Christm-arse in Chunky giblets

TRIGGER WARNING I say “kike” a few times in this entry, but I’m Jewish so I have permission. So shut up.

Christmas (also known as: X-mas, Present Day, The Birthday of Jesus, Tree Appreciation Day and Capitalist Solstice) is a Christian holiday that was stolen from the Roman pagan holiday, Saturnalia, which was itself stolen from the viking Yule, and taken out of context at the expense of the workers in the United States. It is also used as an excuse to get drunk on eggnog as well as for fat men to dress up as Santa Claus and touch little kids and/or sneak into houses.

Now it’s a Jewish Capitalist conspiracy designed by officefags and Jews just so they can rip you off of your hard earned Jew Gold so they can fund their annual Cambodian brothel crawl and fuck 4 year old child prostitutes.
It is also an excuse to see family who you had forgotten about for the last 365 days. In Australia it’s just another excuse to get pissed, rape the cops and have old seedy pedophiles dress up as Santa Claus as an excuse to touch little kids. Christmas is also an excuse for your fat, redneck cousin to come over and get free beer.

According to The Bible, Santa Claus was born the son of a jewish child prostitute and abandoned in an enchanted forest called Burzee to be raised by elves who he eventually enslaved upon reaching adulthood like the greedy kike that he was. Santa eventually killed some old viking fag and stole his magic sleigh, using it to molest European children across the land every Christmas Eve night and giving them presents to keep their mouths shut. After generations of this, he ended up becoming the primary symbol of capitalism worldwide.

Fuck Christmas.

Christmas may or may not be one or more of the following:
a chance for Jews to feel left out and alienated because it’s not Hanukkah
a chance for Muslims to blow themselves and some innocent bystanders up.
a chance for Christian preachers to condemn nearly everything except giving more money to the church
a chance for Pagans to laugh because their tree worship ritual has been commercialized and spread across the land and then go to Hot Topic to buy more ceremonial daggers.
a chance for poor people to have their poverty shoved in their face
a chance for fat drunks to get a job playing Santa Claus
a chance for rich people to show off their inordinate wealth and power
a chance for greedy people to get more than they give
a chance for nice normal people to be forced to work overtime while their families are getting together and drinking eggnog and getting into fights at the dinner table
a chance for rabid atheist left-wingers to bitch about religious capitalism
a chance for emo’s and others who reek of epic fail to become an hero thus ruining the holiday for everyone you know forever.
Then again, Christmas may be a celebration of the birthday of Christ, even though the holy brat was clearly born in August (if you believe that kind of utter, utter bullshit, that is) Of course, this also involves giving money to preachers.

Last updated December 24, 2016