Haven’t made an entry in almost a month, time flew by and my birthday is on the 16th, I turn 21. mmmmm Things still aren’t looking that great but when are they ever for me, well I can name a couple of times this past month, well only two. I celebrated Christmas early with my sister and my nieces and nephews a few towns over. We stayed a few hours but I had so much fun, actually I was dreading going but man am I happy I did. It was awesome seeing everyone together and we have a weird family so a lot of funny stuff happened. Another time was yesterday as I went to church to pray. This following paragraph is what I wrote on another page.... “I went to the Catholic cathedral in my town to pray, I like to go when I know there aren’t many people there, I like to pray in peace. I stayed for a while saying all my prayers and after I left the building and got in my car I felt this overwhelming peace in my heart and mind, like all the energy flowing through me slowed and united, calming me. I felt so balanced, every part of my body in harmony with each other for a change. My heart and my head calmed and joined together. I can feel god’s light shine and radiate through me. This feeling, of stability, peace, and light is just so new, so amazing. I feel at peace and I feel strong, for once I feel..... Stable. I feel clean and I feel overwhelming love in my heart. I just can’t seem to find words strong enough to describe it.....”
Most of the time though I feel like a robot, I feel dead inside and what’s left my depression take’s it’s place. I guess the medicine I am on has subdued me, I still rapid cycle a little throughout the day but just between feeling nothing at all and that despair. My thoughts are calm and not as wild as they used to be, my anxiety still kicks up often and I have become extremely more irritable. When people around me are talking to me all I think is “I wish they’d shut up.” and my replies are usually cold-hearted and sarcastic. I don’t mean to, I don’t know how to stop, these feelings just take control of me. I find solitude more appealing now, I don’t really feel as lonely as I used to. In a way, I am in my own world, the way I like it. I don’t like reality, I just cannot handle reality, and I cannot take the responsibility for reality. I am a tortured and scarred soul, I try to show kindness and compassion to strangers like I should, but people who are close to me probably can see the difference this past month or these past two months, how my personality has changed, and not in a good way. I wonder if I will ever find the right medication combination, 2 years now and no luck.
Beyond a place that you can see in the darkest corners of reality there is a place that you will find the damaged souls left behind where broken hearts beat as one and the healing process has begun there is a place that you can’t see in a land that’s free from reality.
The Darkness always felt bittersweet. Some days I would ache for its taste, and others, I’d wish to never wake up to its moonless sky. - Veronika Jensen
They: In the corners of the mind they wait, hide themselves till it’s to late, voices born when times were dim, once more you crawl beneath your sin, and in the dark you hear them scream, seeping forth into your dreams, monsters creep inside your brain, ghosts invade our soul again, and in your silent times they call, voices speaking from the wall, ghosts crawl back into your mind, creep back from the graves of time, and no matter what you do, they are always part of you, hiding from the light of day, but at night come out to play, voices from the corners leak, from the walls they seem to speak, creep and crawl beneath your skin, always breaking in -Jack Skeleton
I was born with a soul that is way too sensitive for this cold and ugly world, I have always felt things deeply and differently than most people. That has always been my blessing and my curse. -Reggie Nulan
I wake up from the nightmares, and I know that I’m alright, I get through my days but they return every night, screams of long-lost innocence, echoing through my mind. No matter how far I walk they never fall behind, my darkness breathes within me, my life a constant fight, between closing my eyes forever and shining my own light. - Matthew D Eayre
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