Senior Week, Day One - 5/30/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

Yesterday was the first senior trip. We went to a theme park. Getting the entire senior class onto busses was interesting. There were five or six busses, and a lot of confusion. We had to wait in big mobs in front of the busses while teachers searched people's bags. Molly and Dave and Bonnie and I were all together in the big mob, but when we got onto the bus they were already sitting down, and there was one seat left.

"Is there any..." I said vaguely to anyone who might be listening in the chaos.

"There's a seat right there," said the (understandably) grumpy bus driver.

"Only one?"

"That's it."

"Oh," said Molly, looking up from her seat. "That sucks."

"Well do you guys want to... I mean, we could try to find another bus..."

"There probably aren't seats on the other ones either."

"Oh. Uh..."

She was already looking away. I looked at Bonnie, and she shrugged, and we got off the bus.

I went and stood generally near another bus mob. It didn't seem to be going anywhere, so it didn't seem to matter whether or not I was actually a part of it. I stared into space and felt miserable and furious. That doesn't make sense Molly. It doesn't make sense there there wouldn't be room on other busses. They have got to get all of the seniors there somehow.

I haven't been left out like that in a situation like that in a long time. I remember when I was a freshman, I always had to fight not to be left out on the band bus. There was only so much space near Eric and Cassandra and the other kids I wanted to hang out with, and if I didn't fight for that space they would leave me out. Not just on the bus either - I had to fight for their attention, or they would ignore me. And they often did. I remember hating it. I cried sometimes. I thought that I haven't had to do that since because I've had real friends who wanted to be around me as much as I wanted to be around them. I thought that I had good enough friends so that I'd never have to fight like that again. I told myself that I wouldn't do it again. I told myself, "No more fighting to be noticed."

You still have Bonnie, a voice in my head reminded me, and I glanced over to where she was standing beside me. But then I went right back to staring into space being miserable.

As I was staring into space being miserable, writing moved into my line of vision. It said, "Berklee Jazz Festival 2006."

Oh. I forgot about you.

I looked up a foot. "Hey."

"Hey," said Julian. "Do you know what's going on with the bus thing? Is it alphabetical, or can we just get on a bus?"

Maybe this bus ride/day can be salvaged after all.

"Uh... I think it's basically a free for all. We just got kicked off the other bus..." I noticed that I sounded bitter and made a mental note to sound less bitter.

"Acually, that line over there seems to be moving faster..." He moved towards another bus mob and I started to move after him. But at the back of that bus mob, he met up with

Adam.

"Hey!"

"Hey, what's up?"

I moved away again. Bonnie stayed with me.

"Well, this has not been a spectacular start to senior week," I said.

"Mm."

On the bus we watched V for Vendetta. I occasionally tried to get Bonnie to laugh and listened to Julian talk to Adam about what they always talk about: Star Wars. (Have I mentioned that in physics, Julian laughed softly every time Rogers said "the force"?)

We got off of the bus and had to run to catch up with Molly and Dave, who were progressing steadily towards the theme park. We wandered around for a while and then decided to go on the biggest, most nauseating, main-attraction roller coaster in the theme park.

Here is something that I forgot:

I HATE roller coasters. I actually said this several times after the roller coaster stopped. Like, pretty loud. Like, to the extent that the strangers sitting in front of us turned around and laughed and looked concerned.

I didn't throw up though. I just felt really queasy for a while, and eventually I felt okay enough to stand up, and then I felt okay enough to sit down and eat some breadsticks while everyone else ate pizza. Bonnie gave me some vitamin water. It helped.

We wandered around some more. I was fighting a little bit for Molly and Dave's attention. I watched while the three of them went on a wimpy roller coaster. (Didn't want to risk it.) Then Molly and Dave decided they wanted to go on the other big scary nauseating one. I started to follow them into the line, thinking, you know, I'd watch them ride that one too. Molly looked back like there was something wrong and said, "Do you guys want to..."

"Oh," I said. "I guess... Okay. So should we like, meet you back here in a while?"

"Yeah, sure."

Bonnie and I started wandering around. We both agreed that it was boring. We didn't really run into anyone. I wondered where all these seniors were that I was supposed to be socializing with. After a while, she said, "Shall we go on the rickety wooden guy?" Since by that point I felt fine, and I figured that it wouldn't be that bad because it was wooden, and I felt bad about being boring, I said, "Sure."

