Fuck Drama - 4/26/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

i'm sorry aidan. i have still been reading your diary... Iknow that is terrible and I feel horrible, but I still wanted to be friends with you.It makes me very sad, because I still remember how close we were. I love Kurt Vonnegut too. He is one of my favorite writers too. If we still talked, we could of talked and mourned about him together. I know you probably hate me, but call if you want. emma [p]

I also want to tell you that I am almost exactly like you, but without the musical ability. I am extremlly depressed and anxious and have been for more than a year now. I was left alone after surgery. no calls, no visits, nothing. I still remember the ppicnic we had. then going and making fun of the prom magazines. ah.. sorry.. I'm a bitch. I'm not reading your diary anymore. [p]

Here is what I thought after I received these notes, well over a week ago:

First I thought, "Oh no, why do I have to deal with this?" Then I thought, "You're not a bitch. I don't hate you." Then I thought, "But I don't have any particular desire to be your friend either. Sorry." Then I felt guilty. Then I felt angry, and I thought, "I don't care! I don't care! Just leave me alone!"

Then, a week later, I wrote this. It is all that I could think of to say.

Hey. I hope this is still your email. Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. Look, basically... Don't worry about it. That's really all I have to say. Don't worry about it. I don't hate you. You're not a bitch.

Look, when I lost touch with you, there were never any negative emotions involved. It's just that I am really not very good at keeping friends. It wasn't because of your surgery either, I don't think. You just weren't in my classes anymore in high school. Because I am honestly just not that into people, my friends are whoever I happen to be around every day. That is just the way I am. I know it is kind of a sucky way to be, and I'm sorry.

I have been anxious and depressed also. Who isn't, really? Life sucks. Especially high school. Especially senior year. Lately I have been having trouble keeping ANY of my friends, actually. Lately a lot has been going on. So the most I can say to you, really, is don't worry about it.

• Aidan.

Today, now that it is official that both Molly and Dave are going to ITI, I got a response to that email. It was from Dave and it read as follows:

Do you want to talk about this sometime?

I said:

The answer to that is "I don't know." In some ways I would like to talk about it, but in other ways I feel like nothing good could come out of that conversation. There is really nothing rational about how I am feeling about these things right now, so maybe there is nothing to talk about and the best thing for me to do is suck it up. I dunno, do YOU want to talk about it?

The reason that I feel like nothing good could come out of that conversation is that I hate them right now. I really do. I hate them I hate them I hate them. But every time I think this I cry.

Fuck this. Fuck all of this. I didn't ask for this. Why do I have to deal with this?