Important Accomplishments - 8/19/2006 in 2005 - 2007: High School

The last few days have not gone so well. Mostly, I have been wondering what to do with myself. But here are some things that I did do.

• Went to a school with a moderately good music program and talked about the music program and how I would go about auditioning for it. Realized that I have never really had formal training, and that formal training is pretty necessary, and that if I did audtion, the admissions people might laugh in my face.

• Freaked out about not being good enough to be a music major, and therefor not having any direction in my life. Freaked out at my parents about it. Got my parents annoyed at how much of an anal retentive, needy twit I'm being about the whole college situation. (This is probably the fifth or sixth time I've had a major freakout about college in front of my parents, and it is only the summer before senior year.)

• Got depressed about not being good enough to be a music major, and therefor not having any direction in my life. Watched the Simpsons on DVD for many hours while eating rice krispy treats in the basement.

• Talked to Dave online. A lot. About almost nothing.

• Did five math problems.

• Worked. Today, Gail wasn't even in the store, but she still managed to yell at me. I made her thirty year old daughter a bagel with jelly, and Gail called on the phone specifically to say that someone had made her daughter a bagel with way too much jelly - it was just absolutely smothered with jelly, and when her daughter opened it it dripped all over her, and someone should tell the person who made that bagel with jelly not to put so much jelly on bagels, because it really was way too much and we're going to lose customers if we continue to put the wrong amounts of things on other things. Called on the phone. I. Kid. You. Not.

After I got home from work today, I had an online argument with Dave about Snakes on a Plane, and then I tried to do more math problems. But there was one that I got stuck on. The variable I was supposed to be solving for kept cancelling itself out, no matter how I did the problem. I got frustrated fairly quickly and decided to go walk somewhere. I was not sure where I was going or what I was going to do there, but I walked anyway. Here's how that went:

First, I very slowly walked downtown, taking several random detours.

Then, I decided to go to the library. Just because. And as an added bonus to the just because, Julian might be there.

He was. As I turned my head towards him, he started to turn his head towards me. I very quickly turned my head back and walked right past him, down the stairs, and into the nonfiction section. We definately never made eye contact. I'm not even entirely sure he saw me.

Then I sat behind a bookshelf in the nonfiction section for a while.

I said to myself, "Well, that was pointless. He's here, in this building, and you walked right by him, and you failed to say hello to him or even indicate in any way that you noticed him. He might not have seen you look at him, but if he did, he knows that you noticed him and chose not to talk to him. Jeez, what does he think is wrong with you? You know, you're just sitting here, behind this bookshelf, not reading a book. You should probably get a book and read it if you don't want people to think you're a complete psychopath, sitting on the floor behind a bookshelf, staring at the back of the bookshelf, not doing anything."

So after... a good few minutes of sitting behind the bookshelf doing nothing, I sat behind the bookshelf and read a book about cuneiform. It was not interesting.

Then I decided to go get food, since I was hungry. As I left, I looked around the lobby to see if Julian was still there, since I thought that maybe I could redeem myself by saying hello to him on the way out, as if this were the first time I'd noticed him. Maybe I could even ask him how his summer had been or something.

He was gone. My heart sank.

I went to Breugers Bagels to eat. I acted weird in front of the apathetic, non English-speaking bagel clerk, mostly because I couldn't hear her, and when I could hear her I couldn't understand her. I got a salad and ate it. Then I sat there for a while, feeling slightly miserable and slightly kooky. Then, with nothing else in particular to do, I called Molly on my cell phone and asked if she would please explain that damn math problem to me. Instead she asked if I wanted to hang out. So I guess we're doing that tonight.

Then I gave up on finding anything exciting to do and very slowly walked home, feeling a little bit like a character from an artsy indie movie. (I was walking along a street lined with overgrown trees and brightly colored, old, New England-y houses, feeling sad and directionless for no particular reason, and looking more or less like an indie chick. At one point, slow reggae music myseriously floated down the empty street. It wasn't faint, and it wasn't obnoxious and blaring. it was as if someone had fitted another part of the street with a very loud, expensive sound system. The music sounded kind of echoey and far off, but I couldn't determine its origin. At another point, a very ugly baby bird which was sitting on a stone wall a few inches away from me looked right at me and sang. I looked back at it for a while.)

Towards the end of the walk, I thought, "Things accomplished on this walk: 1. Got some mild excersize 2. Proved myself to be more pathetic than I thought I was 3. Made my relationship with Julian even weirder and worse 4. Supported the competition."

Then I told the snarky sarcastic voice in my head to shut up.