All Bands' Night - 3/22/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

I was very nervous before the concert. It wasn't obvious why. At first I thought it was just because of my solo. Then I wondered whether it had something to do with the announcement of drum major too. I decided it might. I think I was nervous for the band next year. And for Laura. And it had a lot to do with myself too - I was reliving those feelings a little bit, and that was making me all uptight and weird. I was uptight and weird through the entire concert. I didn't really enjoy it much - I was too uncomfortable. I just wanted to get off the stage.

As we were gossipping about the drum major situation before the concert, Eric made it clear that he already knew, but couldn't tell us. This was a very Eric thing for him to do. He looked unhappy. The marching band went first. We got into uniform. We hung around for a while. We had a good performance. Eric still conducts better than I do. I wasn't really feeling it.

I changed out of my uniform and left the band room a little later than everyone else. Somehow I lost the other highschoolers. So I sat by myself in an empty section for a while, confused, and then I figured out generally where I was supposed to be and went there. I sat awkwardly in one of the all-by-itself seats where a cameraman can sit if there is a cameraman. Then I realized that I was coincidentally sitting right in front of Julian. There was a railing between us. His knees were a little bit away from my head. I aknowledged his presence by asking if he had a program. He didn't. Then I turned back around and we didn't talk to each other. But I listened to the conversation he was having because it was there.

He was having the conversation with Speedy and Leonablo. Speedy and Julian actually know each other and get along amusingly well, whereas Leonablo is the kind of person who will have a vague, confusing conversation with you without bothering to take note of who you are. I'm guessing that Julian had never before seen Leonablo but decided not to question his presence.

The conversation after I sat down went like this:

"That kid's wearing a winter jacket," said Leonablo.

"It's not winter," said Speedy in his complete monotone.

"I think you're missing the point, Speedy. Speedy, I still think you don't understand, Speedy," Julian was saying this with mock urgency and laughing. I don't know why. "See, he's wearing the winter jacket because he doesn't own anything else that's black. Do you understand Speedy? I still think you don't understand, Speedy."

At this point the middle school band director, who is no longer Mr. Thomas, rambled a little bit.

"Why is that guy still talking?" said Julian.

"What guy? Why wouldn't that guy still be talking?" said Leonablo, looking vaguely into space and clearly having no idea that there was a guy talking anywhere.

"It's just so trite and meaningless. Like, what is he even saying?"

"This guy is the stereotypical guy with the last name Rabbit," said Speedy.

"Is there really a sterotype for that?" said Julian.

"I dunno. What do you expect from a guy with the last name Rabbit?"

"Great things, Speedy. I expect great things. Hey, it's the Flannigan band!" He cheered. "What middle school did you go to Speedy? Did you go to Flannigan?"

"I went to West."

"What school did you go to?" said Leonablo to Julian.

"...Flannigan."

"West is the best," said Speedy in his complete monotone.

"See, Speedy, I still think you don't understand Speedy. See, just because it rhymes, doesn't mean it's true. Let me see if I can explain this to you, let me see if I can think of an example... Like if I were to say, 'your shirt is made of dirt,' that wouldn't be true, would it Speedy? Do you understand, Speedy?"

I had clearly missed out on some joke that had become an ongoing joke. Even still, "your shirt is made of dirt" made me laugh silently for way too long. I hoped they didn't notice. I mean, I was only a few inches away from Julian's knees.

"West had a ladder in the auditorium that went up to the roof," Speedy pointed out.

"Yeah well, Flannigan had... um..."

I tried to think of a way in which I could participate in the conversation at this point. But I couldn't think of anything Flannigan had besides "a confusing layout." That was mildly funny, I decided, but I also decided that it would be weird to turn around at this point.

"Oh, oh," said Leonablo, "remember the cage thing?"

"The cage thing?"

"There was like a cage thing outside the cafeteria where you could eat."

"Oh yeah," said Julian. He laughed. "For the sake of this argument I feel like maybe we shouldn't bring that up." The Flannigan band left the stage. "Hey, are both middle school jazz bands going, or only one?"

At this point I turned around and said, "I was wondering that. Hey Barry, do you think we should leave now for B band?"

Barry shrugged.

I stared for a while at the group taking the stage. "I think it's only one of them. I think I'm gonna leave now."

I left. I sat in the hallway feeling mildly depressed and not wanting to go on. I went on. I played with B band. It went pretty badly and I was so uncomfortable on stage that I'm sure I looked ridiculous just sitting there. Dave and I stayed on stage and the rest of A band came up. I switched instruments and sat with the saxophones.

"I forgot my music," announced Mike to me when he sat down next to me. "Good thing I have Spain memorized."

Good thing, Mike, said an internal voice. And thank you for letting me know.

We played. I was shaking as I stood up for my solo. But somehow some part of my brain took over that made something really good come out of my flute. It was better than I'd ever practiced it, and my fingers did things that I'm pretty sure they can't do normally. When I sat down, another part of my brain took over that made me grin.

"Nice," whispred Mike to me.

"Thanks," I whispered back.

Damnit Mike, I wish I didn't value your opinion, said the internal voice.

Mr. Casto aknowledged me and I blushed and nodded. Then Dave and I and a bunch of other people stayed on stage while the concert band came on. Then Mr. Thomas made a speech about what a drum major is and announced the drum majors. The assistants are Craig, Nick, and Laura. The drum major is Sarah. Sarah stood up and grinned and looked really scary. Other people whispered and laughed unkindly.

I had pretty much guessed, looking at people's faces before the concert, that this was what had happened. I am not entirely happy about it. No one likes Sarah. She is not mature enough or charismatic enough to be any sort of leader. She is just nervous and zealous and frightening, and not even a very good musician. But I didn't end up caring as much as I thought I would. The band is strangely detatched from me now. Besides, when I'm honest with myself, I can't think of anyone who would have made a drastically better one. Laura, Nick and Craig are certainly better musicians who would command more respect, but they're not outgoing enough or not intense enough or haven't been in the band as long as Sarah.

Bonnie and I exchanged glances and shrugged.

"You sounded good, by the way," she said.

"Could you tell that I was shaking?"

"No, it just looked like you were bobbing."

"Oh. I was really nervous for some reason."

"You couldn't tell."

We played. I left the stage. I waited for compliments and then cringed when I got them. I am terrible at recieving compliments.

"Do you at least know why I didn't want to tell you?" said Eric in the band room.

"I'm not thrilled about it," I said.

"It could be worse," he said. "We could be juniors."

I didn't say anything.

"Well, I had my opinion. I gave Mr. Thomas my reccomendation. But nope. Sarah."

Eric reccomended Craig. He reccomended Craig because Craig is very similar to him. Thinking back it, that's basically why I was rooting for Laura.

"The role of drum major changes depending on who's drum major," I said. "She'll do okay. It'll be okay."

I sat around at home for a while, wallowing in a weird post-concert mood that leaned toward the bad kind of weird. I ate some food and thought and didn't sleep. I felt a faint but distinct twinge of dislike for Julian. I am not sure what it was about that conversation that made me dislike him, even while I was obsessing over him. He is outgoing now. Maybe that is it.

As always, my mother filmed the concert, and as always, I watched it several times the next day. B band was indeed terrible. My solo was indeed good. What really struck me though is that my stage presence is abysmal. I could tell looking at me that I did not want to be on that stage. Looking at me, I looked like a grumpy detestable person who is probably shunned by society. I disgusted me.

I don't know what was wrong with me. Usually I enjoy performing. I don't know what this was. Anyway, I'm focusing on it, and I'm focusing on my social failures, and I'm not focusing on my solo.