PizzaGate in Chunky giblets

TRIGGER WARNING The following is satirical. Get buttmad if you must but leave me out of it.

Are you schizophrenic? Would you like to be? Is Infowars or Alex Jones too mainstream for you? Do you think David Icke is a fucking amateur? Are you bored with creepypasta from /x/? Do you like reading walls of text with no discernible point? Has it been a while since you needed eye bleach? Do you watch Stanley Kubrick movies to count all the triangles? Read on! Pizzagate is either a paranoid fever dream from /pol/ conspiratards with over 9,000 threads about pizza seasoning packets, or a disturbing peek behind the curtain of the global pedo ring at the highest levels of government in every country, that everyone kind of suspects already but doesn’t want to say out loud, lest they wake up to a suicide note on their chest and bullet-hole in the back of their head. Why not both? Much easier to just blame the Catholic Church for being chock full of pedos, and not secular governments too because muh fedora.

At a quick glance, Comet Ping Pong looks like an ordinary casual pizzeria located in America’s cesspool of Washington, D.C. However, that is merely a front, for as we learned from WikiLeaks, the place is a nest of child-trafficking, led by noted spirit-cooker John Podesta, the guy who told all those crying liberals under that glass ceiling to go home after Hillary lost. However, on November 21, 2016, The New York Times said “this pizzeria is not a child-trafficking site,” so there. Comet Ping Pong is just a fun “all ages” venue, where the owner just happens to use #chickenlovers on social media, and where the bathrooms just happen to be covered in nude murals, and where reviewers just happen to make jokes about “children banging on the walls pleading for help”, and Tony Podesta just happens to love going there, and Tony just happens to be friends with verified child-abuser and former politician Dennis Hastert, and Tony’s brother John just happens to be a guy that former pizza delivery driver but currently dead Andrew Breitbart said covers up underage sex slavery. Brb, I see some black helicopters outside. IF I DIE IT WAS NOT A SUICIDE !!!!!!!1111
Protip: Some argue that Wikileaks has been compromised since not long after Pedosta emails were leaked around October 7, 2016. Some believe that Julian Assange is fucking dead, after Pamela Anderson gave Assange a vegan sandwich infected with seven different heirloom strains of Hepatitis C that date back to Tommy Lee’s time in Motley Crue. Protip: Pamela Anderson attended the 2011 MOCA Gala, An Artist’s Life Manifesto, directed by Marina “Spirit Cooking” Abramovic where degenerate Hollywood liberals ate corpse cakes. Oh, and on October 20, 2016 all the mods on /r/wikileaks and /r/dncleaks on Le Reddit were replaced with Stepford Wives. Oh, and two days before the 2016 Presidential Election, Wikileaks was taken down by a yuge DDOS. Happy Interwebbing!
FYI, Snopes has already debunked Pizzagate so don’t even try looking into it. Oh, NEVERMIND. Some guy with a gun tried to do just that.

Old media who needed to lurk moar defined Pizzagate as the conspiracy theory “that Clinton and her campaign chief were operating a child sex ring in the restaurant’s back room.” Pushing that Straw Man over let old media ignore the weird shit posted by jimmycomet and his pals on Instagram and the bizarre Podesta emails, as if Pizzagate was only about Comet Ping Pong. Case closed! Old media doesn’t think Pizzagate is a scandal like Watergate, they think it is equivalent to Slenderman.

Remember how Hillary Clinton’s senior thesis was about Saul Alinsky? Remember how Barack Obama taught Saul Alinsky’s ideas about power analysis to students in Chicago? Remember how Saul Alinsky learned his shit from Al Capone’s number two guy Frank Nitti? Remember how in his 1971 book Rules for Radicals that Saul Alinsky described Lucifer as “the first radical known to man”? Remember how registered sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, owner of the “Lolita Express” private jet that Bill Clinton flew on twenty-six times, invited elites to his private island of Little St. James, and how his “Orgy Island” had videocameras to record everything, and how his island has a weird Moloch temple on it that looks like a mosque with a gold dome and an owl statue? No? Remember how Jeffrey Epstein’s little black book had 21 different phone numbers for Bill Clinton and his assistants? Remember how Jeffrey Epstein sent Bill Clinton $3.5 million from a Swiss bank account? First time hearing of that? Basically, videotaping sick fucks allows for rule by blackmail. Think Skull and Bones, you know, the movie that got Paul Walker killed thirteen years later. Huh. Thirteen. That’s weird…

Some argue John Podesta was paid to lobby for Vladimir Plahotniuc, an alleged Moldovan sex trafficker, since the Podesta Group got $600,000 from the Democratic Party of Moldova, whose chief financial backer is Vladimir Plahotniuc, who has reportedly recruited girls for sex slavery.

