Last Rehearsal - 4/5/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

Yesterday was my jazz band's last rehearsal. It was pretty warm and fuzzy. Everyone showed up, and we got a fair amount done, and there were some good jokes made, and at the end I handed out the thank you notes I wrote and everyone basically went "Aww." Some people opened theirs right then and there and some people waited. As the some people were opening theirs, Jack sat down at the piano and played warm and fuzzy music. I think he probably picked that song unintentionally. But still, if the end of that rehearsal were a scene from a movie, the musical accompaniment would be that song, exactly. It sounded very... Inspiring.

"Aw, I feel so inspired right now!" Molly said, about the music, and people laughed.

Laura Euphonium was one of the people who read theirs right then and there. It said this:

Laura, I'm not even entirely sure where to start. I guess I will say that I'm very glad someone's taking over the band, and I'm very glad it's you. You really did a great job with Muzikawi Silt, and I'm sure you'll take the band and make it even better. If I were to give you any advice, it would be this: Take easy classes. You will need the time to obsess. You seem to have the directing part pretty much down, so uh... Recruit! And be sure to write some easy peices! And find a successor! Okay well... Good luck. With the band. And in general. And thank you.

After she read it she came up to me and gave me a hug, while the music was playing like that. Then we had a small, embarrassed conversation. Or it was embarrassed on my part, at least.

I am, of course, obsessing over it.

I'm not even exactly sure why I'm obsessing over it. I suppose it's probably because it made my emotions do something noticable and weird and bad, and it wasn't immediately obvious why, and now I feel the need to figure out why. Here are some possible reasons I've come up with: 1. I do not like hugs 2. I do not like emotions 3. I am afraid of Laura because she likes girls 4. I am afraid of Laura because I like girls 5. I never really intended to be quite this much of a personal mentor to anyone and it is a little unnerving 6. Everything is ending

This last one was definitely the one that gave me the all-over feeling of queasy unease that kept me up until well after midnight last night. I didn't take a sleeping pill, because I'd just taken one the night before and I am afraid of full-fledged addiction and also I just didn't feel like it. That was my last rehearsal. No more rehearsals. When I think about it, the band was the perfect thing for my highschool career to lead up to. It was the culmination of everything I was and did in highschool. If it's over, then highschool is basically over. Basically, I had another one of those waves of realization that everything is going to start over completely when I get to college. I am not taking anything or anyone along with me but me. Therefore, I am profoundly alone.

Well, I had been really happy before that. It was a happy afternoon. I found that if I relaxed the muscles in my face, they just popped into a smile automatically. My band has been a success. We haven't had the concert yet, but we are well prepared for the concert. If things go badly, it will be a fluke. We deserve for things to go well, and we all know that. And I have created something permanent. I have created a group of people who care about each other enough to keep the group alive. I could tell, looking at people's faces, that almost all of the underclassmen are going to join Laura's band, and that all of the underclassmen in Laura's band will probably join the band when it belongs to someone else the year after that. I really can't think of much you can do within the highschool universe that's more satisfying than that. I will consider myself lucky if I can do something like that to the real universe before I leave it.

By far the shortest and least sincere of the thank you notes was Molly's. This is because nothing has really been resolved. It's just been ignored. It's just been shoved under the rug. It really can't be resolved, because it is just a fundamental personality difference. I think I may finally be coming to peace with the fact that it doesn't need to be resolved. I'm not taking Molly away with me when I leave any more than I'm taking anyone else. So I can dislike certain parts of her personality all I want. As long as I ignore them long enough to maintain a social life for three months, everything will be fine. We will say goodbye amicably and keep in touch as much as any adults who were friends in highschool, which we all know is not very much, and we'll make new friends and that will be that. I guess maybe this is just my brain saying this, and that my emotions don't quite agree. But still, it's true.

My meal plan and housing options came in the mail yesterday. That's is probably where all this is coming from.

Five days until jazz night.