On Cool - 11/16/2006 in 2005 - 2007: High School

I have not been this miserable in a while.

I have something really nasty. It makes me cough so much that my stomach muscles hurt. Sometimes I feel like I am coughing up my adam's apple. It gets stuck in my throat, and I get some sort of really painful muscle cramp there. But even then I can't stop coughing. I can't sleep at night but I'm exhausted all day. I still get nauseous in the morning. I try to go to school, but I can't. I've been missing a hell of a lot of school. And this week's Hell Week, and I haven't been able to make it though rehearsals. Tonight's opening night. I couldn't get out of bed this morning, and my mother, Mr. Thomas, and the principal of the school all say that I can't perform. I don't know whether I'll be able to do the other shows.

Well, I guess this cuts down on the number of flutes.

The show is Into the Woods. The music is dark and weird and beautiful. I've decided that Sondheim is going onto my list of heroes. There is one part of the score where he creates tention with the root note. Over the root chord. It should sound resolved, but it doesn't because of how the notes before it are set up. It's brilliant and I keep singing it over and over to myself. It goes through my head while I sleep. The whole show does, actually. It's driving me a little crazy.

A few days ago, I was up all night freaking out so badly that my mother wanted to take me to the emergency room. I was coughing a lot, so it sounded like I was really sick, but I was mostly just freaking out. It was partially general insomnia freaking out, but it was partially over Molly and Dave. That situation is beginning to hurt, a lot. I was a good sport for a long time, but I'm beginning to get the impression that this is something permanent, and that makes me sick to my stomach. They are applying to the same colleges. That kind of permanent. The kind where they might still be together at a time when they will no longer remember me enough to miss me. It is not funny anymore. I am ready for it to be over.

Yesterday they mentioned to me, because it came up in conversation, that they are going to see Reel Big Fish. They sort of jumped up and down, like, "We're going to see Reel Big Fish!" I sort of invited myself, knowing full well that maybe I shouldn't. I wasn't sure whether or not they were okay with it. Dave sort of looked awkward and said, "Oh. Well I mean, I only got two tickets, but they're still on sale, you can get one through ticketmaster."

Later I said to Molly, "I really would like to go to the concert," and she said, "Okay," which is sort of the way she treats me all the time now. She says the word okay a lot. Usually in about the same tone of voice. She also hugs me all the time. That is the way she treats me now.

I came home and freaked out again. They just told me that they were going to the Reel Big Fish concert. They didn't even ask me if I wanted to go too. They know I like Reel Big Fish! I fucking introduced Molly to Reel Big Fish! And they know I've never been to a concert like this before. Concerts like this are a big deal, and this might be the only chance I get to go to one in highschool, and they didn't even ask me if I wanted to go. They just told me, all excited, as if I would not also be all excited if I were going to the Reel Big Fish concert. But now I cannot go the Reel Big Fish concert, or at least not without being that pathetic obnoxious girl who does not realize when she is not being invited.

My mother came home and I told her, and she did not understand what the problem was. She said of course they couldn't invite me to do everything they do together. I told her that it was the nature of the thing they were doing that was upsetting me. I told her that I introduced Molly to Reel Big Fish, that they always used to say to me that we should all go to a ska concert some time, that Suburban Legends and Streetlight Manifesto were playing too and we all like all of those bands, and if they are going to go on a date, they should do something normal that I would not obviously really want to do. She still didn't understand. She said that there will be plenty of oppurtunity for me to go to rock concerts in college. She also said she didn't know whether she'd let me go anyway. Just because she does not like rock concerts.

If I can't manage to go to concerts in highschool though, I don't know what makes me think I'll be able to in college. I always blame things on my parents, but it's not about my parents. I am just not the kind of person to whom cool things happen. Sure, I wouldn't have been allowed to go to rock concerts before this point, but it's not like I've had the opportunity to go to one before this point. It's actually... not even like I have the opportunity to now. I guess I am just immature. I can't cook and I never drive, and I don't know how to find highways or use a bank, and I don't go to parties and I don't get any action and I don't smoke pot. Not because I don't want to, but because I am in the same league with Ivy's lackeys who decorate their binders and wear sweaters their grandmas made and come to school with a lunch in a lunchbox. I guess it is a little bit my parents' fault and a little bit my own. But mostly it does not matter whose fault it is. Mostly, I am just not one of those people. I do not do cool things. Cool things do not happen to me.

I freaked out again enough for my mother to say she wants me to go back to Ann Whatsherface. I guess this is not an entirely bad idea. I have been having emotional breakdowns at a rate of about two or three per week. But I still don't think I reallly believe in therepy. Or no, I believe in therepy, I just don't believe in our society's attitude towards it. I think that most people should be able to suck it up, figure it out, and form themselves the way they want to be without the help of anyone but maybe their friends. I think that people should appreciate setbacks and find beauty in sadness, and use bad things to make themselves stronger. But so far I haven't been able to do these things myself, so... Maybe I should go back. My mother thinks I'm going to kill myself. I'm not. Sometimes the thought enters my mind, but then I say to myself, "Oh shut up, you're not serious. You wouldn't do that." And I wouldn't. But maybe I should go back. I don't know.

I went to rehearsal yesterday after I freaked out, still feeling shaky and defeated. I went and sat in a corner and sort of talked to people, sort of. I said to Dave, "Look, seriously, do you care if I go to the concert?"

He said, "No, why would I care?" and looked like he seriously didn't understand why he would care. He looked sort of concerned too. "Noah's going. All of Captain Mojo's band is going."

Noah then proceeded to talk about how awesome it was going to be. And... Molly didn't talk to me all practice. She might have touched me.

I really want to go to this concert. I want it the way I used to want things that I thought would make me cool back when I was desperate and friendless in elementary school. This bothers me. Why should I want to go so badly? I can listen to Reel Big Fish or Suburban Legends or Streetlight Manifesto any time I want to on my computer, and I don't have to fight with my parents about it or go into Boston when I'm sick. There will probably be dancing and lots of people, and I don't like dancing or lots of people. It's not like I've never been to a concert before - I've been to jazz concerts, and they were probably better than this concert is going to be. So really, I can conclude that the only reason I want to do this is because all the cool kids go to rock concerts, and I want to be a cool kid. I shouldn't be like this. I should be like Bonnie and Julian. They are not cool, intentionally. They don't want to be cool. They want to be exactly who they are, and that makes them cool. People respect them for that. I don't think either of them knows how to cook or find highways or use a bank, and I know that they don't go to parties or get action or smoke pot. I wish I were like them, but I'm not. I am insecure, and when a lot of people are doing something, I feel like I am missing out on it.

It gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach to think that I am missing opening night. So I'm tryng not to think about it.

Maybe my life is deteriorating now so that I'll have nothing to miss when I go to college.