Last Thursday, Wikileaks dumped a bunch of emails by Hillary’s campaign chairman and former counselor to Barack Obama and Bill Clinton’s former chief of staff John Pedosta, either after some dumbfuck at the DNC told John Pedosta to respond to a phishing email by “resetting his Gmail password” (giving his password away to not The Google), or after Putin’s own Fancy Bear hax0r group wrote said phishing email, or it was Anonymous or some shit. BTW, that’s called “social engineering” according to hack-the-planet Unixbeards at DEFCON. Hey, has anyone seen Seth Rich lately?
Anyway, in a bunch of Pedosta emails, people were talking weirdly about pizza and hot dogs and walnuts and handkerchiefs. Homosexual pedophiles and /b/tards familiar with the term “cheese pizza” immediately realized what the emails really meant, and began unpacking their box of thumbtacks and string to put up on their conspiracy corkboard, like in that movie with Max Max and Jean Luc Picard, who is friends with twink sodomizer Bryan Singer. Do you think Frodo might be on to something? Is now a bad time to mention that Problem Child 3 star and Bitcoin Foundation Director Brock Pierce was accused of sexually abusing three young actors in 2000, and is supposedly a ringleader of Pedowood “after parties”, and just happens to be a member of the Clinton Global Initiative?

According to /r/pizzagate, which supposedly had over 25,000 subscribers, and which Le Reddit banned as a “witch hunt” (ironic, since John Pedosta practices witchcraft), that now-censored subreddit was for “discussing and investigating the international human trafficking ring/child sex trafficking ring/pedo-ring that was uncovered by the leaked Podesta/DNC emails dumped by Wikileaks.” Obviously, the censorship of the subreddit was seen as proof they were onto something. Oh, and people on /r/The_Donald accused Reddit CEO and /r/Cannibals moderator Steve “spez” Huffman of being a cannibal. Later on, spez announced a crackdown on /r/The_Donald, which probably involved banhammers or some shit.

Reddit CEO spez was caught editing comments by users, which now puts every comment on Reddit into question. Later on spez had Troll’s Remorse and said he was sorry and wanted Le Reddit to trust him again. Angry investigators noted how /r/pizzagate was deleted after six weeks, but how loathsome subreddits were left up for six years.

Media Matters for America is a tax-exempt nonprofit and progressive media “watchdog” founded in 2004 in DC by David Brock and backed by George Soros. John Pedosta, who was previously Bill Clinton’s chief of staff, provided office space for Media Matters in its early days, and Hillary Clinton advised them in its early days. Media Matters “helped lay the groundwork” for Hillary’s presidential campaign in 2016 according to the New York Times. Before David Brock was homo for Jimmy Comet, he was homo for William Grey for 10 years. After GreyBrock brokeup, Grey supposedly contacted Brock three times, trying to blackmail Brock for $850,000 or he would “embarrass him to his donors” and report him to the IRS. What exactly could William Grey have on David Brock or Jimmy Comet that would embarrass his donors? Hmm.

After gunshots woke up old media to Pizzagate, Media Matters got a new president and focused their attention away from Fox News to Breitbart, the alt-right, conspiracy theories and fake news like The Onion, The Daily Show, Weekend Update, and Norm Macdonald, a very notable fake news reporter in his day, spreading such fake news stories as Jacko was a homosexual pedophile, and OJ was a murderer.
Sources say David Brock wants moniez to make the Breitbart of the left, also known as Huffington Post. Protip: Huffington Post was created in part by the currently dead Andrew Breitbart, who was a researcher for his close friend Arianna Huffington.

According to pizzagate theorists, Comet Ping Pong Pizza in DC is located near one of the points of an upside-down Star of Baphomet. Nearby, Besta Pizza aka Uptown Pizza is supposedly owned by Andrew Kline. Some pizzagate truthers think that is the same Andrew Kline who was in the Human Trafficking Prosecution Unit of the Department of Justice, appointed by Lolita Express-frequent-flier Bill Clinton. Pizzagate theorists say Besta Pizza’s logo contained some kind of triangle-swirling-in symbol which the FBI supposedly says refers to “boy lover”, and Besta Pizza supposedly changed their logo soon after. And something about a photo of Barack Obama playing ping pong with some kid or something, posted on jimmycomet’s Instagram.

