Funny how even though my entire family lives just around the corner from me, they don’t ever stop over to visit. They literally are right around the corner- but yet they hardly ever make an attempt to visit or stop in. I’m the one who has to visit over there. Never the other way around. After staying away for 1 week, and not calling or checking in- finally then, my mother stops by.
Because she so rarely comes over here - she actually commented on my “new” coffee pot. I’ve have that one since April… it’s now December. Of course she wouldn’t know what kind of coffee pot I have- because she is never here. My father has been moved away 2 years now… and still no one visits. She cant use him as excuse anymore…
I know someone reading this must think- “Yeah- Geez who wants to visit a whiny bitch who rants about her family. I’d stay away too”. But understand this is now critical. I’ve had enough that after 7 years, I’ve started journaling again. I haven’t always been this angry- it’s taken quite a few patterns to get to this point.
But I know I’m the one who sees who people are underneath the surface. I’m the one will speak what everyone else is afraid to say…eventually. I offer my authentic self to people who are not capable or willing or even deserving of authenticity. And so I shut down and eventually I lash out.
I’ve come to the conclusion on a few things. I’ve been wrong before but my guts tell me this wound that I feel, well… it is what it is.
I feel as thought I am slowly bleeding out. That my soul, not just heart has been wounded, and that I am still bleeding from somewhere- but I can’t tell where because it’s a knife in my back or some place that I cant see- but I feel I’m bleeding from a wound. Psychic, spiritual, emotional.
I am slowly accepting these things…
1. My son really does not like me as a person.
He avoids me whenever possible and is most the time embarrassed of me presence around his social friends,etc. He would rather only see me when it is unavoidable… Bdays, Christmas, etc. About 5 years ago, I told him what I really wanted for mother’s Day was for him to come over once a month and we can watch a movie and have dinner. He came over once after I asked him about it when a month or so went by… He’s never come back since then.
I look and see who he is, and I’m glad that he has a social life, that he has strong friends circle. But he has thrown his mom under the bus for that… it hurts to know that I am so far down the list of friends, GF/wife, her family, etc…
yeah. Sometimes what I see in him, the worship of image, status, material things, and popularity- it makes me cringe, I’m opposite of that. I have made amends to him for my drinking or abandonment issues in the past over the divorce,etc. I don’t think he is punishing me- I’m pretty sure he just doesn’t care. or just does not like me as a person. I’m not rude, I;m not boisterous, but I’m real. I am not a soccer mom and I think he is still resentful of that. I say things that are genuine. It’s too intense for him I think. Superficial small talk is what the fmaily prefers. But someone like me, we want to connect to a persons deep thoughts and real feelings. I just think he does not care for who I am and distances himself as means of dealing with it. I also think my mother’s doting and interference in my interpersonal relationship with my son has done damage… it’s still happening. i think it gives my son the wrong message. That I should be treated like a sibling and not his mom. That’s so fucked up.
What did I do to deserve to be shunned or treated like this? I have looked closely at what I could have said or did- but I think it comes down to his priorities and other people in his life, be it friends, wife, grandmother.
My mom is still trying to “protect” him and allow his avoidance- or least play both sides and be in the middle of it. I wonder why at Thanksgiving- they had to leave right away after dinner. She enables him to avoid me. She encourages the superficial pseudo relationship. She encourages him to not be transparent. And the games being played by my mother and his wife- leave no room for me. it makes me sick. I guess if I could own some transgression- but I cant- WHAT DID I DO OR NOT DO?!,. It’s just dysfunctional family roles. She is still playing the God Game from being a martyr and enabler POV, let me help you- vantage point. I see through it though.
Whats amazing is I am still the one who has been there for hospital visits, surgeries, death watch.
I really try to keep my expectations minimal. I don’t think once a month is asking for too much when we live literally- 3 minutes away from each other. It’s amazing that other family-extended family are able to ask for help - he can look at their car problems, go hang a picture, list goes on and on, but when I have asked for help he will reluctantly come but leave as soon possible.
Having an enabling, interfering, triangulating grandparents (aka my mother and previously my father) only ad to the interpersonal gap. She is the queen of superficial small talk. She runs interference when I attempt to be honest about my feelings of rejection or unhappiness or hurt. He also allows this. He avoids and has been trained by her through the years. Sure she has seen his attitude and agreed that she witnessed contempt and out right rude behavior, but then it comes full circle and she enables it. It is a very sick cycle. It’s crippling and demeaning to the relationship. Keeping the peace and being helpful is what is presented , but underneath there is a more sinister agenda. Control.
