silly signs in 2016

8:49pn

Oh the dramatic couple of days I’ve had. Who knew I’d be living this kind of life?
Not that I don’t enjoy a little drama, I can admit that. I like to feel things. Intensely and unequivocally.

So yesterday was interesting, to say the least. I won’t get into all the details, but let’s just say that that’s probably the most sober I’ve been on Christmas Eve in a long time. hah. I ended up being the designated driver even though I didn’t volunteer so that kinda put a damper on drinking this amazing 24 year old whiskey they had. I did get two glasses out of it though and it was delicious. =)

Sometime between my first drink [a brandy that our friend poured even though that’s not my drink] and my 1st glass of whiskey I sent TF a text wishing him a Merry Christmas eve and saying that it’s kinda silly but I miss talking to him all the time.

He said it wasn’t silly. I said that no it wasn’t if he felt the same, but if he didn’t then yeah it kinda is. He said, “You’re not sorry no matter how I feel.” Except he didn’t proofread and it came out “sony” and I asked what he meant. He said “sorry” and I asked what I was supposed to be sorry for and that of course I cared about his feelings.

About an hour later he sent a text that simply said, “Kisses” and that was it. So freaking weird that guy! I told him that he needed to tell me what I should be sorry for and “come on, don’t make me work so hard!” Then an hour later I sent another text, “TF?” and he never responded to that either.

It hurt my feelings, for sure. He’s always at least responded before. He’s never left me hanging quite like that. I kept going over the messages but tried really hard to push it from my mind as best I could. It probably would have helped if I’d had more of that whiskey. ha! It is what it is though.

After we’d gotten home I poured myself another drink and ended up watching midnight mass from St. Peter’s basilica. I started falling asleep some time after the homily. It was good though and we went to bed after it was over around 1:30am.

It’s interesting the way that a person can ask for a sign and then refuse to see it. I know that a lot of the stuff I was noticing at the beginning was certainly pointing in his direction. At the end here it was pointing the opposite way though. I could see it and I wanted to ignore it.

The truth is that I really did always want to just meet one person I felt that way about. I had this idea in my head that when I finally found someone who wanted me, that I wanted in return, it would be the end of the search. Perhaps the universe has different plans for me. Only time will tell.

I woke up this morning to a text from TF wishing me a Merry Christmas. I honestly did not expect that. And I tried not to let it hurt me any more to think that he completely ignored me yesterday while I tried to pour out my heart. I have no idea how he just picks up and starts fresh every morning. A part of me wanted to ask. I wanted to say a lot of things.

I know I take life too seriously. There’s no denying that. I just hate wasting people’s time. Including my own. But at some point I’d realized that being that serious with him wasn’t going to get me anywhere. It isn’t going to get my anywhere.

Everything changed when I switched us over to e-mail. I was trying to connect with him on a deeper level. Trying to share more words. I’m way better at e-mailing. I guess we weren’t quite ready for that kind of connection.

So I decided to take it back to where we were. Quick texts, little words, walls up, flirty connections, easy talk, aloof and uninterested. If that’s what he wants, that’s what I’ll give him.

I waited most of the day before I sent a text back. It was sometime after 1pm when I wished him a Merry Christmas in return. I’d contemplated not saying anything at all, but despite everything, I didn’t want to be a jerk. It is Christmas after all.

He wished me a Merry Christmas again almost immediately and said, “Hugs and kisses!” I responded, “None for you =]” [About as far from serious connection as you can take it…]
TF: “Lol, okokok”
Me: “maybe if you weren’t such a jerk, always leaving me hanging, I would have changed my mind by now =P”
TF: Jerk
Me. Aww, look at that! We do feel the same way about each other. ;)
Then 3 hours later he said, “Lol” and about 10 minutes after that sent me another text with an address, which I’m 99.9% sure is his.

And because I’m just in that kinda mood I said, “Oh sweetie, you’re so optimistic! You wish your Christmas turned out that way! Lol ;]”
That’s where it’s ended and I don’t even care. I didn’t even care that it took him so long to respond earlier. It’s like the switch has been flipped back. Back to where it was before when our responses were paced and it didn’t bother me to not find a response.

He can go back to chasing me. Because I’ve been saying for a long time that I would never chase another guy. Here I am though, practically begging him for attention. I did not want to end up like that. But I got wrapped up in it again. Even though I kept saying that I wouldn’t, I did. I just can’t seem to help myself when I start to look too far into the future.

I know I kept saying I was just going to “ride the wave” but at some point I started trying to lead that wave in the direction that I wanted instead of letting it take its course. That’s what I get for being a control freak.

I think this will be better for my sanity. Maybe it’s not the way I want it to go. Maybe it’s not the deep connection I crave. Maybe it’s not what I had in mind at all. But it seems to be where the world is trying to lead me.

At the very least it’ll be fun, and flirty, and I’ll get what I’m supposed to out of it. Just like I always do, even when it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.
I always get exactly what I need.

rose.
9:45pm