On February 9, 2016, John Podesta emailed gay lobbyist Steve Elmendorf and wrote “Didn’t think wet works meant pool parties at the Vineyard.” Protip: Wetwork or wetworks is slang for assassination. Elmendorf wrote “I am all in. Sounds like it will be a bad nite , we all need to buckle up and double down.” What was all that about? Anyway, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died on February 12 or 13 at Cibolo Creek Ranch, which reportedly has a pool and a vineyard. US marshals usually provided security for Scalia, but he declined them for the trip. Ranch owner John Poindexter said “We discovered the judge in bed, a pillow over his head.” The Donald said “It’s a horrible topic but they say they found the pillow on his face, which is a pretty unusual place to find a pillow.” Later Poindexter said the pillow was “above” his head, “not over his face.” The Washington Post said Scalia’s breathing machine was found unplugged. Huh. County judge Cinderela Guevara determined over the phone that Scalia died of natural causes after law enforcement told her “there were no signs of foul play.” No autopsy was performed. On February 13, 2016 Chris Stone of Open Society Foundations which was founded by George Soros wrote “Remember our discussion of Wallace Jefferson, Chief Justice in Texas?” and John Podesta wrote “Yup.” They seemed so broken up about it…

Did you ever notice how the Pedosta brothers look just like the guys suspected in the abduction of Madeleine McCann in Portugal on May 3, 2007? Nothing to see here folks, move along. Fun Fact: That suspect photo on TOW was uploaded by SlimVirgin. Some pizzagate truthers believe the Podesta brothers were staying with Clement “Clem” Freud in Portugal the day McCann vanished.
Only seven years later, on July 2, 2014 Mae Pedosta emailed John Pedosta and said she’d be “to Portugal on Friday”, meaning July 4. I think what this means is clear.
Did you know that George Soros and Madeleine McCann both have a rare eye condition that affects 1 in 10,000 people known as coloboma where the pupil looks like it’s bleeding black into the iris?

On December 4, 2016 at around 3PM, an Alex Jones fan from North Carolina who had an assault rifle but not a Bill Clinton RAPE shirt, drove to DC to investigate Comet Ping Pong himself, since the old media doesn’t seem to care about potential child sex abuse. Alex Jones has said he needs to be covering Pizzagate even more. The gunman reportedly went straight for the back room and reportedly fired his gun into the air or some shit. The gunman wasn’t the first to visit Comet Ping Pong however, as other people have tried going there before to record videos. The shooting where nobody was harmed led Pizzagate to blow up more IRL.
Pizzagate truthers were highly suspicious, saying that a nearby traffic camera was disabled before the shooting, noting that the gunman was an actor with IMDB credits with a recent criminal record, and saying that stories about the shooting were published before it even happened. They also said the shooter had lived in Haiti, and his father had worked for an organization to prevent the abduction of children. Now where have I heard about people abducting children from Haiti before? Seems familiar… Channers had also predicted there would be a false flag before the shooting happened. Look everybody, Jimmy “#chickenlovers” Comet is a victim now!
Remember the time in January 2016 that The Washington Post wrote that DC has a serious sex-trafficking problem? Remember the time that DC police department employee Linwood Barnhill resigned after he was arrested in December 2013 for pimping two minors and was sentenced to seven years in jail? Wow, someone who worked for the DC police department was also a pimping children. That’s weird. Nothing gets by those gumshoes! When the DC police department says #pizzagate is a “fictitious conspiracy theory”, now there’s a reliable source when it comes to sex trafficking! Remember the time The Washington Post said “Let’s help the president and the prosecutors: Human trafficking is in our region, in the nation’s capital, in your ward, on your block. Open your eyes. Don’t look abroad. Look down the street.” Well disregard that. Case closed. Carry on!
Days after gunshots brought worldwide attention to Comet Ping Pong, The Donald flew to North Carolina to thank the state that produced the shooter.

