damn me and my golden heart. or maybe not. and london. and caffeine. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

ya know how people say someone has a heart of gold? yeah it’s like the golden heart thing.

alrite now this first part has nothing to do w/ anything. so i’m the kindof person who actually wants caffeine at times. i’m the only person i know who’s like that. like they put it in excedrin for a reason. like if i’m in pain i’ma want caffeine. i don’t believe in taking things in pill form and if i have soda no one has to know why. it’s not like ‘oh she’s having soda cause she’s in pain and we have to document that’ no. and chocolate also has caffeine in it. that’s another reason I drink is if I’m in pain. and no one has to document that either.

ok now moving on.

in London there were. quite a few homeless people. yes it was sad. i haven’t seen that many in aurora. and even if it’s a woman my mom will not talk to homeless people. I wanted to like say something but i was w/ my mom and also. i don’t know if that’s socially acceptable or not. although. there was this one guy who we’d passed a few times on our way to the store. and at least 1 of the nights he looked high. i don’t really trust homeless druggies cause i don’t know them. but the homeless people who are quiet i’ll talk to them. at my mom’s I’ll at least talk to them if they talk to me. i won’t ignore them and a reason is cause i’ve had 2 good friends who’ve been homeless. i’ll ignore salespeople but i won’t ignore homeless people. also homeless people aren’t clingy in my experience. and they seem more real. like in London I wanted to buy all the homeless people coffee. or a sandwich. or something. it’s like ‘here please eat. have some coffee’. i’ve only had random people do that for me twice. and that compassion meant a lot. but like nobody would talk to them. [well but people don’t talk in london so]. ya know if they’re in the subway stations playing their music then i don’t feel as bad. also the subway stations are warm. but i just.i love that city i relate to it. money’s the one thing i don’t mind giving away. i know a lot of people won’t bc of what the people use it for but that’s why i will. One person will say no and someone else will say yes. if a random person gave me money i might spend it on liquor. i’m a really private person so other than on here and fb most people don’t know about my drinking problem. and that’s my way of relating to people is by giving them money for that. [ ‘course if i want to do that then i could just go to a bar and drink. like i used to]. it’s a weird way of relating to people but it’s my way. and i don’t carry food around w/ me and i don’t have enough to buy them food.

i know buying them coffee or food once isn’t everything. it won’t er ‘fix’ everything. and neither will talking to them. but ya know? maybe i’m not trying to.