personal business in 2016

12:25pm

Well, I’m sitting at work today.

There are probably about a million things I could be doing right now.
JR left a giant stack of receipts and other random paperwork last week. I spent about the entire afternoon last Wednesday sorting through it but there’s plenty left to do. I’m sure a lot of that stuff is old and won’t even count, but I still have to sort it. He sure does love to do things last minute. After I hassle him for months to get it in and threaten him with not doing it after January 1st!

It’s not as bad as it has been in the past, but it is pretty bad this year. I told him that he was regressing back to where he was a couple years ago when we first started. We were doing so well too! Up until the whole house debacle this last May. I can’t really watch his every move though. I just give him a hard time and insist that we need to get back to where we were. It would be easier for all of us! Either that or he needs to quit.

So, we spent the day shopping yesterday. We kinda decided last minute that we were going to go over to a friend’s house for Christmas and therefore needed to join the gift exchange. We got the names a few days ago but haven’t had a chance to go until yesterday. It worked out ok though. Spent about 50 bucks on each of them and got a few different items so it’s not just one thing to open and then be done. I like to put a little excitement into it. Even if only for my own pleasure. ;)

When we got home we decided to swing by the office to make a couple calls and print some paperwork that we needed for today. Mom wanted to call TF regarding the letter so I gave her the number and it sounds like it went straight to voicemail. She hung up right away and wrote down his house number [at least I don’t have that one memorized!]. I don’t think he gets signal on his cell at home so I figured he’d answer the house.

He didn’t answer though. There are obviously a variety of explanations for that. We all know my mind goes straight to “he saw the number and he didn’t want to answer”. It’s definitely possible he wasn’t in the house or he was busy. But what kind of logical person would think those were options? ha! =]

She didn’t leave a message because we weren’t going to be in the office for long. Then today we had to come in for a 10am meeting [so we got here a little after 9am] and she got busy right away. So when the guy went to lunch before noon I reminded her about TF and she called his cell phone. It rang forever and he never picked up. I heard her leave him a message asking him to call when he got a chance and left our office number.

The thing is that he usually picks up pretty quickly, even when he’s working. And when he doesn’t pick up, he tends to call back within the hour. [I guess maybe that was back when he was interested in talking to me…]

I’m going to go ahead and let my mind wander on this one because it helps get the thoughts out of my head. Better here in words than constantly rolling over in my brain.
I really wish there was a way for me to know what is going on in his head. Is he feeling weird about calling back here because I almost always answer the phone? Does he want to avoid it so that she won’t ask him to come in? Is he going to let our situation affect what we have going on at work? I don’t think that he would. He doesn’t seem like the type. And I remember at the beginning he said something about how there’s a difference between business and personal, which yeah of course there is.

I’m ok with acting like nothing happened and going back to where we were in terms of work. I told him there weren’t any hard feelings. That’s just how life goes, right? Even if we were still trying to figure things out, I wouldn’t bring it up at work. That’s not my style in general. Kinda why when he insisted we’d known each other for years I said that he didn’t know me at all. I’m definitely not the same person at work as I am when I’m not in the office. Nobody is.

That’s kinda why it sucks that he didn’t really take the time to get to know me. Maybe he did think he already knew what I was like. But it’s totally different. Sure, things with him seemed easier because we’d been around each other before. A couple times a year, or whatever. So when we went out on our “date” I didn’t even get nervous to be around him. It was cool and easy. All the moments that I thought should have made me nervous - ie: hanging on our own for the 1st time/holding his hand/etc - didn’t seem like a big deal. To the point where I felt weird that it wasn’t a big deal. haha. That’s just how it goes, right? But it doesn’t mean he knows me.

Every time the damn phone rings I keep hoping it’s him. How dumb is this whole thing? I don’t understand why he even bothered in the first place! I could have happily gone on forever just staring at him every time he came into the office. Never knowing he was even slightly interested. I could have spent the rest of my days watching him from afar.

But now? Now I have to live with this nagging feeling inside of me every day. The one that wishes we could just figure things out. The one that can’t let go of the feeling that there’s something more here. The one that makes me think about him in the middle of the night when I wake up. Or every time I see a stupid brown Chevy driving down the street.

I keep trying to focus on all the good instead of on the bs, but it’s hard. All these moments replay in my mind. The words he said that apparently meant nothing. And I wonder about that; how someone can say so many things without any real meaning behind them? I wish we could go over everything in person. I know he can’t be that fake. It’s impossible for him not to put even a little bit of truth behind his words. Unless he’s like a sociopath, which seems a little far-fetched.

I don’t know. [do I ever know?] I guess I’ll just sit around here and jump every time the phone rings even though I know it’s not going to be him. And I’ll sit with all the words floating in and out of my conscious throughout the day. No big deal.

Lucky me. Right?

Back to work now.

rose.
2:44pm

[p.s. Ok. I lied. I cannot concentrate for beans. :-| Too many thoughts on the brain, even after pouring out all these words… sigh]

Last updated December 21, 2016