Not Enough in 2016

6:46pm

Today was kinda rough. I really didn’t expect it to be. It sucks that I’m feeling this way right before Christmas. Like I’m not even looking forward to tomorrow at all and it’s usually one of my favorite times of the year.

I know a lot of it has to do with TF, which makes it feel even sillier. [Is that a word?] It seems a little foolish to put such emphasis on one little thing and let it have such an impact on my life. I kinda hate that I let it do that.

This seems to be the pattern with me. Some guy shows some interest, I hesitate and take my time figuring things out, I reach a point where I’m interested and want to pursue something, and they disappear.

That’s what I get for being slow, huh? I guess the tortoise doesn’t always win the race…

Gosh, I’m feeling super emotional right now. I don’t even know what’s going on. It’s just like everything makes me want to cry and every little thought tugs at my heart. It’s been like that all day long. =|

After our little talk the other day, I didn’t hear anything from TF yesterday. I spent most of the evening talking myself out of sending him a message. I’d negotiated with my brain to just hold out and send something this morning.

I woke up around 7am, which was ridiculous. Not to mention I’ve been waking up around 4am every single day. The only good thing is that I don’t stay awake for long. The 7am wake-up was a little rough. I did not want to be up that early, especially when I didn’t have anything to be up ‘early’ for.

The motivation to drag myself out of bed was very low too. Around 8:30a I pulled out the laptop and started checking e-mails. By 9 I’d sent an e-mail to TF saying Good Morning.

When he hadn’t responded within the hour it kinda sent me into a downward spiral. It’s his fault for instilling the instant-response precedent. =( I can’t help but expect it.

By about 10:30 I’d finally rolled out of bed. I so did not want to get up. But I did and I went straight to take a shower. I knew we were going to be baking today so I wanted to try to enjoy that. No luck though. After I’d gotten out of the shower I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a cup of coffee, and found mom already working on the dough.

She was in a mood though. I think it has to do with last night. That my brother’s mad at her, and I told her about it yesterday, and also that my aunt said some stuff last night before dinner too. I tried to explain that I wasn’t defending either one of them. I said the same things to them as I did to her. I just like people to see the other side of things. But whatever. I have no idea why she was taking it out on me. We didn’t even fight. I was just the damn messenger. I guess they’re always the first to get shot.

So that definitely contributed to my spiral. It’s just hard to have a good day when everyone’s freaken ignoring you!

I did finally hear back from TF around 11am. He said good morning and asked how I was. I lied and said pretty great [being vulnerable around him isn’t really an option right now]. I also told him it was Christmas baking day and asked how he was. About 15 minutes later he said that he was good, he’d gone out hunting this morning and got drenched. Within about 10 minutes I responded that that sucked. I hadn’t noticed it raining. I asked if he’d at least gotten a pig and made a joke about how I thought he was supposed to be at work.

I didn’t get any response after that. Which yeah, you know that sent me even further down the hole I was already in. I just don’t get it.

What may, or may not, have made it worse is that by the afternoon I sent another e-mail asking about his brother and got one of those instant-responses.
See, the other day [a few weeks ago] we saw this couple walk up to our neighbor’s house. They were going to some kind of fancy party. The girl looked a lot like an old client of ours that’s married to TF’s brother. The guy didn’t quite look like the guy I remember but I never knew him very well. He did have similar features to TF though. Mom and I stared and stalked about as much as we could without being obvious [we were putting up more Christmas lights so we had that excuse.] but we never could determine who it was. The next day Mom talked to the neighbor and she mentioned they’d gone to a work party but she didn’t get any names out of her.

Then today we were also working on cleaning out the pantry because we got those stupid cardboard box bugs, so I was going in and out to the garbage cans. I’d also received a couple more packages so I was unboxing those and recycling them. I went out to dump another couple boxes when I saw this ford truck parked in the street halfway in front of our drive-way. It was raining and I didn’t want to stare at the truck so I just walked over to the cans and stood there tearing the box apart with my pocket knife [thanks to JR for that one too, it’s really come in handy this holiday season!]. I saw the guy get off the truck and walk to the front door, but he looked kinda old so I didn’t pay any mind. Then I was walking back into the house as he was walking back to his truck and suddenly I realized that he was a lot younger and holy cow he looked like TF’s brother! I watched him walk back and he glanced over at me a couple times but then I went inside the courtyard and watched him leave through the window. hah.

I was really curious to know if it was his brother so I just said f*ck it and sent a p.s. asking if he had a brother that drove a ford with a school sticker on the back. He immediately responded that he did.
And here I thought he disappeared, or was busy, or any other thing to explain why he’d never written back. Guess he just didn’t want to. =(

I responded saying that was interesting and that I thought he kinda looked like him and guessed I was right. He said, “You’re right!” I said that was nice, that I’d seen him outside of my house and was asking out of curiosity. He said that he worked for my neighbor’s company. I said ah, ok, that made even more sense now and thanked him for solving the mystery. He said, “you know it.” I went on to ask what he was up to and he said he was just chilling. I said that sounded nice. Then I got a weird message that said “what are you up to?” but came out blank when I clicked on it. I did some quick investigating trying to figure out what was going on. It didn’t make sense that the message was blank, but when you click to expand it it shows the message coming from him in response to mine. I just went ahead and responded with something about wrapping presents and sitting on the couch, and that it was a kinda quiet day.

That’s where it now sits, from almost two hours ago. Not that I’m surprised. Trying to talk to him felt a lot like trying to pull teeth without anesthesia.

I don’t get it. I just don’t freaken get it! How do you go from being so interested that you’re reaching out to me every day to making me drag even the simplest of words out of you?? He literally just said last Thursday that I was important to him.

That’s what kills me. The bullshit. Such freaken bullshit.
And despite knowing all that, I can’t let go. I’m still desperately trying to reconnect with him. For no reason that I can ever comprehend.

I just wanted the opportunity today to tell him that I’d like to hang out in person. I was going to make a joke about how if we had a difference in opinion we could just yell at each other and move on. I wanted to wish him a merry chirstmas tomorrow and tell him how silly it is that I miss talking to him like we used to.

What’s the point though? It’s not getting me anywhere. I’m just the girl who moves too slow. The girl who’s too conservative. I’m starting to sound needy and desperate. I hate it.

But I still can’t let go…

Come January it’ll for sure be over though so I guess I’ll just do whatever I feel like doing between now and then and not give a shit after that.

What a terrible feeling to live with though. I can feel it crushing my heart. I can feel my walls creeping back up. I can feel every cynical/bitter thought I’ve ever had being justified in this moment.

I just spent about 10 minutes contemplating all the possible comments I could make to him. I want to straight up tell him that I don’t understand how he goes from wanting to talk every day to barely responding to messages. I want to tell him that I know he’s busy, but two months ago he said I was worth making time for. I want to tell him that I feel stupid for having these thoughts. That’s it’s silly to be acting this way. That I feel dumb for clinging to the idea that we can go back to the way we were. That I wish he’d just cut me out instead of dragging me along.

He certainly could have let it die with that long message I sent him, but no he had to say we were still friends and give me some sick kind of hope. I don’t want the hope! I just want to cut and run. I want him to cut and run. If he’s worried about hurting my feelings, well it’s hurting more to feel like we could get back to good when I know we won’t. I wish he still felt something for me though. That he’d care that this is killing me.

Why did I jump back on this stupid roller coaster?!? I hate roller coasters!!

rose.
9:07pm