On the fence in 2016

11:32pm

I am so lost in this world I am currently living in. How do people do it all the time?

This whole dating and getting involved with people thing is complicated.

Currently I’m stuck somewhere between wanting to let it all go and wanting to drive out to that address he sent me to kiss his face. haha.

I’m such a sucker. =\

This morning I actually got online to look up the address he’d sent. The curiosity was killin’ me. As backstory: I think I’ve mentioned before that he lives in JR’s old place, which happens to be on the same property as some clients of ours. These clients also happen to be related to TF’s baby momma [or whatever you want to call her]. So it’s kinda complicated and weird. He’s still very involved with that family although I don’t really know the extent of all the relationships.

I looked it up though and the map pointed me to the middle of nowhere. I’d already kinda figured out that part, but there were no buildings nearby. I poked around the map to the nearest house and after some investigating it looks like maybe it was listed as the same address. I’m assuming this is the client’s property. The thing is that there aren’t any other buildings nearby. Like everything is contained on this one piece of property that runs off of one long driveway.

I’m not sure if he realizes that I know the people that live there, but how freaken weird would it be if they saw me? I knew he was on the property but everyone’s always described it as if you had to drive from one house to the other. From the house that I saw they would clearly know if someone was pulling up their drive. That kinda changes my idea of going out there to hang out. I mean if they can see me from their kitchen window it’s going to get a little awkward. I always figured I’d still be kinda hidden, or at least able to get away with not being watched.

It could be different. I don’t know for sure where his place is. But I definitely don’t want to drive out there all randomly and then knock on the wrong door! Imagine?!

After I finally got out of bed this morning I was standing around the kitchen drinking coffee and I mentioned it to mom. It just sorta came up and I blurted out that he’d sent me his address. Of course she was all like, “you should wait” and whatever else. She clearly wants to know more about him, but I told her that if I needed to know anything I’d figure it out on my own.

Later we’d gone out to dinner and I was texting my ‘cousin’ and she asked if they were going to make dinner for us. I asked who she was talking about since we were sitting at a restaurant and she mentioned ‘pork chops’ which is what TF tends to cook [and happens to be her favorite food]. I told her I wasn’t even talking to him. But I guess it came out more like, “I haven’t heard back from him.” She asked since when and I said yesterday and she said it must have been because I didn’t go out to his place. hah. Yeah. I’m going to guess that definitely has something to do with it. What did he expect though? Did he really think I’d just drive out there?

Actually earlier this afternoon before we’d gone out, I sent a text asking about a reply. I made a joke about how that had been a great text from me last night. I mean, it was pretty good and I’m just trying to be fun and lighthearted here. It’s not a big deal! I also asked him to be honest about whether or not he thought I’d given the impression that I’d actually drive to a random address in the middle of nowhere at night. I tried to make sure it came across as a joke, but maybe he’s not laughing. He certainly never responded.

Ugh. I really just wanted to hang out with him again before I went back to work full time. I know we could have fun together. Which kinda brings me back to the part about wanting to keep reaching out to him despite him clearly trying to pull away. I just want to see him.

There’s a big part of me that really wants to take this one day at a time. I want to enjoy every moment. I don’t want to have any regrets. I want to be happy now even if it does lead to tears later. Future me can worry about all that. I’d like to be able to enjoy the present the way that I’m always going on about. And in the present I’d like to be sitting in front of him, having a drink, staring into his eyes, and talking about whatever comes up.

The whole driving out to his place thing brought up a lot of comparisons to CK. I mean he lived on a ranch a stone’s throw from neighbors that we knew. I drove out there to hang out and drink beer. Etc. It was never a big deal. But he also never implied that he wanted to kiss me and that’s kinda having an impact on the current situation. Like I don’t know if TF would just come right out and try something, but with everything he’s said, I’m going to say it’s pretty safe to assume that he would. He definitely seems to crave the whole touch/affection thing. I can see why he’d want to walk away from someone that he doesn’t think he’d get that from.

But that’s what keeps me up on the fence. The fact that he’s never really given me a reason to believe he wants more than that. The fact that my brain automatically starts picturing the future and won’t shut up. The fact that we’ve had several “disagreements” and haven’t worked through them the way I’d like to. I can’t freaken figure him out and I don’t know enough about him to decide what’s going on between us. He won’t let me in and we haven’t spent enough time alone together. I wish he’d just freaken connect with me already and we could get this whole thing over with.

Typing this out hasn’t really helped me come to any conclusions but at least it’s somewhere other than stuck inside my head. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. All I know is that the countdown is on.

T-minus 7 days.

rose.
12:12am