Can't sleep..frustrated..lonely... in diary

I can’t sleep. Feeling no less tired, but still can’t sleep. Partly my fault I guess. I read the last chapter of 50 Shades Of Gray. I know I know....some think smut. And perhaps for parts I agree..with the whole rich man hitting women sexist stuff. But I read or kept reading more for the wounded soul that was Christian. But the small glimpses at why were not enough for me. I get it…it has to stretch out throughout the book. And I know me…the pat romantic ending would have made me mad too.
I don’t know if it is or was the book that had me melancholy the last few days or if it is the melancholy of the last few days left me sleepless at the end of the book.
I have been thinking about Matt a lot lately. Maybe because of the book too. Who knows.
I have been fighting messaging him for days now..since before Christmas. I don’t know if I was reading the book back then. But the can’t give me what I want but wants me resonated with me I guess. I dropped in to check if it fit to message him. I got ..not now..but not never.
I dropped in before my dance too..to pick the song. It was ‘These Arms Of Mine”. It took me a while to find it because I was convinced the line/title was ‘these lonely heart’ or something like that. But, found it I did, and danced I did. It just made me lonelier.
Maybe part of it is feeling old and alone today. I went to go out today..first time since the Christmas storm. There were like 3 feet of almost foot deep snow behind my car that I decided to just ram my way through. I got through..almost. The plowed other side of the back alley had a ridge that stopped me just short of my front tires being all on plowed lane. I got stuck. A young guy riding a bike of all things stopped and helped me out. He shovelled and pushed. I…just felt old and helpless. I grew up on a farm…I should know how to get unstuck from a light stuck that I was. I could not physically dig myself out. It exhausted me to just walk back into the building the two times to get traction and a shovel.
Kath’s Jon came over and shoveled the part behind the car so that I could pull back in.
I just feel old…and alone…and lonely…and sleepless…and confused…