Angst. Angst. Angst. - 5/16/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

Things have not been going so well lately. My five projects are starting to stress me out more than they were before. It is becoming apparant that I am going to do dismally fourth quarter. It is just going to happen. I have discussed this with my father and my guidence councelor, and they have both assured me that I am not going to get kicked out of Graham. All I have to do is scrape passes. Which I will, somehow. My guidence councelor doesn't even really care about my classes. He is mostly concerned with my "family situation." Which I still don't think has very much to do with my grades, since I have still pretty much failed to notice it. I have been to visit my mother twice. It is neither pleasant nor unpleasant. She doesn't look too bad, except that she isn't fully clothed and hasn't taken a shower in two weeks. She can talk, but when she does she sounds like an old woman. She sounds like my grandmother used to. The only time that visiting my mother bothered me was once when my father started to cough uncontrollably at the same time that she was trying to get out a story in her old lady voice. It went on for many minutes - the coughing and the droning voice, at the same time, just on and on, and she couldn't get the story out because the coughing wouldn't stop, but she kept trying. It bothered me because both of my parents seemed like honest-to-god old people. I don't really like old people that much. They scare me a little. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but it's true.

This is really the only effect that my mother's absence has had on my life: My father is annoying the fuck out of me. He will not leave me alone. He comes into wherever I am every ten minutes and gives me a report on what is going on. Usually the report is not even relevant. He does things like tell me everything that he is going to do in the next hour. He repeats himself a lot. He lets me have the car sometimes but watches me from the open door until I pull out of the garage. He keeps telling me that he loves me. I really, really wish he wouldn't do that.

I tried to tell my guidence councelor that really this hasn't been affecting me much - that really I'm fine and that I'm only doing badly because I'm slacking off. He's still going to call Graham and ask them to take into consideration my "family situation."

Today I felt better. Today I was happy. We have actually been doing stuff in theory. I wrote a chorale during class, and it was fun. In humanities I talked to some kids about Harry Potter, which I am obsessing over violently. Electrical Engineering made me think that maybe I am reconciled with Rogers, and that maybe I will be able to successfully pull off a project. I soldered. In calculus I played tetris. After school I walked downtown and got an icecream, because I felt like it, and then I walked home. It was cloudy, just about to rain, and the woods looked cool and deep and beautiful. They enclosed the sidewalks and everything was dark green.

There was jazz band at night. There was also the senior exhibition exposition. This meant that I had to make a poster to put on display in the gym and stand next to it.

First of all, I hate having to be in two places at once. I am too uptight for that. I get all nervous and can't just enjoy being in the one place that I am. Second of all, all of the school's interior doors were locked and there was a raging thunderstorm going on. So I had to run from one outside door to the other in the pouring rain.

Alright, I'm not going to lie, this was actually fun.

The senior expo was depressing. I don't think anyone came over to look at my poster. I mean, alright, it was a pretty ugly poster. But it was still depressing. I walked around eating food and making awkward conversation with people I don't really know.

And Julian. Julian did a senior exhibition. Julian ran back and forth between the exterior doors too, and got all wet and had to take off his glasses and clean them. I had several short, pleasant conversations with Julian in the gym. I always forget until I stand close to him that I don't quite come up to his shoulders. He told me that I so should have taken AP physics. I suppose that this could be interpretted as flattering, but it was also depressing. Is it bad that I regret this so much? Not taking a highschool course? That's not a very good thing to regret. But still, if I'd taken AP physics, maybe I would have more short, pleasant conversations with Julian. Maybe I would feel better about myself, because I would still be a Science Kid. Maybe I wouldn't be so jealous of Molly and Dave, because they're Science Kids. Maybe I would be able to keep up with the conversation, and see them once in a while, and therefore maybe we would still be friends, really. We're friends, but we're not friends, really.

Maybe it would have been interesting. Maybe it would have been fun. Everybody says it is. I really feel like I missed out.

Anyway.

He laughed at things I said. He smiled. He said, "see you later." I went into the bathroom and said,

Julian, I'm too scared to ask you, but please say you were merciful and went to the University of Chicago. Please Julian, I can't put up with another four years of you being so beautiful.

The more stressed out I am, the more I obsess. I think that this is the first time I've realized this. In addition to wanting to curl up and fall asleep in the image of soaking wet Julian cleaning off his glasses, I want to curl up and fall asleep in the world of Harry Potter. And I have been. I have been frequenting fanart sites and watching Potter Puppet Pals (see above) and I am reading the fifth book and I have discussed things in forums for Christ's sake. I do this instead of my projects. This is why I am only going to scrape by. It is like a drug. It is like sleep. It makes me feel very excited in a very simple, very restricted way.

I don't care.

But I do. I do care. I don't know.

If I do one thing right, it will be my theory project. I will write something that is everything I feel. I will write something that explains it all. It will make everything okay. And it will be about Julian, and Julian will play it, and it will be a CONCLUSION. Whatever I feel for Julian (which is not love, which is something different and better) is the most important thing I have ever felt. It is the most important part of how I feel about highschool and how I feel about leaving highschool, and if I can at least write something that will DESCRIBE it, it will be okay. Leaving will be okay.

And I wonder why I'm not satisfied with anything I've come up with.