Music and Social Stupidity - 1/3/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

The day that I was out sick before vacation, Bonnie called me and asked if I was doing anything that night.

This caught me off guard. "Uh... Well... I guess I'm not doing anything..."

"Oh so... I take it you don't want to do anything..." Her voice is very quiet even when she does speak.

"Well no no, I mean... Hang on." I asked my parents if Bonnie could come over. They said no, I had been out sick that day.

"My parents said I can't do anything because I was out sick today."

"Oh," she said. "Okay."

"But I mean I'll... Call you later during the week I guess..."

"Alright, Bye."

"Bye."

When I hung up my heart was pounding. I was a little bit freaked out. I then tried to figure out why I was freaked out. Bonnie is my friend, and she wanted to hang out with me. Friends hang out. That should not be weird. But I guess that I don't hang out with too many people just for the sake of hanging out. To me, if you actually call someone up on the phone and ask to hang out, that is an admission that you're really close. Are Bonnie and I really close? I guess maybe. I guess I've been talking to her a lot since she's been my stand partener in things, and I guess if Bonnie talks to anyone a lot, that must mean she's pretty close to them. I guess it's weird to me to be close to anyone other than Molly and Dave. It's weird too because it snuck up on me. And... it's weirdest of all, I guess, that I can't stereotype her anymore for not talking. Because she does talk, and she's her own person with her own personality and her own experiences, and she's not defined by silence. I have to really get to know her now. It seems like when you're around people to a certain extent, you actually stop knowing who they are. Like how you can never really know who you are. This scares me.

I put off calling Bonnie for a long time. Then towards the end of the week Molly asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I said sure, and I invited Bonnie too. I asked her awkwardly, and she laughed.

"What?" I said.

"You just sound silly."

"How do I sound silly?"

"You just do. I'll see you then."

Sometimes I want to appologize to her and tell her that just because I'm not quiet doesn't mean I'm not shy.

Today I had my jazz band, followed, as always, by hanging out at my house with Dave, followed, as always, by A band. My jazz band didn't go so well. Laura Euphonium arranged a piece, so she's directing it. We worked on that piece today. She was flailing up there. It was painful. She just didn't move quickly enough and talked to softly and didn't keep control. The practice dragged. Everything was all tense too, because people wanted her to do well, and were trying to help her, but it wasn't working. The tension damn near exploded when Eric told her she wasn't conducting in three correctly. She was visibly angry. Molly said, "Not everyone has to conduct like a drum major, Eric," and some other people threw in comments, turning away from Laura to face Eric. I said, "So, let's take it at A again," and we pulled ourselves out of it and played. Outwardly, I'm always optimistic about my jazz band. So I said to Dave and to my parents that this was understandable - it was her first time doing this, ever, and she was getting better even by the end and she'll get better with more rehearsals, and besides, I want to pass the band on to someone when I graduate and it would be nice if this someone had experience with this kind of thing. And I do feel that way to some extent. But secretly, I'm cringing. Maybe I shouldn't have offered to let her conduct after all. What if Laura's directing today has had an effect on how people see the band in general? What if people decide to give up on me and quit? I depend ridiculously upon the people in my band. I'm lucky they decided to give up their time to support me in the first place, and I live in fear that they'll all quit.

At least it turns out that Speedy didn't quit. I'm not sure how he worked it out with ski team. I'm not asking questions.

I spent most of vacation arranging a song - "Toccata from Gillespiana." It took me fucking forever because my finale's broken, and I'm really excited about it, but it's pretty hard and I'm not positive it will work. I handed it out today. I'm praying that people will practice it before next week.

Not much to say about A band. Julian doesn't talk to me, still. He doesn't look at me too much. He's in a permanant band with Malcolm. I've learned from working with Malcolm that he can barely read music. So I'm assuming at this point that Julian's switch to him from me really was more socially motivated than musically motivated. I'm not sure whether this makes me feel better or worse.

At the same time though, he's become one of the most valuable members of my band, socially. He keeps the peace, and he makes good suggestions in nice ways, and he helps New Tuba Kid, with infinite patience and no disrespect. He helps hold the band together. I'm very grateful to him for this. And it is very charactaristically Julian. I've often wondered why he decided to be in my band in the first place. I think it's his way of being decent without having to be friendly.

Anyway, A band honestly isn't much fun when Julian isn't my friend. Also, I took an embarrassing improv solo in Spain. It was terrible. I really have to take a look at the changes. I really have to... Practice for jazz band sometimes. I haven't done that so much this year.