Breakdown - 4/22/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

Well, after Molly and Dave showed up at my house wearing matching sweatshirts from the college they're going to, I completely flipped out. I was alright while they were around, but after they left I flipped out, in front of my mother. Then I ran out of the house and wandered around in the rain without a jacket on for a while until my mother came and found me. I wouldn't talk to anyone for a couple days after that and I couldn't think of anything to do but lie in bed and read, and quite a few times I considered just chugging the entire bottle of my sleeping pills. I kind of don't even want to talk about how I felt then. That is why I haven't been writing. But I mean, for Christ's sake, matching sweatshirts. When they knew that the idea of them going off to college together bothers me.

I sort of ended up admitting to my mom that it's about sex. I really wish I didn't end up admitting these things to my mom.

So anyway, it is back to therepy for me. I am trying someone different this time. I think it is going to be better. The new office is right across the street, so I can walk there from home or school. Also it is less depressing. And the lady seems to be less bullshitty, and she says that the type of therepy where they just sit and listen to you, which is what I had before, is on its way out. After I had told her a few things about myself, she guessed some other things correctly. She suggested that this might be more neurological than psychological, which is why nothing happened before.

She used the word "hyperfocus". I like this word. It is a good word for "obsession". I think that it is an interesting way to articulate how I think in general, and especially what happens when I get really excited about things and forget to eat.

The new therepist's name is also Ann something.

This is one of those cases where I feel like I can't write about anything good and trivial because of something bad and serious. I feel like it would be silly and in poor taste and would make the bad serious thing seem like less of a big deal. But I can't write anything intelligent about the bad serious thing either, so I end up writing nothing, or something boring and dumb that doesn't convey what happened at all. It was a big deal. But there have been some good parts of vacation. It rained a lot, and then it was sunny and warm. I am quickly rising through the heirarchy of giving a shit at work. I am starting to think that they are actually going to make me a shift manager. I went to the library a few times. I read Timequake and Catcher in the Rye. Once, Julian waved to me and smiled. I was going to write a whole entry about that.

I was supposed to do a bunch of school work over the vacation but didn't at all. This might be a serious problem. Last term I was pleasantly surprised when I got Cs in all of my serious classes. This term I think I will be lucky to pass them.

That is about all I have to say for now. Hopefully I will be able to write a real entry sometime soon.