postsecret in diary

Not sure why but postsecret made me want to come write today. I don’t know if I have secrets as much as I have things that I wish I could just vent on someone that would …I don’t know…understand? listen? not feel the need to give me advice? that would not wish I was not complaining again?
It is the 19th and my tree is not up, and my presents are not wrapped, and I still have (at least) 3 gifts left to buy, and I have $50 buck til the 21st at least.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I am glad I have my girls and the grandkids…but I feel personally lonely. It should not be my kids or grandkids job to keep me happy. It should be an equal exchange but it does not feel like that to me at this time. The grandkids should not even have half responsibility in the exchange…but they give so much more than I can give. I don’t mean money in those ones…I mean energy to even listen or visit let alone play and be on.
I have had the overwhelming thought to cyberstalk Matt…the cyber sort bf who promised to be more but never followed through so I ended it. Over a year ago. He sent me a random off phone facebook message last new years. Thats how long ago. We were never a match, he was wayyyy younger and did not give me the things he promised or the time he should have. Two christmas’s ago he was a mess and I more or less kept him sane over the phone in between family functions. I don’t know why he is coming up.
Jerry and I are playing ‘Iam not going to message you first’ ..been playing since halloween. I was the last one to message. In his defense with my surgeries and then no computer I probably owe him a few first messages. But ....it’s going nowhere ever…so what is the point.
I am feeling ..out here. There are no gatherings on december and no women’s group either. My ‘friend’ Lorrie who disappeared when my Dad died but reappeared when her Mom died seems to have found her footing and is no longer in need of me to vent on. Again I was the last person to make contact. Christmas may tell, because that is when I lost my Dad so if she learned anything about needing a support person when her Mom died that should be when she shows it. IF she were as decent of person as me.
What would I wish for for Christmas? I know it sounds ....scattered but physical and finacial comfort. Because I believe if I could go to therapy or massage or other relaxing things I thinkk it would help. That is why the finacial is in there. I don’t need to be rich, but just comfortable enough to be able to do these things for me and some things for my kids and grandkids. Like say ‘lets go to a movie my treat’. I think the financial would get me out the door more so I would not feel so lonely too. And of course the physical health is a must. I don’t have to run marathons but I do need to be able to sleep without fear of not waking up and I do need pain freeness and I do need comfort. I have a dr apt on tuesday. I don’t know how to make him understand I need answers and help. I am afraid now with the stuff going on. I hate even writting this stuff down in case the law of attraction kicks in worse. I can’t take much worse. On the bright side (that came because there were 2 very bleak vertigo days friday and saturday) I found a video on a accupressure point to help vertigo that seems to work. Touch wood.
Anyways here goes a positive law of attraction thing…I am wlling to have physical and finacial energy and comfort.