Bad Dreams, Take Two - 10/16/2006 in 2005 - 2007: High School

Last night I dreampt that I had sex with Dave. Twice. I dreampt it once, and then I woke up, and then I fell asleep and had a different dream where I did it again.

Wait, it gets worse.

First of all, this is the first time this has ever happened. I have never before had sex in a dream. I don't know why, but I haven't. I mean, I've had dreams of a sexual nature before, but I've never actually done... everything. And this was everything, for the first time.

Second of all, they were incredibly realistic. In the dreams, I kept saying to myself, "are you sure this isn't a dream?" and the answer always came back, "yup, this is real." When I woke up the first time, it took me a good thirty seconds to realize that I hadn't actually done it. During the second dream, I actually said something like, "this is weird, I just had a dream like this last night. But... it's real this time." I remember everything. Everything was very graphic, and things happened in perfect sequence. And I felt everything. I may have had an orgasm in my sleep. I am not sure.

This has been a problem as of late. The fact that I am attracted to him. Decidedly. Still. A few weeks ago, some band kids handed out flyers at open house, and we ended up hanging around on the sidewalk in front of the school for a few hours not doing much. At one point I was standing up on a bench, and as a joke, Dave picked me up. Like, lifted me right up and put me over his shoulder and held me there by the legs. And carried me around a little bit. I had to hold on to him. I had to, or I would fall. It turned me way the fuck on. Molly wasn't there. I think she still had mono.

It's not even like I'm in love with him. I'm really not, and that bothers me too. I just want him to touch me, like he touches her, even though there's nothing about him I find particularly awesome. The only reason I'm attracted to him is because I'm close to him. I keep asking myself what things would be like if I had asked him out after Adam broke up with me instead of fixating on Julian. Would I be happy? I don't think so. I think I would be annoyed. I would be annoyed by the obligation to "maintain a relationship," and I would be annoyed by all his mannerisms and I would be annoyed by him touching me all the time. And I would be decidedly not in love with him, because he is decidedly not perfect. He's not even close to perfect. He is weak.

They are both weak. Still. I still hate their relationship because it is clear that it exists because of their weakness. Dave is obviously devoted to her. But he proved with Kaylah that she could have been anyone. It's not about her, it's about his need to be devoted. Molly told me when they first started dating that she was firmly against PDA. Now she's changed her mind. She's changed, in general, to fit the relationship. They both got sucked into something that supports them like a crutch and makes them happy like a drug, and removes them, a little bit, from reality, and it has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with weakness.

I guess I can't blame them. I am exactly the same way. I want the exact same thing. I wish that I could have been the one to get all touchy and stupid and locked in a world of drugged-up cutesiness. I would take a relationship without love right now, as long as it had closeness and sex. I don't care. I don't care if it's real. I just need someone, because I'm lonely and I'm afraid of life in general. That's how I feel about this, really. I'm jealous. And not just jealous because I don't have it. Jealous because I don't think I can do it.

I can't do it. And I refused to do it even though I had the chance to for a pretty long time. So really, I deserve exactly what I got. But what I got is pretty sucky. It is a very large part of the reason that an air of misery and guilt and failure hangs over just about everything I do.

I am emo. The end.