On Being a Girl - 5/19/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

Thursday was the high school spring concert - my last concert in the Williams Center. It was almost entirely unenjoyable. I think it was unenjoyable because I felt awkward. I think I felt awkward because I tried to look pretty. I think I did. Look pretty. I wore my high heeled shoes and a skirt and top that together looked like one slinky black dress. The shirt made my neck look long. So did my new short hair. But I was physically uncomfortable all night. I can't really walk well enough in the shoes to carry around chairs and stands, and it's awkward to have to hold your legs together when you're playing the trombone. But it wasn't just the physical inconvenience, it was the looking girly. I felt like I was just being ridiculous and makng people uncomfortable by flaunting the fact that I am a girl. I felt like I was making Julian uncomfortable. And Dave. And Molly. The whole time, a voice in my head was going, "Dude, who do you think you're kidding? Stop being stupid and put on some pants."

This is about me being intimidated by the male-dominated world of jazz, isn't it? I bet I would be fine with wearing a skirt if I weren't one of the two females in A band. (Possibly the only heterosexual female) ((But definately not the only member who likes dudes.))

Anyway, it didn't help either that I took a solo in B band that was... nothing. It's not like it was horrendous, I didn't hit any blatently wrong notes or anything, it just sounded like nothing. It was boring and timid.

But I looked pretty.

You know who I was Thursday night? I was Valerie.

Fuck.

Actually, I was feeling pretty weird before the concert... I couldn't figure out what it was exactly, but while I was reading Harry Potter instead of doing projects I started thinking about soaking wet Julian wiping the rain off his glasses and it suddenly occured to me that it had been another month... God, at least... Since I had attended to certain inclinations. And suddenly I really wanted to. So I tried.

Unsuccessfully.

God, the things I tell the internet.

So anyway, I think maybe that had something to do with the looking like a girl. Why I did it and why I was so awkward about it. I dunno. Maybe not.

I suppose the concert wasn't terrible. I talked to Dave and Eric, and said things which made Craig and Evan Desmond turn around from the row in front of us and laugh. Mr. Thomas' "performance art ensemble" based on Stomp was pretty good. The orchestra and chorus were atrocious, but Paul Yu was fun to watch as always. Summertime went pretty well in A band.

Yesterday in school I started to panic about how screwed I am, and by the end of electrical engineering, after I had built my final circuit, which doesn't work at all, I had such a stomach ache I had to go home. My dad called me in sick to work today to buy me eight more hours of project time. That's how screwed I am.

But I am taking Amanda's advice. I will get as much of this shit as I possibly can done before Tuesday, which will not be all of it. But I have been told that I will not get kicked out of Graham. So I am taking Amanda's advice and after that I am relaxing.

Also, I am clearly relaxing right now. It takes me too long to write entries. I should be researching Leibnitz.