And then ad the GF/now wife who is even more so. They deserve each other. It pains me to paint on a smiley face when underneath I feel betrayed, rejected, and played. Like I am the bad guy- the trouble maker- the black sheep. I know how fucking lame this sounds- what a martyr. what a victim I am. But I also know that these games are real and there are patterns here that cannot be explained or denied.
I know I am too intense at times- hypersensitive. I know I am skeptical. I know I can be self centered at times and stubborn. I know exactly what my character flaws are. But mean and manipulative people operate on a different level. I do not operate from a mean level. I get fed up and will shut down or call bullshit when I see it. But my agenda is not mean. It is not manipulating. It is NOT to keep people apart. I would just like to be included. I would like to get the same respect as others. On the same note- if I think there is manipulation or a hidden agenda, I smell it a mile away, and I disconnect.
I don’t know what I have done to be treated this way. But I find it impossible to be genuine and real with people who are not. I continually keep getting hurt. I am expecting too much of what others are not capable or willing to be. Honest, genuine, loyal, and respectful of others relationships and boundaries.
I have stepped back from the living situation of the 3 of them. Him and her- bad mouthing grandmother. Grandmother and Daughter-in law living together under one roof. I have purposely stepped back and asked that they deal with one another face to face. But it backfires and I am the odd one out anyways. I think that seems to be the role I fall into no matter what. Scapegoat. Because I see what is going on, and I will call it like it is. They dont’ like that. It labels me a trouble maker, drama starter, and hypersensitive. Then add a daughter in law who is very good at wearing a mask, very good at manipulating, and is even more controlling and game playing. I just cant compete. I don;t want to.
It is heartbreaking to want to be close to people, to be connected and accepted by people who are working with agenda like this. My son seems to be preoccupied with status and popularity and material loyalty…I feel as though I have failed as parent because of the nature of his character. He controlled an manipulated by my mother and his wife and loyal to his friends and controllers. At least I’ve tried to be there for my mother if she needs help- regardless of my misgivings about her agenda. I don’t think he will be there for me as I was for them.
My mother is preoccupied with being a covert controller, being the rescuer- the controller through financial savior sans superficial. She is does not want to a genuine, transparent relationship- she rather have a triangulated superficial surface level relationship- controlling through financial gifts and appearance of being helpful. She helps out but then tresspasses and crosses boundaries in other relationships. She avoids direct and honest confrontation at all costs - and always minimizes… she’s been doing it for years. and last but not least, My daughter in law - this is the one that is almost dangerous based on things she has said and things I have witnessed in her treatment of others who are close to her. She is preoccupied with status, image, material loyalty. and complete control from the back ground. My mother and my son are like orgami paper in her hands. Her dictatorship in the relationship -even with her own family is scary. I step back and think to myself- why do you want to feel close to these people? Are you crazy? But then I think- they are the only family I have. The sad part is- there is not that much difference when I disconnect from them compared, to when I am trying to engage with them. That’s how little they reach out to me. Maybe I should be thankful for that. Maybe that is God’s blessing in disguise. Perhaps they avoid what cannot be controlled or converted. It a double edge sword.
They have all contributed to making the gap worse. I have always tried to be respectful of their space and relationships with each other. I don’t feel this has been reciprocated- and when it was- it wasn’t for genuine reasons. I have tried to have a personal relationship and do kind things for each one them, and be there for them in a genuine caring capacity- not to get something in return or put on a show. They have helped me in the past when I have asked- I do see good things in them- each one of them, but they have been distancing themselves from me. I admit I have let go of the daughter in law. It is unsettling to think of what she is capable of - based on what has come from her mouth in the last year or so. I may not have always been paying the loyalty dues that they seem to expect. Looking back and seeing things for what they are- I am so glad that i did not offer to pay for supporting the expensive wedding. I helped pay for some of the parties leading up to it. Looking back at her attitude - thats enough. Her attitude and her true colors showed before I threw more money in that direction. I offer so much more like real loyalty and real concern. But to people like this- those things do not matter. Perhaps they deserve each other and I deserve to be alone also.
Like I said- giving your time to someone is the most valuable gift you can give.
When I honestly I look at my own actions, I do not think I have done anything to be manipulating in others relationships. That’s where I think the difference is. I see the sickness in this. But shame on me for calling it what it is. I’m “Crazy” and this is all in my head. That is gaslighting.... I know it when I see it.
It breaks my heart. I do not trust the ones that I should be able to trust above all others.
I tell myself if I am able to fake it- keep a relationship- hollow and for appearance only- then I wont be hurt as much and they will be happy. It doesn’t matter to them that it isn’t real.
But then tell myself- aren’t you truly alone then anyways?
Loading comments...