Lost - 8/5/2006 in 2005 - 2007: High School

I feel lonely. And afraid. And completely buried in a bunch of shit. And somehow I feel like I don't deserve any sympathy. I feel like everything is my own damn fault. I think that I don't admit to things being my own damn fault nearly often enough.

I wish I cared about stuff. I wish I would do stuff, instead of sitting around. Rolling around the room in our rolley office chair has become one of my favorite activities. And I seem to have given up on writing music. I am too afraid.

I have to get people at work to take my hours three days in a row. I have to write music for my band. I have to be a leader next year. I have to lead warmups. I have to be able to do pushups. I have to put my money where my fucking mouth is. I have to be special. Fuck. I wish Dave were online. Talking to Dave online is really the only thing that can get me to stop feeling like this. I've felt like this for a few days. I just hung out with Molly, and I still feel like this. Dave and I are more similar than Molly and I are. I don't get it. I don't get why I can't seem to really connect with her lately. People in general, but especially her. I think perhaps she is becoming too normal. And happy. And female. I don't know. Maybe I am just emo.

Look you guys, don't note her, okay? I need to be anonymous, a little. I hate that I can't even talk about her here anymore. The diary thing is weird. It is definately a huge contributor to our ever-weirdening relationship. Maybe I shouldn't have entered into the whole thing. Maybe I trust the internet too much. It's so appealing because it's so anonymous. But it's not, really. That's the thing about the information age: all that goddamn information. Everywhere. I fucked myself over, confiding in something so unstable. And I'm kidding myself. This isn't real. Aidan's cooler than I am. Much cooler. I call myself Aidan now. That is what I think of my name as being. For real. Because that's who I would like to think I am. But it's just this thing that I have created, and I guess it was cool at first, and I guess it is still cool, but sometimes I feel like I've lost control of it. And it makes me feel less lonely, but it doesn't make me any less alone. Right now I realize that I am very alone. And not all that cool. And really very depressingly normal.

I need Julian to come save me. He doesn't have to do much. He doesn't even have to touch me. I just need a reminder that he is my friend - that he chooses to hang out with me, even if it is awkward much of the time - and that he is not at all normal. He is something special, something significant. He is strong and good, and not at all lost or afraid, and seemingly, not at all lonely. And he is my friend. Maybe that counts for something. And I'm not even really talking about Aidan. Not exactly. Aidan is very, very similar to me. I'm even a little bit surprised at how accurately I managed to represent myself. But Aidan doesn't need Julian nearly as much as I need Julian's real counterpart. You have to understand that. I wish I could just see him. Just talk to him for five minutes.

I like pit better when I am emotionally invested in it. The music is so empty when we play it.