here we go again in 2016

5:43pm

I cannot believe the way I jinxed life yesterday! So crazy! I’d started writing all those things a mere 15 minutes before the phone call. Sitting here thinking life was good and about to spill on all the fun juicy details of the day.

HA! The universe shuts me down again. Life = 1. Rose = 0.

Let’s go ahead and say that life took a 360 spin instead of a 180. At this point it feels like we just went from 60 to 0 in a matter of seconds. I’m not sure when, or if, I’ll ever speak to him again. I assume he’ll still come into the office, but that’s going to be awkward as heck for me. My attraction isn’t just going to go away because we’re no longer working towards any kind of significant relationship. If I had things my way we still would be.

Here’s what happened at 12:23 this morning though:
Look, I know you’re not going to respond to this. It’s late, and honestly, I’m not sure I need a response. I’ve been wanting to say this to you in person, but clearly that’s not going to happen any time soon. I probably wouldn’t have the guts to do it anyway. At this point it doesn’t really matter because I’m not sure what you meant tonight but we all have our interpretations, right? You’re “going to do you” and we’re not compatible and it’ll never work out anyway.
So…you were right about one thing tonight. I’m definitely conservative. Try growing up in a strict traditional Catholic house and not turning out that way. You were making a lot of jokes, but they’re probably all true. I wasn’t kidding about old school values. I’m not going to sleep with you. I don’t know how long it’ll be before I convince myself it’s ok to kiss you. And yes, I thought the conversation about booty shorts was super awkward. We both know what you said that day and it came off as really bold and forward to me. What I said after that wasn’t just about the comments you made. It was a combination of things. Including the fact that I knew I couldn’t give you what you were after. [I was trying to cut losses and not get involved any further..] I’m not really that naive. I get it. I’m in the minority here. And I’m ok with that. I know exactly what I’m looking for in life and I don’t plan on ever settling. This has been fun. I like you and I had a really great time hanging out with you, even if it was only for a day. And it’s been a bit of a roller coaster too. Some of that was my fault, I’m sorry. I honestly never expected someone like you to be interested in the first place. I tried to ride the wave, but we all have our own ideas. No hard feelings. It is what it is. Life always works out the way it’s supposed to. I know we’re both adult enough to not let this affect our work situation. I’m sorry I couldn’t be who you were looking for. I tried. Sometimes that’s just not enough…I didn’t expect this to turn out this way, but you know me, I can’t help but be straightforward with you..

Of course he has not responded. I don’t expect him to. If he doesn’t respond to simple messages that are totally unimportant in the grande scheme of things; there’s no reason for him to respond to something I said I didn’t need a response for. I wish he would. I want to know what he’s thinking. Where he’s at in terms of what I said.

The truth is that he’d been pulling away all week. I felt it even though he never voiced it. So that conversation on the phone last night was just his excuse to walk away from it all.

He wanted me to be more “aggressive”. Well, there you go! He didn’t realize that my ‘aggressive’ equals straight-up facts and emotions, and connections. Not jumping his bones when he walks through the door.
It’s not that I haven’t thought about doing that. ;) Of course I have! He’s so attractive. Our chemistry is amazing. Or, it was that one day we spent together. I’ve never been more attracted to a guy in my entire life. But he’ll never know any of that. He won’t know that every time he said he wanted to kiss me my heart tingled and the butterflies exploded.

I just wish he hadn’t mentioned it so much. Like sure, he wanted to kiss me, but did he have to bring it up all the time?! The more he brought it up, the more anxiety it gave me. All else being the same I would have been excited to go over to his place to hang out, but because he constantly mentioned it and I know he was going to try it, it freaked me out.

Ah well. It is what it is, right? That’s life for ya.

I’m going to reflect on this at some point. And I will actually go back and put in all the updates I meant to put in yesterday. I want to keep it all somewhere. I want to remember what I was feeling in all those moments. The situation’s obviously changed now, but those feelings haven’t.

I was ok this morning. I woke up sometime around 3am and wondered if he was up and thinking about me. Then I was asleep and back up around 6:20am. I hovered somewhere between quick sleeps and reflecting on everything that happened. By the time the sun had come up and lit the room I was feeling an immense relief. Like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I think that was mostly due to the fact that I finally made the confession and said the things I wanted to say. Or most of it anyway. It certainly was not the speech I’d practiced for so many weeks. And I didn’t get to say it in person like I really wanted to. But I was lying there last night, listening to music, and trying to find the right words to say. I knew he wasn’t going to respond to the “what the heck happened” comment and I was not willing to wait to tell him how I felt. With the way things ended on the phone call, I might not have been given another chance. We all know the longer things sit the harder it is to bring it up again.

So I sat there contemplating the whole thing. What I wanted to say. How I wanted to say it. And I did a lot of praying in those moments. I wanted a sign. I needed to know that I was doing what was right. Mostly because I knew that if I sent that message it probably meant the end of things. I wouldn’t get another chance to say what I wanted to say. It felt like I didn’t really have another option.

Anyway, the sun was shinning amongst the clouds and I saw 4 separate rainbows this morning. Mom’s appointment was quick. I bought vodka. I wore an outfit that I was weirdly saving for a 2nd date with TF. I was happy and feeling really great. I realized that I was feeling like myself again. I haven’t been feeling very grateful lately forgetting to thank the world on a daily basis. And I thought about the fact that being so consumed by this entire TF thing was exhausting. The will he or won’t he invite me over. The does he or doesn’t he like me. The need to make the confession. The wondering if he’d stay. It was all so exhausting. So it’s no wonder I woke up feeling relief.

But then we were at lunch and the outside world got quiet. I let myself reflect on the words he’s said. That’s when I start to feel terrible again. Everything’s ok until I remember the moments/words/actions/inaction. That’s when I get sad, and I start to feel that depression that crept up on me last month when I thought we were done. But I will not let that get to me this time.

Yes, I will be sad about this. It’s gonna kill me for a while. But I’ll find a way to move on.

I’d like to know what he’s feeling, but I know that’s not possible. Maybe he’s feeling his own sense of relief today knowing he’s found a way to get away from this crazy conservative girl.

[I may or may not have just spent like the last half hour cyber stalking the guy and his family. hah. His family tends to post the pics that lead me over to their pages. Don’t hold it against me..]

Ok. I guess with all this going on I’ll probably have new topics to talk about from now on. Or whatever.

I need to get back to a place where I’m happy with life. Where I don’t spend every extra minute contemplating someone else’s feelings. I like being single. I have always liked being single. Maybe there was a split second there where I thought about giving that up, but I wasn’t looking for anyone right now. I was finally in a place where I was happy and enjoying life. Why that suddenly changed for me, I have no idea, but I’ll learn its lesson over time.

rose.
10:35pm