Mistake.

I just failed to recover. I sat on a stone wall for twenty minutes with my head on my lap. Then for another twenty minutes. Then I moved to the shade and sat for another twenty minutes. It was only getting worse.

"I'm sorry," I said. "If you want to find them and come get me later, I'll be fine..."

"I don't want to leave you."

"I'm sorry if I'm ruining your day."

She laughed. "This is fine." (This might have been the truth, actually. Bonnie does seem to spend the vast majority of her time just sitting places not talking to people.)

"Look, maybe I should just go back to the bus. I don't think I'm going to recover."

"Aidan..."

"No, seriously, just take me to the bus and go enjoy the rest of your day."

"I don't want to wander around here alone..."

"I... Just... I'm fine, just take me to the bus, will you? I can't look up and I can't think."

I gritted my teeth and hunched over looked down and followed her shadow for a while. At one point I said, "Shit, my glasses," and collapsed in the bushes for a while until she came and brought them back. We kept going. Just as I was about to say, "How much longer?" she said, "I think I took a wrong turn." Without looking up, I made and sharp turn and crouched down under a window ledge on the porch of some out-of-order building in Wild West Land. Country music was blaring, but things were still dark enough and quiet enough and empty enough so that my head cleared a little. I breathed deeply.

"I like country music," was the first thing I said.

"Oh yes, it's wonderful."

"Charlie Parker liked country music."

She didn't say anything.

"...That means it's good."

She laughed.

"So you said you had cards?"

"Yeah. You feel well enough to play?"

"Yeah, I'm alright. Playing cards alright, not walking around alright."

We tried to think of card games you can play with two people. We played them, and I predictably lost every time. Then her cell phone rang. "Hello?" (pause) "Hey Dave." (pause) "Well, see, I made Aidan go on another roller coaster, and she's feeling kind of sick again." (pause) "Yeah, for a while." (pause) "Um... We're in the Western... Thing... Across from the 'longhorn barbeque.' We're playing cards." (pause) "Okay." (pause) "Bye."

They showed up eventually, but they didn't stay long. Molly said that she paid to go to the theme park and that she was going on the freaking rides. They went away. Bonnie went with them after I told her to. After they were out of sight, I had a miraculous recovery. I walked around for a little bit, not really doing anything. I ran into Tom and Julian and some rock musicians and talked to them for approximately ten seconds. Then I just got back on the bus. Which made me feel sick.

As we got off the bus, Bonnie said, "Do you need a ride?"

"Yup. Yup I do. Hang on a second." I sat down on the curb and put my head in my lap.

Pause.

"It's not a good day, Bonnie, not a good day."

She laughed.

I spent the four minute car ride with the seat back and my eyes closed. When I got out I said, "Thanks. I mean, thanks a lot. And I'm sorry for... I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry I made you ride the roller coaster."

"You didn't make me, I did it, it was stupid. See you tomorrow."

"Bye."

My father wasn't home. I lay down on the couch and drank some water. Eventually I made myself a peanut butter sandwich and ate that. My whole body was screaming, "What the fuck did you just do to me?" I noticed that I had a horrendous sunburn. I noticed that my skin was hot and that I had the chills.

Why? I kept asking myself. Why am I that kid? Why am I that kid who can't handle amusement parks and feels sick all the time and tells bad stories and always has to fight to be noticed? Why am I that kid who can't get anyone to like her? I must be boring like Katie from colorguard. God, I hate Katie from colorguard. She doesn't do anything wrong, she's just annoying and has nothing to say and as a result nobody pays attention to her. I must be like that. And I'm that kid who gets sick from roller coasters to boot. I'm just that kid.

I wish I were pretty.

I added this as an afterthought. It was the last thought I had on the matter, actually. I wish that I had been able to come up with something else. I wish I had decided that I deserve better, and that from now on I won't deal with people who don't care about me - from now on I won't care about them. But I didn't really decide that. I would be lying if I said I did.

I'm probably overreacting as usual. But I mean, what if I am that kid? Somebody has to be that kid. And that's not fair, but it's true. We all know that kid.

I meant to end this more intelligently. I'm going to bed.