Another December and I still feel like I could move away from here and no one would notice or care. I try to be kind, to be part of your lives, to be a good person and leave light in the corners that once had shadows… but I still feel as though people care less if I were here or not.
The Son
The Mother
The Daughter in Law
The Friend
The Cousin
These are all the people I have reached out to, shown kindness to, tried to be part of their lives on some level- be it big or small, but I have been met with a wall of indifference, silence, and disconnection. I honestly ask myself- is it me? Is it something I have done, or said or deserved?
I know I can be oversensitive and take things to personally- but when it is so blatant, a person just knows… an INFJ always knows what lies beneath. ALWAYS. Little nuances, little shifts, or just the crickets in the background, or actual remarks filled with contempt- these are all clues as to how you feel about a person.
I crave meaningful relationships with people. It’s who I am. Deep connections and bonds that require your time and loyalty. The biggest gift you can give a person is your time- your concern- your attention that you care they exist in this world. Time in person is great, but a phone call- a text- a sign that you care about how someone is doing… that is a gift. People take it for granted.
I have given the gift of time, care and thought to each of these people- and have been given indifference in return. And it hurts. And after awhile it’s just easier to walk away and let go. Isn’t that what you want anyways- isn’t that the message I’ve been receiving over the last year?
Trying to reach out to new people is always disturbing too. This is why it’s just easier for some people become a recluse. I don’t always reach back to people either-so I understand. I am very picky about who I let in my life. I steer clear of pretentious people, trend followers, A type personalities. But I often wonder- what is it about me that people turn off- they turn away from? I know some of the people that have rejected me- I should thankful. I see who they are underneath the surface- and I think - no that’s not someone I want to be close to. I will never live up to, or be good enough in that person’s eyes- and I know deep in my heart.... I am good enough. I am a keeper.
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