just around the bend in 2016

5:40pm

Today’s been a pretty decent day. I’ve definitely been trying to stay on the happier side of life. Focusing on all the good moments I have had and will continue to have. It helps. =)

The universe, on the other hand, decides to throw all kinds of curve balls all the time. This isn’t a very big one, but it still counts in my world.

So this whole thing happened with TF right? Have you heard? There’s only like a half dozen entries about it so far. ;)

I am still working my way through the processing of it all. Some times I laugh about it, and some times I cry. I certainly don’t feel like I, or we, got a fair shot. It doesn’t feel like it’s over either. At least not on my end. I can’t say anything for him. It sucks that we couldn’t just be friends for a while because I know we could connect and have fun hanging out. But whatever. Not my call.

Anyway, I’ve been home on my own all day today. I got up around 8am because mom was taking a friend to the doctor and she was going to set up packages of tamales to mail to my brother and the J gang in MT. I knew she’d need help with the addresses and what not.

So I got up and helped out with that. I had a nice cup of coffee. I did some exercises for my leg that’s swollen again [I blame the weather!]. I talked to my brother a couple times because he’s having weird brain fog issues [I hope he goes to the doctor soon!]. I did some online shopping because I am a terrible procrastinator and haven’t gotten any gifts for Mom yet. I ended up finding a couple random things online that would work. They should be here by the end of the week.

Then I got up to eat breakfast and went to take a shower. After that I did some baking. Two cookie recipes that were new. One was coconut chocolate chip and the other peanut butter, but I’m not really happy with either one. =(

I did more online shopping after that was over and found a few more things, including ones she’s mentioned so that was good. I just finished that order a little bit ago. They should also arrive by Thurs/Fri. Definitely cut it close, as per usual. At least I got it done, right?! =] That’s what counts!

Sometime during all that I went outside to get the mail. I was scanning it on the way in and I’d just gotten in to the courtyard when I saw a letter with TF’s name on it. It was one of those that comes c/o to my Mom.

Such crazy timing! Especially since we just got one a couple weeks ago. I didn’t open it, but it seems like things are moving fast in the direction of finally having everything cleared up. It’s pretty exciting news! [if that’s what it is. I’ll find out soon]

I guess this will be a test of the “we’re both adult enough to not let this affect our work situation” statement. I assume he’ll just avoid it. Mom will probably call and ask about it and he’ll find a way not to come in. If it is the same type of letter, he’ll get one too. Last time I think it was the exact same letter. No reason to bring it in in that case. And if there’s a check involved he can just take a picture and e-mail it to us at the office. I don’t imagine we’ll have any interaction over this.

Weird though. The way this happens.

Now, do I want him to have to come in? Yes. I think he should look me in the eye.
Obviously there’s that part of me that wants him to remember what it’s like to be in the same room as me and see he’s missing out. I figured if I saw him again I’d have that sad-you’re making the wrong decision-don’t walk away-look in my eye. But at this point I think I might just act like whatever. Smile and nod.

I don’t know. Why did this become so complicated?

Also, I was re-reading that message I sent [for like the hundredth time] and I can’t believe I said that stuff. Like whoa! Honesty! I haven’t been that forward/open with a guy in forever. Since like coffeeguy maybe. Although I guess he’s the last one I needed to be that honest with because he was coming on so strong. hah! How do I look him in the eye though? Yikes. Feels a little awkward to think about.

So, Mom got home and opened the mail. Turns out the letter was not like the previous one we’d received. This one was basically saying they were writing to inform him/them that the paperwork is taking a long time to process and they want to keep him updated. There’s no concrete information. It doesn’t say how much longer. He doesn’t have to do anything with it either so I’m going to assume that he won’t bother to mention it at all. Ah well. That’s just how it’s going to go.

I just reread our other e-mails, [because I’m a masochist?] which apparently only started 2 weeks ago? That seems like a lifetime ago. That last phone call feels like a lifetime ago!! It’s only been like 4 days. =| But he was definitely withdrawn and distant in those e-mails. The way he wasn’t responding when normally he’d respond to a message within minutes. He was letting things sit for hours, or days, and that is nothing like him at all. It’s no wonder everything went downhill.

The part that kills me though is that talking to him last Thursday was so good. [Until it wasn’t…] We’d been exchanging e-mails all day. Joking around. At some point I’d said “whatever you say” and he said to be careful or I might end up tied up at his house [it was a joke from the previous day that I’ll explain later]. Then he said he was kidding. He wouldn’t tie me up because then how would I do laundry and dishes. Ha. I asked how long he was planning to keep me around for that I’d have to do that stuff. His response? … Forever!
Who the eff says that to a girl?! Especially when the very same night you tell her you’re going to do your own thing. That’s what kills me. All the bulls*it talk!

Can you blame me for not wanting to get involved? For being hesitant? For cautiously approaching his every word and move?
Then guys like that wonder why a girl is jaded and cynical....

This is long and I’m rambling now. Mom just asked me to message him asking if he’d gotten the letter. I laughed and told her that we were on a break right now. She asked what happened and I laughed it off saying nothing. She thought we’d been texting this morning because she’s nosy and assumes things. I’d been texting my brother for his address to write on the package. hah. Silly lady. There’s only so much information I can give her. I don’t want her to look at him any differently so details are certainly out and I need to make it seem like it’s not a big deal.

Oh complications..

rose.
8:58pm