Until the end in 2016

7:04pm

Oh there is so much I want to say, but at the same time I am not sure what I actually want to type up. Like my headspace is all over the place right now. It’ll probably take several rambling entries before I sort through it all.

Part of it is that I’m jumping from one extreme to the other. From desperately wanting to connect with him to feeling an excitement to get back to my old way of life.

There is this idea that I have that he’ll come back eventually. It might just be a weird delusional hope I have to help me get through the next few days. I’m sure at some point I’ll come in here and update on just how delusional it actually is.

I went to church this afternoon. I think that was good for me. I needed to sit there and reflect for a while. A lot of this does have to do with my religious beliefs and values, so yeah. If I were [almost] any other girl in 2016 I would have been all over him already. Giving in to every desire either one of us may have. But I can’t, and won’t, do that and that’s certainly playing a role in this current situation.

There’s a part of me that does wish I could give in to the whole thing. It’s definitely not for lack of desire. I know I’d regret it in the long run. I want to connect with him on that deep, lasting, emotional level. Looks and initial desires are going to fade. It’s crazy, but I want it to last longer than that.

Which makes me feel a little like crazy obsessive girl that I would be thinking that far in advance. =|
The thing is that I have never had a connection like this before. I feel like I say that every time, but this really is different. In the sense that I’ve never felt this kind of attraction before. And I always sorta figured that if I did find it, I would only find it once. I can’t really imagine feeling this way about someone else.

That’s a big part of what I was reflecting on today. The notion that there could be more than one person that makes me feel this way. It’s unimaginable right now, but I guess it’s still possible. This is just so fresh.

We never even really got a chance to figure things out. He never gave me a chance to catch up to where he was. And I know that I don’t want a guy that doesn’t think I’m worth waiting for, or can’t have enough patience to let me reach the level that he’s at. The thing is that he doesn’t even realize that I could be exactly what he’s looking for. I can be aggressive. He just never gave me a reason to be. He never made me feel like he was serious about this.

I guess I just hate that I see things in a way that most people don’t, and I see what we could be and where this could go. I just don’t know how to make him see that. And I can’t ever ask him to change. I can’t ask him to live his life according to my values. That’s not fair.

Like I said, I’ve got a lot a more processing to do. Little by little I know I’ll work my way through this. I do know the lessons I’ve learned from him. I know that I’ve already benefited from our interactions. I’ve never felt this kind of confidence before. I will forever be grateful for that. But there’s so much more here. I know it. I can feel it. And I need to figure out where the world is leading me.

Little by little.

rose.
10:36pm