Christmas Entry #2 - 12/25/2006 in 2005 - 2007: High School

I haven't written in a while. I kept meaning to, but It's been a weird week. I kind of feel like I spent it all recovering from Thursday. It's surreal, knowing where I'm going to college in not too long. It changes things. For the better, I guess. But it also means that I'm even more detatched from the world I live in now. I guess we were starting to detatch already, but now I can actually think about the world I'm going to when I leave, in a very concrete way, and when Molly and Dave talk about the world they hope to go to, together, we know for sure it won't be the same one.

I hate that I can't be happy about anything.

I should be happy. It won't be worse, just different. I'll have friends there, just like I have friends here. I even know some people from the highschool who I know I'm going to college with now. A perky aquaintence I've had since middle school is going. We've had a making-fun-of-each-other-goodnaturedly relationship for years, and we generally like each other and I'm glad she's going. An overacheiver who I know vaguely is going to the engineering school. Jai is already there. I think he may have developed some social skills in the last six months. He came back to visit a few days ago, ran into me and gave me a pin with the name of the school on it, because he heard. It's weird - I almost think of Jai as having two seperate identities because of how I knew him in middle school and in highschool. In middle school, he was that amazing math genius kid, best on our math counts team and eighth in the state, and I looked up to him. In highschool he became that weird bad trumpet player with no personality, and also that kid is France who who spoke no French and seemed grumpy the whole time. Maybe at Graham I'll know him by a third identity. Or maybe I won't know him at all. Maybe I'll just pass him on campus once in a while and be unsure of whether or not to wave. The nature of the future is interesting - all the different possibilities that could add to the story in interesting ways. I've started thinking about the nature of the future a lot more since the college thing has become more real.

People keep congratulating me, on Graham and on my jazz band, and I keep saying, "Oh, thanks," unemotionally, because my emotions can't figure out what they're supposed to be doing. It has occured to me that most people at school probably see me as having very few emotions, among them argumentative and dorkily excited.

Anyway, here are some vaguely notable things that have happened this week past:

1. I realized that I am failing calculus. I freaked out about it, severely, in the middle of calculus, and ran away from class to go to my guidence councelor. He told me in a very nice, guidence-councelory way that I would probably not get kicked out of college even if I did fail, and that I probably won't even fail if I start doing the homework once in a while. Then I stopped freaking out and went back to class, and after class I appologized to my calculus teacher for disappearing and for doing absolutely nothing in his class, and also did a little bit of ranting about my insecurities. I actually said something about wanting to prove that I'm smart. I don't like the person I've been in math class for the past few years. Well, I guess I will start actually doing the homework.

2. We got a new piece in A band that I really like. "Harlem Nocturne." You should check it out. It is a Julian feature. Mr. Casto introduced it with, "This song is really easy for everyone except for Julian. So you can all relax a little bit. Except for Julian." Anyway, when I looked up the song on iTunes, the top album came up as "The Best of Burlesque." Yup. That's definately what it sounds like. We are playing burlesque music in jazz band. Julian is playing burlesque music in jazz band. This might be ironic.

3. My jazz band doesn't suck at 'Round Midnight anymore. This is exciting.

4. I have developed some sort of illness that makes me slightly woozy and tired all the time. I skipped school Friday because I felt too woozy to get out of bed and I wasn't going to be doing anything anyway. I think it might just be stress. I haven't been sleeping too well. I've been going to sleep early, but I'm all tense and tired when I wake up.

It is Chirstmas. Christmas was not that big of a deal. It never is anymore. I got an iPod to replace my old dead iPod. I feel like I should be excited about this, but I'm not. I kind of got used to listening to CDs. I'm fine with listening to CDs. I don't know whether not particularly wanting my new iPod makes me more or less of a spoiled rich suburban kid. I didn't get too much else. I got a pair of flats which I am enjoying maybe a little bit too much, and Little Miss Sunshine, and a flute stand, all from my Aunt Kathleen. My father laughed when I opened the flute stand. I don't know whether it was because there's not much to it and it doesn't seem like something you should have to buy, or because it is more than a little bit phallic. I guess it is kind of a silly thing for both of these reasons.

I lounged around all day, and then we went out for Chinese food with all the Jewish people, and now I'm here, feeling a little woozy.

Merry whatever. More later.