Conflict - 12/2/2006 in 2005 - 2007: High School

This morning when I first became conscious, I felt okay. Several seconds later, I remembered that I should be feeling awful for some reason. Then in another several seconds it came to me why. Then I felt awful.

I hate it when that happens.

Yesterday during my hour and a half lunch, Bonnie actually initiated a social event. She asked if we could hang out that night. This was so out of the ordinary that I couldn't refuse. So she and Molly and Dave and I hung out at my house. Molly came later than everyone else because she had a concert. Before she got there, I asked Dave if he'd talked to Julian yet about that Tri-M concert that's coming up. (There's a Tri-M concert coming up, apparantly.) He said that he did, and that Julian had said no because he "had a lot of stuff going on."

"So in other words," said Dave, "he's ditching us."

"Oh," I said. "Fuck."

"I hate that we can't hold a band together."

"I hate that we're in the freaking marching band, and we somehow can still only find one horn player who will play with us even sometimes."

"And no drummer."

"Man. I like having a band."

"Well, he is better than us."

"Well yeah, but I liked playing with him because he was better than us. He was so good. It was so nice. And... And Malcolm's not even that much better than me! And who are they using for a bassist, Stonerdrummer?"

"Yeah. Have you ever heard him play bass?"

"No!"

I was still sort of thinking about it after Molly got there, and when Dave was going through my ipod and put on the song that we played at the talent show, I said, "I'm still sad that I don't have a band."

"I'm not," said Molly. "Because now you can't talk about it incessantly. Like, I didn't see you guys play this because I was like, 'I don't want to see this band after hearing about it every day.'"

This made me angry. Because she wasn't joking. She was being serious. She was being nasty. It's not like she said anything to me about this while it was going on. She's just brought it up several times after the fact, unnecessarily, even though I feel bad about it. It was just... mean. I also know that most of the talking about the band that I did at the time was on Open Diary. This makes me want her to read this even less. I will talk about whatever the hell I want to in my diary. If she is going to criticize it, she does not have to read it.

After that, I just got annoyed with her in general. Because she really does say whatever she wants to about people at all times, without thinking about it first. All while being perky and touchy and emotional. She started to seem very selfish to me, very artificial. I kicked them out earlier than I would have normally.

And at night I cried. Because if I don't like her personality anymore, if I don't enjoy her company, is she even my friend? And if she's not my friend, I don't know what I have. Julian's not my friend anymore. Tom's not my friend anymore - I haven't talked to him in months, mostly because I now see him walk by the band room every single day during his lunch to go into the woods and smoke with his new friends. And if Molly's not my friend anymore, Dave's not either. If we ever had an open conflict, I don't even have to pretend to wonder who he would side with.

I remember when I used to worship her. In middle school, I considered myself lucky every time she wanted to hang out with me. She was perfect and magical. She was exactly who I wanted to be, and I had an almost religious faith in the fact that there was a connection between us - that we were very similar somewhere deep down and that therefor we would always understand each other, no matter what. Now I feel like we're not even very similar. I almost hope that we're not very similar.

So maybe I'll just lose all my friends before highschool finishes. Maybe that's the way it'll go. I guess I only have eight months left here. And I guess I still have Bonnie. And I'm getting closer to Bonnie. She now talks to me almost as much as a normal person. And I still have my bandies. There are now about fifteen people who congregate in my study on a regular basis. They seem to regard me as a sort of matriarch. T.K. actually asked me the other day if I could write him a pass.

"No I can't write you a pass, ask Mr. Thomas!"

"Well yeah but... He's busy."

"Well I mean, I guess I could write you a pass, it just wouldn't be valid."

I am probably overreacting. Normal people have conflicts. They get resolved.