yes, but I am in a car, you see, and can easily turn around." (pause) "Do you or do you not need a ride?" (pause) "Alright." (pause) "Um, the senior lot? I will pick you up in the senior lot." (pause) "I don't know. It is fun." (pause) "Alright, goodbye. Aidan, call Bonnie and tell her that we are picking up Julian, so she should not go to my house unless she wants to hang around with my dad for twenty minutes, which... Actually would be hillarious, but I'm assuming she doesn't."

Hanging out with Julian was fun. We went through the yearbook and made fun of people's senior bios. Julian expressed jealousy of the guys who got both most musical and tallest. (I meant to talk about senior superlatives when we found out about them. Yeah, I didn't get most musical. Neither did anyone I've ever heard of. Molly didn't get best car. Eric didn't get anything. "Not even best dimples!" he has yelled on a few occasions. "Look at these dimples! Look at them!" The only person I know personally who got anything was Bonnie. She got quietest.) The dog was around, which was somewhat amusing. ("But... But it poops everywhere and gets hair all over everything, and it'll lick me.") Scotland Pennsylvania is a good movie. Julian has a nice laugh. He says very funny things. Molly kept making fun of him and making him laugh. She kept poking him and hitting him playfully and stuff. He wrote something in her yearbook that made him blush and say "Oh, you read it already?" when she messed up his hair in response to it. I really wish she wouldn't touch him.

I hate her.

It made me depressed to think of how few times I have actually been able to enjoy his company like that. I got very sad at night when I realized that it will not be long before I never see him again. I took a sleeping pill, but it didn't kick in until I'd had time to be pretty emo.

What I wrote in Julian's yearbook wasn't nearly as freaky as what Malcolm wrote. He actually did say I love you. He said stuff about Julian being like a brother to him and how he doesn't know how he could have done it without him and things. He mentioned him in his senior bio.

I hate Malcolm.

I hate everything.

Alright fine, I don't hate everything.

It's just not fair.