Last Day - 5/29/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

I wrote this entry Sunday but the website deleted it. Stupid website.

Friday was my last day of high school.

It was the most anticlimactic thing ever. EVER.

In French, we hung around and ate food. I was too embarrassed to properly say goodbye to Madame Bellakanovski.

In humanities we discussed our life goals. We went around the room. I got the last word, which everyone thought was comically appropriate, since I am comically philosophical and opinionated in humanities. I expressed the opinion that life goals are not a very good idea, and that the attitude that you can have anything you want if you want it badly enough is complete shit. I said that what I want out of life it to figure out what is important, and do it. I said that I've learned many times over that to get any more specific is dangerous and futile.

I agree with what I said intellectually. Emotionally it is a big lie. I am as goal oriented as ever, and someday I want to be an important snobby artist of some kind. This is what I want, and I expect to get it, and if I don't get it, I will consider myself to be a failure. So someday, I will most likely consider myself to be a failure.

When I took this test, it told me that I am more emotional than rational. I don't want this to be true, but I think that it is starting to be.

In band we handed in all our music and then hung around playing some video games that Greg brought in. I failed to properly say goodbye to some more people. When Laura looked weirded out and said, "What am I going to do without... You people?" I just sort of mumbled and looked away. And Speedy kept giving me looks that a certain paranoid egotistical part of me saw as being full of sadness and affection, and I didn't really talk to him at all.

Eh, we still have memorial day and a jazz concert. I'll see them.

I had fourth block off. Usually I go home. But it seemed weird to just leave. So I tried to find something to do. I went to the Odyssey room, but Mr. Sampson had a class, so I was shooed away. (I visit too often. They think I'm pathetic.) Then I wandered the halls for a bit, but that didn't seem to be accomplishing much. So I went and stood on the hill outside the band room and sort of just looked at the school for a while. But it wasn't majestic or anything. I couldn't find anything else to do, so I just walked away. I just walked home, and then I farted around on the internet.

Here is what I have done so far with my summer:

• Friday I farted around on the internet. Then I went to visit my mother. Then I played the Sims 2.
• Saturday I went to work. Then I visited my mother, and then I played the Sims 2.
• Sunday I went to work. Business was slow, so they let me off two and a half hours early. With my extra two and a half hours, I played the Sims 2. Then I went to visit my mother. Then, because I was starting to notice a pretty pathetic pattern, I decided to do something else. So I went to the video store. I ended up getting Memoirs of a Geisha. I watched it, and I sobbed uncontrollably.

On Thursday, my second-to-last day of school, after I played Julian's song for the metal heads, I ate lunch outside with Bonnie. We sat on the grass in front of the band room. We didn't talk very much.

"So Julian's not going to Graham," I said, after one of the many extended periods of silence.

She sort of nodded. "Where's he going?"

"University of Chicago."

"Hmph."

"What? What's the 'Hmph' for?"

"Quiet people shouldn't go to city schools."

"Why not? You can hide in the city. You can... Observe."

"But it's so loud. And crowded. And you don't have your lovely friends the trees."

"Bonnie, I don't think all quiet people..."

"No. All quiet people are the same," she said, narrowing her eyes mock-menacingly.

Another silence.

"So I kind of don't want to go to senior week," I said. "I feel like I just don't like partying enough to party for an entire week. I feel like I'll just be tired and want to kill someone."

She shrugged. "I'm telling myself that it will be more fun than I expect."

"Yeah, I guess it's probably one of those things. ...So you are going?"

"Yep. You?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Good."

"Good."