Confrontation and Things - 2/25/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

Well, Emma called.

She says that Molly and I have been disappointments to her as friends, because sheís been friends with us since sixth grade and when she was out of school we abandoned her. She says that her therapist told her she had to express her feelings to us because otherwise she would displace them.

This makes me feel several things.

It makes me feel like I should stop seeing Ann Whatsherface again, that I was wrong to go back. Because I hate the ìmy therapist told me I have to express my feelings because otherwise I will displace themî attitude. People think they can do anything because of their mental health, or because itís spiritually justified, or because of other shit like that. Thatís how people judge right and wrong now, and thatís not what right and wrong are. I sure as hell know it wasnít right for Emma to call me up out of the blue and tell me Iíd been a disappointment to her.

It makes me feel even more like I have no right to be angry at Molly and Dave. They havenít abandoned me. Theyíve actually put considerable effort into maintaining a relationship with me, the way we did with Emma. It would be immature of me to blame them for drifting apart from me, the way itís immature of Emma to blame us for drifting apart from her.

It makes me feel like maybe itís not always okay to tell the truth. It made me feel terribly guilty about the time I called up Julian and told him the truth, and forced drama into his life and got him all upset.

It makes me never want to form another friendship ever again.

It makes me angry at Emma. And I donít really like being angry at people. I donít really want to have to be angry at anyone.

I let her finish her speech, and then I calmly told her that I didnít think it was fair of her to blame us for it entirely, because we didnít call her, but she didnít call us either. I told her that the reason weíre not friends anymore is that we donít have the same interests, and that that just happens, and that it is no oneís fault, and that it is really nothing to be angry about. I reminded her of the time that Molly and I invited her to the movies, and she ran into some family friends and left with them without saying anything to us.

ìWell yeah, but thatís because you couldnít talk about anything but marching bandÖî

ìThatís because thatís all we do, Emma. Itís not our fault that we joined marching band. We didnít do anything wrong. We tried to include you in the conversation, but we do not have anything to talk about anymore.î

The conversation ended. I wish I had gotten more angry. I wish I had at least hung up angrily, or something.

I sort of sat in my room for a few minutes, being upset. Maybe if I had gotten angry I wouldnít have to be upset. I could be rightously indignant about how she had no right to do that. But I wasnít rightously indignant. I just kept thinking ìWhy is there all this drama? I never asked for all this drama.î

But then I reminded myself that I am the origin of my fair share of drama. I am not as much of an innocent bystander as I would like to think I am. I mean, the simple fact that I write my personal life down on the internet sets me up for a lot of drama.

Well, there is the official end to one friendship. The fact that I didnít call Molly to talk about it and she didnít call me might be the end to another one.

This is probably why I hate the phone. A good ninety percent of the unreasonably socially painful experiences in my life have taken place over the phone.

It has been twenty days since I've written. That is a long time. I thought I might leave, but now I'm thinking I might not. I will explain soon what else has been going on.