Obviously, the old media looked more into the shooter than any actual claims about Pizzagate. #Pizzagate also increased on Twatter. The DC Police Department, who seemed to be unaware of call boys taking a midnight tour of the White House in 1988 with Craig Spence who may have been involved in some possible CIA sexual blackmail operation, and who seemed unaware of the Lawrence E. King child prostitution scandal, and who seemed unaware of Jeff Gannon, and who did nothing about Dennis Hastert for years, solved the case in record time and immediately called Pizzagate a “fictitious online conspiracy theory.” Protip: Media Matters has written stories about male prostitute Jeff Gannon. And in 1989 the Washington Times said a school was used as a base for a sex ring run by a congressman. So the idea that a pizza place could be involved in a DC sex ring is crazy. Comet Ping Pong isn’t a school wtf.
BTW, Gary Caradori was an independent researcher hired to investigate the Franklin child prostitution ring where witnesses “described being flown around the country as underage prostitutes and attending grotesquely sadistic paedophiliac orgies.” GQ magazine, the same magazine that called James Alefantis one of the fifty most powerful people in DC, called Gary Caradori a “delusional investigator.” Caradori supposedly died mysteriously while investigating the Franklin Scandal which involved Lawrence E. King, and a homosexual prostitution ring whose clients supposedly included “key officials of the Reagan and Bush administrations, military officers, congressional aides and U.S. and foreign businessmen with close ties to Washington’s political elite” according to The Washington Times. Some argue the FBI set Caradori up the bomb.
The lone gunman did manage to get old media to discuss Pizzagate, with multiple outlets who had said Trump would surely lose like CNN and NBC and MSNBC and NYTimes dismissing it as a conspiracy theory and “fake news.” The BBC called it a “bizarre fake US election story”, and CBS News called it a “fake online news report.” There was also coverage by The Washington Post, Daily Beast, and The New Yorker. The Daily Caller said “Leave Comet Ping Pong Alone”, much like Chris “Leave Britney Alone” Crocker who James Alefantis has produced a documentary on. How fitting. Vox wrote a story saying “How Pizzagate went from the musings of 4chan trolls to the cause for a gunman at Comet Ping Pong.” Yes, because 4chan trolls wrote all those Podesta emails that Wikileaks released. Doesn’t everyone have a handkerchief with a pizza-related map on it? Pizzagate truthers suggest the artwork of supposed Satanic Ritual Abuse survivor Kim Noble may explain what exactly a handkerchief with a pizza-related map on it is. Some argue it’s like a napkin covered in rape blood kept as a Satanic memento.
On Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN, a panel with David Chalian, David Gregory, Matt Lewis, and Monica Langley discussed the shooting, saying it was based on “fake news”, and the discussion quickly devolved into a Spiderman thread where they all laughed. The unbiased Monica Langley said Comet Ping Pong has some of the best pizza in DC, and she “can see why they put in Podesta.” Huh. The shooting was the lead story on The Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell, saying “fake news is now on the verge of getting someone killed.” It was just like after Omar Mateen slaughtered all those homos at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, and the old media said the Quran was on the verge of getting someone killed.
Obviously, the shooting was blamed on Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, tapped to be God-Emperor Trump’s national security adviser, since Flynn had tweeted a story only a month before the shooting on November 2 about Hillary emails and sex crimes with children. Flynn’s son @mflynnJR was also blamed for the shooting, and CNN’s Jake Tapper supposedly got into some DM war with Michael Flynn’s son, who Trump fired from the transition team. Some argue Jake Tapper’s wife loves Comet Ping Pong. In October 2016, Chris Cuomo on CNN said it’s illegal to view emails released by Wikileaks. Nothing to see here folks! That fag Milo also rode on some coattails and supposedly gave a speech about Pizzagate and Democrats and pedophilia NOT YET. Pizzagate truthers also noted how Salon and the New York Times and Washington Post and BBC “have all published stories trying to normalize pedophilia.” And that New York Times CEO Mark Thompson covered up for pedos when he was at the BBC.

James Alefantis himself was interviewed after the shooting, and the media put up the photo of the little girl with her arms taped to the table. Just kidding. Actually, the media put up the photo of jimmycomet using #murder. In fact, the media asked James Alefantis if jimmycomet was his Instagram account and he said it wasn’t. Really though, the media asked James Alefantis why he had a statue of Antinous, linked with pederasty, as his profile picture on Instagram. But really though, Jimmy Comet said “promoting false and reckless conspiracy theories do come with consequences.” Naturally, the old media didn’t ask Jimmy Comet about his Instagram account, or the “entertainment” that has been at Comet Ping Pong, or address any claim made by Pizzagate theorists. Obviously, the old media pretended like Wikileaks doesn’t exist, when before the election it was all about Putin trying to steal the election.
As anyone can see, these myths about the Podesta brothers and John Podesta’s “hot dog stand” in Hawaii and the brothers’ relationship with child abuser Dennis Hastert have clearly been busted. Pizzagate is over now. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.

Democrats blamed Charles Delevan or Sara Latham or John Podesta for being fooled by the phishing email. Just kidding. Actually, they blamed The Google for not cybersquatting googlemail.com. No, that didn’t happen either. They blamed Russia, the country, as if every person in Russia speaks for Russia as a whole. What’s that called when people take the actions of an individual and blame an entire group for it? Oh yeah, bigotry, that thing liberals claim to be against.
Before the election, President Obama scoffed at the idea that an election could be stolen, as did Queen Hillary. Rigging an election? Insane. Hacking an election? Okay sure. Democrats were also alarmed by the idea that The Donald would not accept the results of the election. Oh the irony. Before The Donald won, people wrote articles saying Trump was “inciting a constitutional crisis” by refusing to accept the results of the election. Keith Olbermann called Trump’s “wait-and-see” approach to election results “the moral equivalent of treason.” Naturally, the old media accused the losing Hillary camp of treason for refusing to accept the results of a democratically held election in America and trying to spread FUD about Putin among electors in the electoral college, with John Podesta insisting the electors get intelligence briefings from the CIA, which has no history of interfering with elections. Democrats also insisted the 538 electors get shown the suspect photos in the McCann case.
Suddenly hax were big news in December, when the Podesta emails were leaked in early October back when Julian Assange was alive. Stories of Russian hackers were reported at least as far back as October 28 by CBS News, based on another claim on Motherboard talking about Fancy Bear using Bitly. Good thing some guy invented URL shorteners! Democrats also blamed Twitter for promoting the use of URL shorteners. Wait, that didn’t happen either. BTW, how many hicks voted for Trump based on Wikileaks? Are rednecks known to be tech-savvy? How many blacks failed to vote for Hillary based on Wikileaks and not the fact that she’s not black? BTW, Alicia Garza, one of the founders of Black Lives Matter said the Clintons use black people for votes. It’s also Russia’s fault for the low Democrat turnout. The butthurt blame game of crying liberals continues! No surprise, since Hillary Clinton spent $1.2 billion to make The Donald president. That can buy a lot of pizza and hot dogs and trips to Orgy Island!
After Pizzagate became a trending topic on Twatter, the mainstream media spammed “Fake News” at everyone. When that didn’t work, they said Russians Hacked The Election to avoid talking about Pizzagate. Talking about Russian hax0rz is a roundabout way of alluding to Pizzagate and the Podesta emails, without having to actually show screenshots of Jimmy Comet saying “#chickenlovers”, without having to show that Tony Podesta has had sick fuck artwork of two girls drowning in a swamp by Biljana Djurdjevic in his living room, without having to talk about Tamera Luzzatto or her grandkids, without having to show the suspects in the disappearance of Madeleine McCann who look eerily like the men who founded the Podesta Group who also reportedly got money from the Democratic Party of Moldova whose chief financial backer is a guy rumored to recruit girls for sex slavery, and without having to talk about how Fox News had a story about a new lead in the McCann investigation but it vanished from their website even though it’s still on The Sun.
Some Democrats argue Russia “stole” the 2016 Presidential Election, but that there is nothing incriminating in the Podesta emails and that Pizzagate is fake news. Are you following along? Naturally, the old media did a poll and asked people what was their biggest reason for voting how they did, and the number one reason was Julian Assange. Assange hasn’t been seen in a while BTW, after he was given food by Marina Abramovic fan Pam Anderson, and after John Podesta tweeted about the bad food at the Ecuadorian Embassy. Protip: Assange suggested Seth Rich was a source of leaked emails. Let’s go ask Seth Rich if he did it! Oh that’s right, he’s dead. Let’s go ask Andrew Breitbart what he meant when he said John Podesta covers up underage sex slavery! Oh that’s right, he’s dead too. Let’s go ask Breitbart’s coroner! Oh, he’s dead too, although some argue it was someone else who examined the corpse. Sure would be nice if people around the Clintons would stop dying out of the blue. Must be a new trend…

Basically, Pizzagate truthers kind of lost the element of surprise in their keyboard warrior investigations, giving sick fucks quite some time to set their Instagram accounts to private and render their victims into cooking oil. Did an online witch hunt ruin an innocent man a weirdo’s business all for the lulz? Only time will tell. Maybe Jimmy Comet using #chickenlovers was all just a big misunderstanding?
The guy who made Dilbert says the mountain of evidence behind Pizzagate is just confirmation bias. But everyone can agree that Serbian “artists”, like Marina Abramovic and Biljana Djurdjevic, are the most fucked up in the world. Another fucked up artist randomly mentioned along with Pizzagate is Kim Noble, supposedly a victim of Satanic Ritual Abuse.
Needless to say, although God-Emperor The Donald said Hillary “would be in jail” if he won, The Donald “doesn’t wish to pursue” charges against the Hildebeast. When two criminals run against each other, they usually agree to pardon whoever loses. Could that have anything to do with the three lawsuits filed against The Donald alleging that he raped a 13-year-old girl in the 90s at Jeffrey Epstein’s mansion in New York? Nothing to see here folks, move along. Sleep tight!

Last updated December 22, 2016